Venting ,,Go out with friends and clean at home"

[Qua]

Whole day my mood has been absolutely terrible. I've been at the edge of bursting out crying of harming myself on an impulse. Now it's almost 12am and mom came to me, straight up mad that I am mad and annoyed. I spilled so much what was bothering me, why I am like this today and feel worse lately. What did she tell me? She told me that it's straight up my fault, because I'm sitting in my room all day and because I don't come out to talk with her and her boyfriend. She told me to go out, she told me to go clean and tidy the house and that's how I'll feel better. Sorry, bitch, but I don't think any of that will help when I'm literally dying on the inside and my mental health has been deteriorating. At this point I'm not even scared to die, not even scared that my mother will feel terrible when I ctb because of how she reacted when I told her I don't like my life and the way it came out, when I told her I am mad she gave birth to me. She had no reaction whatsoever, even asked me if it's all her fault then, trying to play the victim as she always does

I found more calming meds in my room and took some, now just waiting and hoping for it to drug me so I don't feel shit

 

[dolemitedrums]

At this point I'm not even scared to die, not even scared that my mother will feel terrible when I ctb because of how she reacted when I told her I don't like my life and the way it came out, when I told her I am mad she gave birth to me. She had no reaction whatsoever, even asked me if it's all her fault then, trying to play the victim as she always does..

To be fair, this is a pretty harsh thing to say to your mother. How was she supposed to react.

 

[Qua]

To be fair, this is a pretty harsh thing to say to your mother. How was she supposed to react.

I don't know. She always plays the victim, no matter what I say and no matter how I express my feelings. I've never put her at fault, even when it clearly was hers. First time I said what I truly meant so I don't feel bad

 

[lost_ange2211]

That's harsh, I'm sorry you have to deal with such people.

 

[ToastInTheShell]

Though what she said was pretty misguided it does sound like she wants to help, she's just bad at it. If you're even on this forum I think it's safe to say that you're past the point of "tidy room tidy mind". I think a lot of non-suicidal people find it hard to grasp what wanting death feels like, so you've gotta give her a bit of a break. Plus, what you said probably did hurt her pretty bad. Still doesn't excuse her emotional ignorance. Sorry you had to deal with that.