I'm scared, wish somebody could just do it for me. I have never been calmer, never as direct and fluent in anything else ever. Like i was being carried into the noose, moving without thinking, my only thoughts were about whether the noose was in the right spot. And then in i went, strange. Without a second thought. I could only describe it as somebody thirsty, diving head first into a bowl of water at a moment's notice, except i felt no relief in any of it, i was never thirsty, i was never re hydrated. I closed my eyes and bent down as fast as i could, i felt the rope squeeze my neck, i was 'squated', leaned forward, i acknowledged the physicality of the rope, where it was, how far i leaned into it, how i was positioned, all without words, or an image, directionless focus, call it an observation. After 5ish or so seconds i stood back up, i opened my eyes and loosened the noose, i was horrified. My entire body screamed back at me, the most physical, tangible feeling of fear imaginable, i was more frightened by the yelling of my skin. All around, maybe it was actually relief, that blood was flowing back to my brain. My guess is that fight or flight beat me and it was like every individual limb afterwards wanted to punch me, ready to fight at a pin drop, on edge. i was taken aback by the scene, i took many deep breaths and keeled over my knees after I took off the noose. I now know it wouldn't happen. I can only say that i was flooded with an emotion aligned with the word "eh" as well as that i suddenly became jealous of those who have done it, it feels impossible, i feel trapped, forced to carry the name i was given, the past and an identity in Australia. No door to turn to. I might just throw all the rope away. Not for some mental turn-around but because there is a wall i know i cant hurdle. God, what a fucking joke.
stuck
stuck
