Venting Going into a suicidal spiral when my mum lashed out at me. (Rant) + am i just weak-minded?

[melancholy&somejoy]

I came home from a co-curricular activity (around 8pm, been in school since 730am) and was already ranting to my mum & my sis on how i am always left out no matter what friend group i am in. I could be the 3rd wheel, 4th wheel, and 5th wheel. the constant reminder that although i try to include myself (I like to consider that i am pretty self-aware), people still disrespect and tread all over me.

As i was ranting to my mum, i wanted to go to sleep for awhile, she brought out a cup of water to spray the water droplets at me so i wouldn't go sleep as she wanted me to go shower instead (so i wouldnt fall asleep ; it's a little challenging to wake me up from my naps and they are also partially the reason why i sleep past 1am almost every night.)

suddenly, after much delay on my side (i was still laughing), she got very angry and whipped me with a nearby hangar, I didn't expect this and started to cry. every time my mum lashes out like this and we have a fall out, i always spiral into suicidal thoughts.

Be it that none of my family members seem to truly care for me, not my father who is neglectful yet patient and even my stupid self has managed to make him unleash violent sides, not my younger sister who has seen my mum physically hit me since childhood but can't be bothered with me and certainly, not my mum who i have a love-hate relationship with.

My suicidal thoughts also go to the fact that i have nothing in my life to live for, neither do i have anything good going in my life ; i think I am ugly, i have Sluggish Cognitive Tempo which essentially results in me seeming "dumb"to others (or maybe just myself), I'm always the one being left out (not on purpose though, i am sure), the one who pisses off both parents, the one who has a porn addiction and sext with men online… I'm just doomed, hopeless.

afterwards i cried and screamed and cried some more in the shower for a good hour, banging my head on the wall, scratching my wrist with my dad's razor, I hate getting close to the bathroom floor but i sat on the bathroom floor, still wearing clothes and having my hair tied up in a ponytail, just crying and asking God why he doesn't just kill me now.

Btw now my mum is all regretful, asking if i need medication for the toe she whipped with the hangar, even leaving a message saying she's sorry. I tend to go back to being all lovey with her but each time this srot of thing happens, i just spiral into wanting to commit suicide… is it even abuse if I'm the problem? Why was i born as a child that people would hate? Why is it that when i was just 8, i made my mum so mad, she felt the need to strangle me? Why is it that other people in my school do the same as well which is the reason why I'm always left out? Is it because i actually look terrible and the person I see in the mirror isn't me at all?

Also i have a test tomorrow, first thing in the morning and its 10:40pm and i haven't even started studying + I didn't nap and only cried in the shower so I'm extremely tired. Fuck my life.

I dont really know why i wrote this, i suppose it's just a rant with no actual purpose, like me. I certainly dont look like the type to have suicidal thoughts though, but i dont think going to school Counsellors have helped, they all treated me as "just another student" who's weak-minded. I am starting to think that no, I'm not depressed, I'm just really pathetic and weak. I have been having such suicidal spirals since 2 years ago though, looks like nothing changed.

Just a rant…

 

[81-Z@P@D]

I had something of a similar childhood, here's what i'd advise you to think about:

1. Do you actually like the co-curricular activities you're doing? Do you feel yourself growing a person and improving your self-esteem / sense of self whilst doing it?
2. Do you actually like the friends around you? Do they reciprocate your interest in them? From these questions you should determine the friends that are worth your time and those whom are best left as classmates. (Don't go any further than they would for you)
3. The most important part of points one and two is that you shouldn't degrade yourself for others or the ideas of others. You must (as feasibly possible) put what you think is good for yourself first, which is something you can take one step at a time.
4. If you're wondering why people are like this, even if it is rude to acknowledge it, the basis for a lot of relationships (some might even stretch this to human existence) is one's utility to others. For example, if your smart and generous, your parents will get off your back since they have nothing to fear for your grades, your classmates will rely on you for answers and advice, a useful person. Most groups of people are fickle like that, and will come up with all sorts of excuses and copes for their behavior.
5. With this in mind, it might be worthwhile to check if you have conditions, like I did with my ADHD. The medication does help me concentrate. But you have every right to feel angry about what you stated in your post, because my own parents never bothered getting me a proper diagnosis until 2021.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like an awful situation to be trapped in, it's certainly so horrible how humans can be so incredibly cruel and make the existences of others much worse. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[starrvingstar]

im sorry you have had to endure any of this, my mom lashes out at my verbally and i cant stnad it. i start yelling, breaking down, banging my head. it overwhelms me frankly, ive ripped the skin off my face with my nails in front her her while trying to endure her yelling at me for no absolute reason, then she asks what happened... me and my mother are not close and she has never apologized to me. she is very narcissistic. try working a lot whenever you can and make enough money to possibly move out as soon as possible if this happens often. you are not weak, you're struggling.

 

[SexyIncél]

If you're wondering why people are like this, even if it is rude to acknowledge it, the basis for a lot of relationships (some might even stretch this to human existence) is one's utility to others. For example, if your smart and generous, your parents will get off your back since they have nothing to fear for your grades, your classmates will rely on you for answers and advice, a useful person. Most groups of people are fickle like that, and will come up with all sorts of excuses and copes for their behavior.

You and others made excellent points! Sadly, this one really struck me. I guess the nice way to spin it is that people are so overworked, they only have time and energy for people useful to them

Social relationships aren't very stable. So one way to increase their stability is to be useful to many people

This is why systems like wageslavery work. If everyone had sufficient food, shelter, and luxuries... you couldn't easily depend on them to do what you want. So they have to need you, or someone like you

 

[SoftWorries]

That's so abusive of her. No wonder you're feeling down.

 

[letmechoosemyfate]

Same with me, i hate it how parents simply put the fault on their kids if they are doing wrong. But they never look at their mistakes. Parents never think about what they could've/have done wrong. Since they are parents they are perfect as they think. But if it means improving each other, parents simply think "Nah man i ain't doin this shit" since they don't do mistakes. I have had instances like that myself and it only has led me to being rebellious and yelling back + fucking me up even more

 

[Archness]

Mother hates me... This hits close to home. At least it's not this bad, but the hate is real.

Don't be fooled when she "makes it up" to you, it does not erase what happens, it doesn't change what will inevitably happen. She will still hate you, but still sees it her duty to (somewhat) be a mother, at the very least. If that wasn't the case at all, she'd literally thrown you away. That's really my 2cent on what I read here, can't really say anything definitive.

I get how such an interaction makes one suicidal. Mother scolding me reminds me of how I'm defective and should be dead. It hurts alot knowing the one who birthed you would've done a hard-pass if they knew you'd come out.

I have had instances like that myself and it only has led me to being rebellious and yelling back + fucking me up even more

Yeah. Apparently it's perfectly fine for mother to lash out at me because she's, "Angry and frustrated", but a big no-no when all that disdain gets to me and I lash out myself. Today we had another argument, and things almost got physical. She's confident in her safety, and she's certainly safe, but I kinda worry she'd cross the line into over-confidence in those situations. If she slapped me then, I would've sent her to the hospital, or even the grave.

 

[melancholy&somejoy]

I had something of a similar childhood, here's what i'd advise you to think about:

1. Do you actually like the co-curricular activities you're doing? Do you feel yourself growing a person and improving your self-esteem / sense of self whilst doing it?
2. Do you actually like the friends around you? Do they reciprocate your interest in them? From these questions you should determine the friends that are worth your time and those whom are best left as classmates. (Don't go any further than they would for you)
3. The most important part of points one and two is that you shouldn't degrade yourself for others or the ideas of others. You must (as feasibly possible) put what you think is good for yourself first, which is something you can take one step at a time.
4. If you're wondering why people are like this, even if it is rude to acknowledge it, the basis for a lot of relationships (some might even stretch this to human existence) is one's utility to others. For example, if your smart and generous, your parents will get off your back since they have nothing to fear for your grades, your classmates will rely on you for answers and advice, a useful person. Most groups of people are fickle like that, and will come up with all sorts of excuses and copes for their behavior.
5. With this in mind, it might be worthwhile to check if you have conditions, like I did with my ADHD. The medication does help me concentrate. But you have every right to feel angry about what you stated in your post, because my own parents never bothered getting me a proper diagnosis until 2021.

1. I do enjoy the co-curricular activity (dance). I dont think the activity is actually the problem, it's just that i get extremely depressed when i am walking out of the club alone while all my "friends" around me are in their groups of 2, 3 and 4 Chatting happily, going home together. I interpret this as that i am not anyone's first choice. I'm just a person that they can strike friendly conversations with.
2. i dont think my friends intentionally leave me out, i believe that it is actually because whenever we do talk, my mind is blank, no thoughts, no opinions whatsoever. This ends up in me not having anything to say. Additionally, some of my classmates seem to think that it's okay to just ignore me even when I'm speaking to them. I know respect is earned, but why is it that everyone around me Are already given the basic respect when I'm not? Do i look bullyable?

I doubt i have any conditions, SCT isn't even considered "legit" actually, in many situations which have been proven, i think i was just born extremely unlucky. i dont feel angry in my post because of not getting a diagnosis btw, i just always have breakdowns and go into a suicidal spiral when my mum lashes out at me. "was i the accidental child? Why is she so quick to hit me not my sister? Why is it that everyone Seems to be easily pissed off by me? Is my destiny just to commit suicide?"

That's so abusive of her. No wonder you're feeling down.

I cannot tell if its abuse or not, surely if its abuse, my sister and father wouldn't be so nonchalant about it. (and my sister is mature enough to understand the concept of abuse, she's 13 and my mum's treatment of me has been ongoing since she was 4). Additionally, is it abuse if i think i have some problems with my behaviour as well? ysterday when my mum whipped me, i lost my cool, i cried but i also started to throw things at her, i was so angry and was screaming at her that she was a "fucking bitch". She also mentioned that she doesn't want to feed or let me stay with her anymore, told me it would be better if i die and i yelled for her to "go die" instead and that "i want to die because of you".

The only way i can see it as abuse is when i was whining as a young child of 8 years old about the warmth, she refused to turn the fan to a higher speed because my younger sister was cold, I couldn't fall asleep because of this and started to just throw a tantrum, she then proceeded to strangle me. i get that I didn't have the best behaviour when i was young But I can't possibly fathom how she thinks it was justified to swing me around and throw me on the floor when i was 10.

My sister never grew up with the same treatment though, my mum's only caned her ONCE Which makes me think I'm the problem and that it isn't abuse.

Mother hates me... This hits close to home. At least it's not this bad, but the hate is real.

Don't be fooled when she "makes it up" to you, it does not erase what happens, it doesn't change what will inevitably happen. She will still hate you, but still sees it her duty to (somewhat) be a mother, at the very least. If that wasn't the case at all, she'd literally thrown you away. That's really my 2cent on what I read here, can't really say anything definitive.

I get how such an interaction makes one suicidal. Mother scolding me reminds me of how I'm defective and should be dead. It hurts alot knowing the one who birthed you would've done a hard-pass if they knew you'd come out.


Yeah. Apparently it's perfectly fine for mother to lash out at me because she's, "Angry and frustrated", but a big no-no when all that disdain gets to me and I lash out myself. Today we had another argument, and things almost got physical. She's confident in her safety, and she's certainly safe, but I kinda worry she'd cross the line into over-confidence in those situations. If she slapped me then, I would've sent her to the hospital, or even the grave.

if she really does hate me, then other than the motherly duties of taking care of me like feeding me and such, why would she even bother to become all lovey and cuddly with me after such lashing out incidents? Of course, it takes a bit of time for tensions to simmer between us but i still dont understand even my own behaviour how i become so lovey with her afterwards despite having gone on multiple self-harm episodes and suicidal spirals when she lashes out.

I did get sort of physical with my mum last night, i threw things at her which she dodged. I have also fought back for myself like kicking her off me Before to which she complained to my dad that i hit her… sure, she gives me space after I fight back but why do The lashing out happen in the first place? Why does it take so little for her to lash out at me?

 

[my-end]

Your mum isn't equipped with the necessary skills to provide proper parenting. I wasn't well equipped either.
If you're not being treated in a manner that reinforces either positive development or positive feelings, then consider that the issue is with the other person (even if it's your parent) and try to understand why they may be acting this way. I'm not saying you're not loved, some just don't know how to show it.

 

[Lon]

you are not weak minded, sounds like a fucked situation all around. Even if she showers you with love, abuse is abuse. dealing with abusers always makes your head spin, they try their best to make you feel as if you're the problem, as if you're crazy. I'm sad to say the only advice i can give you is to spend as much time away from the house as possible, and as soon as you're done with school, gtfo. There's more out there, peace exists without the need to end it all. I don't know what you deal with day to day, but you've made it this far, and you might as well push to the day where you earn your own freedom. decide what to do with your life then, I promise there's peace eventually.

 

[Archness]

why would she even bother to become all lovey and cuddly

Can't really know, but something related to guilt... Well, she thinks it's like a videogame where the good actions effectively pardon all that abuse. "Lovebombing" a common tactic abusive boyfriends and husbands use to make the girl stay, despite how they'll get back to beating and maybe even killing the next day. Never forget, never pardon.

Even if she showers you with love, abuse is abuse.

as soon as you're done with school, gtfo.