giving myself 3 years

[finish.me]

3 years for a very specific reason that i wont get into. but in that time im going to try to see if theres anything worth doing. ive come to the realization that my life has been completely sabotaged and theres literally nothing worthwhile i will ever be able to do. i don't have the ability to learn or hone a craft anymore, my brain isn't capable of it. I don't have a dialogue in my head, just complete unending overlapping manic thoughts that go no where and start over and over again, absolutely nothing important. and then at night it just goes blank. I'm in a constant haze and have been since 2016, and before that it was just empty borderline personality disorder suicidal depression that left me absolutely bedridden and agoraphobic since i was 8. I stopped retaining information after fucking fifth grade. im giving myself 3 years to truly solidify my suspisions that i will never actually feel content, that i genuinely have no aptitude for any work or hobby, and the only way to do that is go all out. I'm gonna try everything. I'll go to therapy and fucking study what interests me and keep at it consistently, ill put myself out there, ill take care of my body, etc and if it doesn't make me okay or if i don't find anything that makes me feel relatively okay then i'm going to kill myself in 2024. Heres my attempt at recovery.

 

[L-L]

Is there anything that you've always wanted to try? Anything you've ever considered that would bring contentment?

 

[RazzleDazzle]

That sounds reasonable. It's worth trying to see if there's a way to make life bearable and to try and find some meaning and purpose in life.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I do hope recovery works out for you, and if it doesn't at least by that point you would have tried everything. I wish you the best.

 

[timf]

If you are giving yourself time to experiment, it might be wothwhile to consider things that might be a little unusual. For example a lot of work requires you to carry the whole load yourself. You might consider calling various artists (potters, glass blowers, etc.) to see if they could use a part time helper. this might minimize the impact of a full time job, let you participate in something creative, and limit your contact with the larger world.