Venting Going Soon

[1000YellowDaffodils]

Finally. I've had everything I needed for almost a year but had to wait until someone moved out of my house, I'm trying to avoid doing it around birthdays and holidays, and generally just stalling because I am afraid. Best case scenario I go to sleep and never wake up. Worst case scenario I go somewhere like Hell, or into a reality where the air is broken glass or something and I suffer for all eternity with no escape.

I've had and tried many different plans, ones I liked more than this, but this final time I'm going to take a sleeping bag to a nearby church parking lot, get in, take SN, and go to sleep. I hate doing this in public but I can't do it in my house for my family's sake. I was going to do it in my own car since it was my property, but I couldn't handle it anymore and got rid of it last month. I know. I will tape a note to the outside of the sleeping bag saying what's inside, that I'm sorry, and to call the police. Probably will end up in the news, but hopefully it's just one of those quick ones with no details that everyone forgets about in a week. Not the craziest thing that's happened here, and not the first outdoor suicide either. I've also considered a cemetery instead of a church? I don't know. I want a secluded place away from schools. I feel very bad for what I am doing, but I don't know how my family will keep living in this house if I do it here, and they can't move. It certainly would be more comfortable though.

I'm going to be 21 in two weeks. Nothing is ever going to get better. I can't do this. I can't be in this body. I can't continue to rot. I can't adapt or do anything I want to. I ruined it all from the beginning. I don't want to leave my friends. They're the only part of living I like, but I rarely see them, and when I do I don't have anything good to tell them, and I'm going backwards while they keep moving forward.

I wish I did this sooner. I wish I was never born at all.

 

[Challu]

Just know that everyone can change their mind about CTB. If you could imagine your situation getting better in even the smallest way, I think it would be brave of you to consider if it's something that you could possibly live/work through. I heard you though, you've had almost a year to think about it all. With that amount of time, a person can feel fatigued and desperate.. so.. I can understand your rationale and I admire your kindness towards everyone who might be affected and your patience. Sorry that you have to consider this as an option. But, again, even though it may be a struggle, consider an alternative ways, even the absolute last option, so that you can potentially preserve your life. God Bless.

 

[missingpeace]

I have a similar plan.. I'm going to go to a free camp site and try the nitrogen method/SN there, will finally get some time to myself in privacy.. my family is not going to move from this house any time soon, so can try ctbing at home too.. will try partial hanging at home in the meantime.. it definitely is more comfortable at home.. you should do what is comfortable, but if you are going out to the cemetary for your own privacy that's a different story.

 

[1000YellowDaffodils]

Just know that everyone can change their mind about CTB. If you could imagine your situation getting better in even the smallest way, I think it would be brave of you to consider if it's something that you could possibly live/work through. I heard you though, you've had almost a year to think about it all. With that amount of time, a person can feel fatigued and desperate.. so.. I can understand your rationale and I admire your kindness towards everyone who might be affected and your patience. Sorry that you have to consider this as an option. But, again, even though it may be a struggle, consider an alternative ways, even the absolute last option, so that you can potentially preserve your life. God Bless.

I know, but I really can't imagine it ever getting better anymore, I used too, but I think it's over. I've been thinking about this for over a year; my first attempt was when I was 10. All my life has been is thinking about and planning for the end. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[nozomu]

You're still so young. We're here for you any way we can be, it's never too late to go but it can be too early. I'm almost 30 and I really recommend to people to give their 20s a chance if they can.

 

[1000YellowDaffodils]

I have a similar plan.. I'm going to go to a free camp site and try the nitrogen method/SN there, will finally get some time to myself in privacy.. my family is not going to move from this house any time soon, so can try ctbing at home too.. will try partial hanging at home in the meantime.. it definitely is more comfortable at home.. you should do what is comfortable, but if you are going out to the cemetary for your own privacy that's a different story.

I thought about a campsite too, but now I'm bound to only where I can walk instead. I could think of a lot more comfortable places, but I don't want just anyone stumbling upon the body. I think I'd be caught too soon if I tried to do it by a hospital or police station. I don't want to ruin the reputation of a hotel, but maybe there? Even though I'm not crazy about my mother, it seems really shitty for her to find me and hysterically try to resuscitate to no avail. It's all shitty, I don't know what to do.

You're still so young. We're here for you any way we can be, it's never too late to go but it can be too early. I'm almost 30 and I really recommend to people to give their 20s a chance if they can.

I hear that a lot, and I get it, but what life am I living? I have no education, I quit my job and am too severely anxious to get another one, I was forcibly hospitalized last year and I saw no benefit, my family doesn't have money, I have poor cognitive ability, I have frequent physical pain and don't know why, ticks and habits I don't understand, an eating disorder, substance abuse problems, and I don't even know what else because I never showed up to my psychiatric appointment. I can't even brush my teeth or shower anymore. And forgive me for saying this, but why is giving my 20's a chance worth it when all of the above is only getting worse and you yourself are almost 30 and also on a pro-choice suicide support website? You don't have to answer this. Sorry.

 

[nozomu]

I hear that a lot, and I get it, but what life am I living? I have no education, I quit my job and am too severely anxious to get another one, I was forcibly hospitalized last year and I saw no benefit, my family doesn't have money, I have poor cognitive ability, I have frequent physical pain and don't know why, ticks and habits I don't understand, an eating disorder, substance abuse problems, and I don't even know what else because I never showed up to my psychiatric appointment. I can't even brush my teeth or shower anymore. And forgive me for saying this, but why is giving my 20's a chance worth it when all of the above is only getting worse and you yourself are almost 30 and also on a pro-choice suicide support website? You don't have to answer this. Sorry.

It's worth it because many people do have their circumstances improve. I am trying to get through as much of life as I can, but many of my motivations to CTB only recently got bad again and are specific to my life. I'm really sorry you're struggling, and there's no shame in feeling the way you do. But giving your 20s a shot really can be worth it.

 

[Parting Sorrow]

It's worth it because many people do have their circumstances improve. I am trying to get through as much of life as I can, but many of my motivations to CTB only recently got bad again and are specific to my life. I'm really sorry you're struggling, and there's no shame in feeling the way you do. But giving your 20s a shot really can be worth it.

I think this is a completely valid answer. I'm in my late 30s and still don't really want to be here. I'm here because there are some people I don't want to hurt for as long as possible. I'd say my natural state is passively suicidal and right now I'm feeling very suicidal...more than I have in probably a decade. Being here for the past week or so and then registering, have helped me in some ways to see other stories and what people do. It is actually strangely comforting to know I'm in the process of getting a method really down and can leave at any time and the staying is my choice. I too would prefer to see people get through their 20s at least and of course, recognize it is really difficult to know anyone's circumstance.

 

[nozomu]

I It is actually strangely comforting to know I'm in the process of getting a method really down and can leave at any time and the staying is my choice.

This is how I feel. I'm gonna stay for the ones I love as long as I can. But I know I'm in control of my destiny. I choose when it's time for me to die and that's my decision alone, and I find it to be empowering me to be able to live my life fully and freely.

 

[FuneralCry]

The only hell that exists is the one that we already live in, I believe death to be permanent nothingness and freedom from all the pain that this existence brings. It's very much understandable wishing to be gone as of course it can be so incredibly awful and tiring feeling trapped here, I certainly wish that I never existed at all as well. To never be aware of this world sounds so incredibly ideal to me and I hate the fact that I was so unfairly forced into this world.

 

[Sparx]

Make sure you're not found for at least 4 hours unless you want to be 'saved'.

Love your username and profile pic btw, I'm a big Queen fan.

 

[GasMonkey]

See you on the Other Side.

 

[1000YellowDaffodils]

It's worth it because many people do have their circumstances improve. I am trying to get through as much of life as I can, but many of my motivations to CTB only recently got bad again and are specific to my life. I'm really sorry you're struggling, and there's no shame in feeling the way you do. But giving your 20s a shot really can be worth it.

Yeah, I guess I've heard that, but I've never seen circumstances improve with anyone I know personally, and my outlook is that the world is getting worse as a whole (not that it was ever good imo). I hope you get through whatever's keeping you back and live as long as you want to. I don't think there's anywhere for me to go.

The only hell that exists is the one that we already live in, I believe death to be permanent nothingness and freedom from all the pain that this existence brings. It's very much understandable wishing to be gone as of course it can be so incredibly awful and tiring feeling trapped here, I certainly wish that I never existed at all as well. To never be aware of this world sounds so incredibly ideal to me and I hate the fact that I was so unfairly forced into this world.

I'd like to agree, but I'm scared of the unknown and believe literally anything could happen. I've been trying to convince myself that once your body dies you are dead, like there's no such thing as a consciousness without a working brain. Somehow all of this incredible and awful computing power is confined to this meat vessel and that is the only place it can be. But at the same time my thoughts also feel outside of my body, and I question the reality around me, if things are simulated, if there's a higher state, if ghosts are real. Crazy stuff.

I hate that I was forced into this world too. I don't know why or how or where the universe was created, but I do know my parents, and I've never gotten a reason I felt was good enough to subject someone to this world. Ever since I was a kid I've said I never wanted to have children when I grew up and everybody has always dismissed me. I have so many reasons for not having kids, but #1 is that is extremely unethical to force someone to be here, put them in circumstances they can't control, but you had the choice of putting them in, and then forcing them to adhere to responsibilities and things they need to understand to live a certain way of life with no help, and if you don't like it and want to leave you're a horrible, selfish, immature person. Anti-natalism all the way.

Make sure you're not found for at least 4 hours unless you want to be 'saved'.

Love your username and profile pic btw, I'm a big Queen fan.

Really? 4 hours? I thought with SN you'd be gone in 20 minutes, an hour tops? I don't think I'd be found that soon so it doesn't matter, just curious.

And thank you me too! I was 1001YellowDaffodils on here, but last time I thought I was going I deactivated that account. I guess if this time doesn't work I'll be back as 999YellowDaffodils lol.

 

[leeloosnow]

yea give yourself at least 4hours, i will plan to have at least 12hrs, maybe 24. thankfully i have a situation where i can do that right now, and i don't wanna be around for that to change for the worse. i wish you all the best with your plans <3 be careful, be safe, do what's right for you

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I'm sorry that life has brought you to this point friend. Sorry that you're hurting the way you are.

I fully respect your decision to decide for yourself. Just remember that you have a choice. There's no shame in it either way.
Wish you all the best

Really? 4 hours? I thought with SN you'd be gone in 20 minutes, an hour tops? I don't think I'd be found that soon so it doesn't matter, just curious.

The 20 minutes is roughly the time for unconsciousness, although it was closer to half an hour or so in my experience.

After that I think it's up to four hours for the body to die. And if you were saved after a certain amount of time, I guess there is the risk of damage.

But like I said, this is my understanding. I'm no expert.

 

[Stylite]

Sorry to hear this. If you do pass to the other side, I hope for your sake you go to Heaven, where you will rest eternally.

 

[1000YellowDaffodils]

yea give yourself at least 4hours, i will plan to have at least 12hrs, maybe 24. thankfully i have a situation where i can do that right now, and i don't wanna be around for that to change for the worse. i wish you all the best with your plans <3 be careful, be safe, do what's right for you

I'm sorry that life has brought you to this point friend. Sorry that you're hurting the way you are.

I fully respect your decision to decide for yourself. Just remember that you have a choice. There's no shame in it either way.
Wish you all the best

The 20 minutes is roughly the time for unconsciousness, although it was closer to half an hour or so in my experience.

After that I think it's up to four hours for the body to die. And if you were saved after a certain amount of time, I guess there is the risk of damage.

But like I said, this is my understanding. I'm no expert.

Thank you both, good to know. I hope I don't have nightmares for 4 hours lol.
Really feels like the last option available. If only there was a restart button.