Venting Going missing

[madbananas]

I was thinking about going missing when the COVID situation is over, just disappearing completely, leaving a note making it sound like I've just went and started a new life. Because maybe i would start a new life or it would cut the ties to make it easier for me to ctb.

However I then read this article

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www..../i-deliberately-went-missing-two-12495537.amp

and it's kind of put me off. I'm trapped. I've almost completed my degree but it's ended devastatingly for me, even if I get my degree. I can't be who I am, I can't have periods of mental illness because of my future job. If I do, then I will be interviewed and interviewed continuously to establish my ability for work, and this typically involves having to divulge past trauma each and every time I'm interviewed. It's horrible and i feel like I can't keep doing it. It's also making me feel like I've wasted my last three years which have actually been really successful academically and in my placements. So I feel like I've screwed everything up because of being suicidal (which came about for many reasons) and now I have no where to turn. Wish my survival instinct would just go away and I could find peace.

 

[Acerakis]

I think disappearing in the modern world is quite a hard thing to do. Every time the local news has a missing person thing up they seem to find the person within 2 days. Its something I have thought about but kind of dismissed as unrealistic fantasy as far as things I could actually do.

 

[madbananas]

I think disappearing in the modern world is quite a hard thing to do. Every time the local news has a missing person thing up they seem to find the person within 2 days. Its something I have thought about but kind of dismissed as unrealistic fantasy as far as things I could actually do.

Yeah, I'd need to leave my phone and car behind, shred all evidence of electronic destination searching etc. As I'm feeling more hopeless though, I'm feeling more able to do this. I don't have a lot of money but I have some, which I'd need to cash out obviously before disappearing, leaving any cards behind. It is a nice fantasy though and comforts me. I have a family friend who has been off the grid for 12 years. We all thought he was dead and all of a sudden he was on a short online documentary about his life off the grid lol. When he first went missing he was on the news, helicopters looking for him an everything but no joy. I'm glad he's alive and he said on the documentary that he's never been happier since going off the grid.

 

[Acerakis]

Remember in the current climate a lot of places are card and contactless only, at least in my country.

 

[madbananas]

Remember in the current climate a lot of places are card and contactless only, at least in my country.

Definitely. It will be when this is all over but I'll keep an eye out for that as it isn't something I thought of! Thanks :)

 

[Acerakis]

I honestly won't be surprised if that is the new normal and paper and coinage just never really makes a come back. I hope you do find a way to make your plan work for you. I don't think I have the courage to do such a thing. Closest I got was looking into communes but they seemed like a lot of hassle that my anxiety wouldn't put up with.

 

[madbananas]

Just read this

How do I legally disappear and never be found?

Answer (1 of 100): People will tell you to leave your country, change your name, lose your personal items, join a foreign military, or go strand yourself on a far away island. None of that is necessary. If you want to disappear, I mean really disappear, it is easier than you think. First, you ha...

www.quora.com

And quoting the anonymous post point number 10
" When you arrive get out of the airport as soon as possible. If you are questioned state clearly that you are an adult who wished to take a trip and you have no idea why someone who hasn't spoken to you in months is so worried. Pay cash for a taxi to a hostel or motel you can also pay cash for."

Has me absolutely howling that would be hahaha the people who have ghosted me getting a kick out of my running away acting like they cared even though they ghosted me months/years ago

I honestly won't be surprised if that is the new normal and paper and coinage just never really makes a come back. I hope you do find a way to make your plan work for you. I don't think I have the courage to do such a thing. Closest I got was looking into communes but they seemed like a lot of hassle that my anxiety wouldn't put up with.

Well maybe I should start slowly taking out money the now. I don't know when the time comes I will have the courage but right now it feels a good possibility so it's comforting either way

 

[Acerakis]

Interesting stuff, I know the make people know you aren't mentally ill bit wouldn't work with me. My mum starts ask if I'm suicidal if we don't speak for a fortnight.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Great another one of these threads. So your family will always wonder if you are still alive and have been kidnapped by a serial killer who tortures you so they will spend all their money searching for you and eventually having to sell their house to keep on the search and this isn´t speculations this is what usually happens when someones child just disappears.

 

[madbananas]

Great another one of these threads. So your family will always wonder if you are still alive and have been kidnapped by a serial killer who tortures you so they will spend all their money searching for you and eventually having to sell their house to keep on the search and this isn´t speculations this is what usually happens when someones child just disappears.

Firstly, a bit harsh considering I'm feeling pretty desperate right now. Secondly, my family would never do that. I ran away when I was a child and my mum never even phoned the police.

Interesting stuff, I know the make people know you aren't mentally ill bit wouldn't work with me. My mum starts ask if I'm suicidal if we don't speak for a fortnight.

yeah that's my problem as well haha. My mum doesn't ask if I'm suicidal but I have an extensive history

 

[autumnal]

I was thinking about going missing when the COVID situation is over, just disappearing completely, leaving a note making it sound like I've just went and started a new life. Because maybe i would start a new life or it would cut the ties to make it easier for me to ctb.

However I then read this article

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www..../i-deliberately-went-missing-two-12495537.amp

and it's kind of put me off. I'm trapped. I've almost completed my degree but it's ended devastatingly for me, even if I get my degree. I can't be who I am, I can't have periods of mental illness because of my future job. If I do, then I will be interviewed and interviewed continuously to establish my ability for work, and this typically involves having to divulge past trauma each and every time I'm interviewed. It's horrible and i feel like I can't keep doing it. It's also making me feel like I've wasted my last three years which have actually been really successful academically and in my placements. So I feel like I've screwed everything up because of being suicidal (which came about for many reasons) and now I have no where to turn. Wish my survival instinct would just go away and I could find peace.

Assuming you are in the healthcare field, there is actually a lot more understanding of mental illness among graduates and staff these days. Additionally, I assume there is no reason why you couldn't spend some time doing further postgraduate study, working in a non-clinical position, volunteer work or even a completely unrelated field, while you get yourself well again?

Agree that just going missing is never a good idea, more thoughts on that here.

 

[madbananas]

Also I should add before I get another harsh judgemental comment on this thread, I don't want to run away for the banter, it's because I feel trapped. Right now, I feel I could but it's probably because I know it wouldn't be for a long while away. I probably wouldn't be able to when the time comes. I just want to escape but don't have a guts to ctb.
And, as much as the typical family would perhaps do everything to find their child, as I previously said I ran away as a child and no one phoned the police.
All I've experienced throughout my life is rejection and abandonment, so if I want to go away and start a new life (unlikely I will anyway, just a fantasy at the moment) then I don't see why I shouldn't.

Assuming you are in the healthcare field, there is actually a lot more understanding of mental illness among graduates and staff these days. Additionally, I assume there is no reason why you couldn't spend some time doing further postgraduate study, working in a non-clinical position, volunteer work or even a completely unrelated field, while you get yourself well again?

Agree that just going missing is never a good idea, more thoughts on that here.

I struggle with the idea that I'm unwell to be honest. I have had no issues with clinical practice, in fact even medics say it's better for my health to be out doing what I love. The problem is I went through a catalogue of traumatic events and have had no support, and now it's uncertain when I will actually complete my degree. But you're right, I have been thinking about postgraduate study, in fact was in the middle of an application, but it will likely need to be deferred for a year because of the delay in my degree completion due to COVID. I've worked my behind off, have had amazing feedback from service users and have won academic awards, and it just feels like everything has gone to waste. All my peers are completing their degree soon while because I was forced to take time out and they won't even find me a placement despite being deemed fit for practice again. It's just overwhelming. The health report recommended my college to regularly check my progress and they haven't contacted me once since.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Firstly, a bit harsh considering I'm feeling pretty desperate right now. Secondly, my family would never do that. I ran away when I was a child and my mum never even phoned the police.

I just assumed you had loving parents and I get mad when I see these threads pop up all the time when the people who make them have parents that loves them so what I said is in fact true for those people.

 

[autumnal]

Also I should add before I get another harsh judgemental comment on this thread, I don't want to run away for the banter, it's because I feel trapped. Right now, I feel I could but it's probably because I know it wouldn't be for a long while away. I probably wouldn't be able to when the time comes. I just want to escape but don't have a guts to ctb.
And, as much as the typical family would perhaps do everything to find their child, as I previously said I ran away as a child and no one phoned the police.
All I've experienced throughout my life is rejection and abandonment, so if I want to go away and start a new life (unlikely I will anyway, just a fantasy at the moment) then I don't see why I shouldn't.


I struggle with the idea that I'm unwell to be honest. I have had no issues with clinical practice, in fact even medics say it's better for my health to be out doing what I love. The problem is I went through a catalogue of traumatic events and have had no support, and now it's uncertain when I will actually complete my degree. But you're right, I have been thinking about postgraduate study, in fact was in the middle of an application, but it will likely need to be deferred for a year because of the delay in my degree completion due to COVID. I've worked my behind off, have had amazing feedback from service users and have won academic awards, and it just feels like everything has gone to waste. All my peers are completing their degree soon while because I was forced to take time out and they won't even find me a placement despite being deemed fit for practice again. It's just overwhelming. The health report recommended my college to regularly check my progress and they haven't contacted me once since.

I'm not quite following the logic by which you consider everything having gone to waste. Is there a possibility that belief is more a symptom of your illness rather than an objective, accurate assessment? Just wondering.

Additionally, COVID has thrown a massive spanner into the works for almost everyone. Those delays are going to be very common, and far from a negative reflection on those affected.

 

[madbananas]

I'm not quite following the logic by which you consider everything having gone to waste. Is there a possibility that belief is more a symptom of your illness rather than an objective, accurate assessment? Just wondering.

Additionally, COVID has thrown a massive spanner into the works for almost everyone. Those delays are going to be very common, and far from a negative reflection on those affected.

The everything going to waste part is more the relationships I established with people throughout my degree coming to an abrupt end. Just the typical situation of thinking people cared about me, having hopes of friendships afterwards and then being completely ghosted after a suicide attempt. I feel I'm going through grief more than anything. I get what you're saying though, but I have been reported as fit to practice. And yeah there are other people experiencing delays, I think it's just more the frustration of having worked so hard believing that finally things had turned around in my life for the good, to then be sexually assaulted and just mucked around emotionally by certain people, and now I'm a big disappointment to everyone, including myself.

 

[Acerakis]

I'm really sorry to hear that things were going so well before. It really hurts to say our work wasted. I think I was about the happiest I have been just before lockdown started but it has completely crushed all the work I had put into fixing my life and now I feel back at square one.

Is there not perhaps the possibility of hanging on to see if you meet new people as it sounds career wise you are about to take a step into a new area whatever you pick so might have some new colleagues or cohorts to get to know. I'm not sure I am writing down what I am trying to say very well, sorry.

 

[madbananas]

I'm really sorry to hear that things were going so well before. It really hurts to say our work wasted. I think I was about the happiest I have been just before lockdown started but it has completely crushed all the work I had put into fixing my life and now I feel back at square one.

Is there not perhaps the possibility of hanging on to see if you meet new people as it sounds career wise you are about to take a step into a new area whatever you pick so might have some new colleagues or cohorts to get to know. I'm not sure I am writing down what I am trying to say very well, sorry.

I'm sorry you're feeling back to square one. It's a horrible feeling. And quite confusing as well because we know we are capable of happiness but then things happen which just seem to take it all away.
You're right, I would meet new people but I'm at the point where I'm too afraid to connect with new people in my life because I'm clearly not equipped for adult relationships. Plus, I'm so devastated about losing my last group of people that I just don't really want to move on without them, simply because I felt I connected so well with them, with one in particular. I hate myself because I am the common denominator as people always leave me.

 

[Acerakis]

I can really empathise with the feeling not feeling equipped for adult relationships. Some people seem to become friends so easily where as I spend months getting to know someone and then the conversations just die away, or they never have free time to hang out anymore. No one ever seems to want reschedule if things conflict, its always "sorry don't think I can make that anymore" and then I don't hear back. I'm probably just emotionally draining to be around or something.

 

[madbananas]

I can really empathise with the feeling not feeling equipped for adult relationships. Some people seem to become friends so easily where as I spend months getting to know someone and then the conversations just die away, or they never have free time to hang out anymore. No one ever seems to want reschedule if things conflict, its always "sorry don't think I can make that anymore" and then I don't hear back. I'm probably just emotionally draining to be around or something.

I hear you. I had someone who would literally tell me to email them to arrange a coffee date, every time I did they had to cancel. After about the 5th time of them telling me to email again to arrange another date, we did and then again it got cancelled. I emailed something along the lines of "if you dint want to hang out just say" and I got back a very blunt email, verging on nasty saying it was discomforting how I was questioning her diary. I mean, it's fair enough she was busy but I also think it's understandable I felt suspicious with the amount of times she kept cancelling but then telling me to contact again and rearrange. No joke it was about 5 times. If it been me in her position, I would have at least taken some accountability in saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I can appreciate you may feel like I'm mucking you about, I'm honestly not, but..." then kindly explain that things are hectic.

 

[Acerakis]

Got a friend who does the exact same thing, I have never called her out on it because I know that know matter how delicately I would try to explain how much it hurt me to be cancelled on so much it would end in her shouting at me about her current mental state or how busy she is. I just wish she would just never say she wanted to hang out instead of constantly getting my hopes for a nice day out only to dash them on the morning. I had actually given up on ever asking her any more but with lockdown and all, most people we know being out of town I thought we were the only options for each other for socially distanced chat in the park. Of course she was very up for it until the morning it was planned for.

I was always taught that if you cancel something then you should be the one to reschedule but I guess this was just a motto my parents had rather than a societal norm.

 

[autumnal]

The everything going to waste part is more the relationships I established with people throughout my degree coming to an abrupt end. Just the typical situation of thinking people cared about me, having hopes of friendships afterwards and then being completely ghosted after a suicide attempt. I feel I'm going through grief more than anything. I get what you're saying though, but I have been reported as fit to practice. And yeah there are other people experiencing delays, I think it's just more the frustration of having worked so hard believing that finally things had turned around in my life for the good, to then be sexually assaulted and just mucked around emotionally by certain people, and now I'm a big disappointment to everyone, including myself.

Please understand that just because you have been judged fit to practice professionally, doesn't mean that mental illness might still not be clouding some of your perceptions in the personal realm. Fit to practice just means you are safe in the workplace, it doesn't mean you are in perfect mental health as a person overall. Don't get me wrong, there are very few if any people who are in perfect mental health overall.