Venting god i hate myself. sorry, here's a post moping about it

[hopscotch]

god i know its silly but i just really hate myself i hate that i just have to live like this because im too much of a pussy to commit i hate that i hurt people i hate that im lazy i hate that i was born into a good life and im squandering it i hate that i hate myself because i know it's stupid and useless to hate myself but i keep on doing it anyway instead of changing or doing anything and even by making this post i continue to be a useless sack of shit just soaking in my own misery instead of trying to change anything. i hate that i feel like i'm a fundamentally bad person because that's stupid, i try not to hurt people, but i hate that i feel like i'm not because i am, i hurt them anyway. i hate every aspect of myself because i know if i just converted all of this uselessness into action i could eliminate every single point of self loathing i have just like that. but i wont. because, what? there's no mental block. i know im depressed but its so hard to believe tgat because look at me . i have free will. i can decide to do things. i can decide t owork. im just not. im not. i'm not working and i'm not killing myself either so what the fuck AM i doing? rotting? wasting it all? i type this out and i don't even feel that bad because this is all just, i dont know, routine. i don't cry about any of this. i don't even feel particularly bad. maybe i do. i dont know. i dont feel bad i feel normal. this feels like an act im putting on, all this hating myself. like im just making excuses. i know i am. i'm just making excuses. i know this is depressing as shit to read and i hate myself for putting that out there too like literally what do i expect to gain from putting this out there? some closure? im never gonna kill myself im a fucking idiot . i dont know. ive never said these things. ive never typed them out before. i guess i just want to see how it feels. jesus. im sorry, i really am.

 

[sugarb]

I understand how you're feeling. All the delegitimizing your own emotions, questioning why you're doing anything, being really depressed. I don't know how to fix it other than falling asleep, but I find it's helpful to write stuff like this in the form of diary entries in a single thread. There's less self-consciousness about creating junk posts, and I can write good things instead of just bad. Plus makes me feel somewhat heard, at least compared to a private diary. I'll read yours if you made one :)

I hope this finds you happier than you were on Friday.

 

[complex]

god i know its silly but i just really hate myself i hate that i just have to live like this because im too much of a pussy to commit i hate that i hurt people i hate that im lazy i hate that i was born into a good life and im squandering it i hate that i hate myself because i know it's stupid and useless to hate myself but i keep on doing it anyway instead of changing or doing anything and even by making this post i continue to be a useless sack of shit just soaking in my own misery instead of trying to change anything. i hate that i feel like i'm a fundamentally bad person because that's stupid, i try not to hurt people, but i hate that i feel like i'm not because i am, i hurt them anyway. i hate every aspect of myself because i know if i just converted all of this uselessness into action i could eliminate every single point of self loathing i have just like that. but i wont. because, what? there's no mental block. i know im depressed but its so hard to believe tgat because look at me . i have free will. i can decide to do things. i can decide t owork. im just not. im not. i'm not working and i'm not killing myself either so what the fuck AM i doing? rotting? wasting it all? i type this out and i don't even feel that bad because this is all just, i dont know, routine. i don't cry about any of this. i don't even feel particularly bad. maybe i do. i dont know. i dont feel bad i feel normal. this feels like an act im putting on, all this hating myself. like im just making excuses. i know i am. i'm just making excuses. i know this is depressing as shit to read and i hate myself for putting that out there too like literally what do i expect to gain from putting this out there? some closure? im never gonna kill myself im a fucking idiot . i dont know. ive never said these things. ive never typed them out before. i guess i just want to see how it feels. jesus. im sorry, i really am.

Wow honestly i feel your feels seriously i get it, in my way, i get it. I know everyones story and pain and feeling of that pain is different but reading this just WOW i thought i was alone with the words you have put that I share and now i know i am not. I still want out as i still don't fit this world or like this world and i STILL HATE myself but to feel less alone in some words has helped me feel less of a fool in it and when it does hopefully happen and i can find that dead peace i now know i wasn't totally alone in my words and feelings