I'm so tired of all of this. I've been extremely suicidal on and off since like june 2017 but never got around to ending it due to SI, fear, guilt about hurting my mom, and just random bullshit thoughts like that I might find love in the future and be happy and other shit like that even though I'm almost certain that won't be true. At this point I don't care if it's the wrong decision, my life is a complete hell and it's been hell for ages, I'm sorry that it'll hurt my mom but she's gonna have to live with it. It's sad that I'm gonna die so young (21 this month) but plenty of younger people died all the time in the Elizabethan era from diseases, I think like 1/3 kids didn't even make it to the age of ten. I've been cursed with constant anxiety, i destroy all of my relationships and every single person who was ever a close friend of mine is now gone. I'm numb and unable to deal with emotions due to SSRIs that I took 3 years ago that had persistent shitty effects on me and I'm a financial burden on my family and no one even likes having me around. I need to go very soon, I need to muster up all of the courage and energy I have and get the f out of this nightmarish life.
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