Help Going soon but I need help

[sellfish]

Hi everyone. This is my story if anyone cares to listen. I know we are all struggling. I am in so much pain but sometimes I feel like compared to others, I was not abused or mistreated, my financial situation is very good, I am 20 and my parents have provided everything that I could ever ask for, I was lucky enough to be around amazing people at my (private) school, I had a good education, good grades, I am relatively attractive and I was never bullied. But instead of living a good life, I was a terrible human being. I treated my parents horribly ever since I was 10, I developed a severe eating disorder (binging and purging - a cycle of eating gigantic amounts of food and throwing up, about 3 times a day) that caused me to lie, beat my own mother when she tried to stop me, steal thousands of euros of food from supermarkets throughout my life. I had a nice group of friends and an amazing boyfriend but I threw it all away by treating them badly and being disrespectful, betraying them and then one by one they all decided that I am toxic and stopped being friends with me. A year ago I went to university to study and I ended up taking a lot of LSD and developed a psychosis, I ran in the streets and started pushing people and acting really crazy, I had a schizophrenic episode for 6 months and I had to quit university because my brain was fried. At first people tried to help but then everyone was freaked out and nobody looks at me the same. I have no more friends or anyone to talk to. I have lost all of my skills and ability to communicate, learn or enjoy things. I spent a year at home with my dad and my mom and in september I returned to university with no friends. I overdosed on benzos and came home. Still no friends, no life to live. All I can do is eat food and throw it up all day, watch other peoples lives on instagram and see all the people that used to care about me not give a damn and live their best life. If I ever go out I just sit in the corner, I have nothing to say, my life is literally equal to zero, I came back to university in january and I have been planning my ctb ever since. I failed all of my exams and I stopped going to class, my parents have no idea. I am a terrible person, I have done really awful things and I keep doing awful things. I steal daily, I lie and I can't stop. I dont want to be this way and I feel terrible but I just want to be gone. I know that if I die I will hurt my parents in the worst way but everyday that I am alive is the worst experience. I hate eating, I hate sleeping I hate talking to people, life used to be nice, but it not anymore and it will never be even remotely torrelable ever again. I need to ctb, I have everything ready, I an terrified of dying because I think I will be punished for all these horrible ways I have hurt people and myself, and I have thrown away an amazing life I could have had, but I only made terrible irreversible decisions that I can't live with anymore. I know in theory suicide would be seen as the last bad decision for everyone else but I need help in overcoming this fear of death.
I also want to mention that I am currently studying abroad and I would ctb at this student hall where I would be found probably in a week, my dad will have to come and ship my body to my country, pack my things and all of this on top of losing a child. I dont want to hurt them even more than I did my whole life but I just cant live anymore, there is nothing I can do.
If you took the time to read this i love you, thank you, and it means the world to me to have someone that can listen.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey honey..u made some mistakes..OK many..IT'S OK! u can still recover from this..like I said to someone else, I made MANYYYY mistakes at ur age n stillllll do yrs lata..It's OK!

So u lied, stole, did drugs, hit ur mom, scared friends n fam away, n many others I'm sure...U mean ur not perfect? Which one of us is??

U still have a chance to make things, n ur life betta..

It's OK honey. Forgive yourself, get back up, n move on..

We r here for u..Sending love

 

[Oyoy]

I read your words. You make a lot of sense. Part of growing up is being lonely. I hope you have something good happen you to give you hope for something in the future.

 

[CuddleHug]

I'm too tired to reply, but I read it all and will always listen if you need to vent. Hugs

 

[Lost_the_will2_live]

We are here for you to vent!

I take it you couldn't start a new life in this other country and try start a new where no one knew your past?

 

[Lostandfound7]

I read your words. You make a lot of sense. Part of growing up is being lonely. I hope you have something good happen you to give you hope for something in the future.

Exactly! N ur gonna make mistakes cuz u have never been to this confusing juncture in ur life before..

I was a HORRIBLE teen n made my parents cry mannnny days/nights..

I used to steal my mom's rent $, jewelry, curse her out, lie, sneak out the state, failed out of college, went on to become a stripper n dominatrix, fight any n everyone, n so much more that I'm even ashamed to admit..

Now yrs lata, my mom is my best friend n I would kill for her..I'm finally back in school completing my doctorate..u can make a change..it's not too late..

My only regret is that I never got to apologize to my dad for putting him thru so much pain before he past away a few yrs ago...

What ur feeling is totally normal. Ur not horrible. Ur 20 and human..

 

[noaccount]

I tend to see 'self-harming' things like this, as often people's attempts to meet unmet developmental needs, which can be complicated, not putting that on you if you don't identify with it though... And psychosis often has an element of, the brain trying to make sense of confusing cultural messages, of other people's dishonesty, of trying to just 'fill in the blanks' to make sense out of chaos... Maybe there are other emotional, spiritual, existential ways to hold the confounding and absurd, other than saying, "you're either Recovering or you're Psychotic"...

 

[Hopeindeath!]

You have an eating disorder which is a mental illness, and your behavior is not all your fault. Maybe if you were to seek help for this, you could get better, and change your behavior. Then you could write letters to all those you hurt and apologize. After that you could work, and pay back what you stole. I can tell you have a good heart because, you don't want to hurt your parents. You also feel bad for your behavior. It's not too late to make a fresh start.

 

[Pan]

You are welcome to hang with me at my home in mass. If you wish.

 

[Lostandfound7]

You are welcome to hang with me at my home in mass. If you wish.

Wow that's incredibly kind of u..

 

[Lostnotfound]

You are welcome to hang with me at my home in mass. If you wish.

What a lovely thing. I had hoped that I could meet someone like you in my country but sadly its not to be. You are a wonderful human being.

 

[Pan]

I mean what I say...I will ctb, but would ideally like to know if someone would join me.
Just to let all know that my home is a sanctuary for anyone who wants escape from this life. If
You will at least know that the door is always open for shelter against the storm...

 

[Pan]

Wow that's incredibly kind of u..

My home is your home because all of you are family

 

[Lostandfound7]

My home is your home because all of you are family

Yes we r

 

[Pryras]

bulimia will take you into a very dark space, it was the darkest years of my life but once I was out of it I had a clearer mind. You're very young and many young adults reflect on how they treated their parents. It's something we learn as we get older, don't beat yourself over it you are not alone and it's not your fault. You were young and dealing with your own hell.

 

[nerve]

I love you too.

Speaking as someone who had a fairly unfortunate childhood and family situation, I think the fact that these diseases touch people from all walks of life, regardless of how "good" they've had it, says more about how deep it goes than however lacking someone may be. It's insidious. Nobody's eating disorder gives a single shit about how good or bad their upbringing was. I'm so sorry that you compare yourself to others in this way. It's so painful.

 

[Arisa]

Love you as well.

Feel free to vent, I am here to listen to you. <3

First boyfriend I had I treated him like shit, and I was pretty abusive. I still am but this time the boyfriend won't ever leave me/leave me alone... Hang in there, if having friends/a boyfriend is what you seek, it might be good to wait a bit longer and you might be surprised the people that come into your life. I definitely was. I lost most of my friends/ex-boyfriend but somehow managed to find new friends/ a boyfriend again.

 

[Pan]

Remember: I have reiterated it repeatedly— you can know that my door is always open for those partners seeking to join me.