Help getting over si?

[Devil's Adcovate]

i've had plans for years, but anytime i actually think about doing them, my body/brain basically just shuts down and starts telling me that death is totally bad so stop thinking about it
it starts bringing up all my anxieties until i eventually tell myself i can't do it
but i'm so very tired, i'm sick of giving myself pathetic reasons not to go like "wahh you won't be able to listen to music"
but its just what my brain defaults to, no matter how hurt i am or how much worse everything gets. and god do they just keep getting worse
i don't have access to drugs or alcohol, so i can't make myself less conscious, and with my audhd, i'm already more conscious than most, so yay for that
i just resort to cutting, and that brought up the idea that, maybe if i cut myself all over, as deep as i can, telling myself that its just another cutting session, but then get in the bath, would i be able to bleed out without my si kicking in too aggressively?
would i even be able to bleed out at all without resorting to straight vein splitting cuts?
or would i just be covered in even more scars and put into a psyche ward for the rest of my life?
even more pathetically, i've thought about trying to give myself a heart attack, or just making my body give out, by drinking nothing but an abundance of monsters and taking a bunch of painkillers and silica gel packets
but my si is so bad that even when i did attempt by consuming seizure causing liquids, i ended up going to my mother and getting help, even though i couldn't say a word
i'm sure that if i did just take pills, something similar might happen
so i'm just at a loss
i don't know what to do and its so exhausting, i wish i could just fucking get it over with

 

[FuneralCry]

Methods like cutting and taking easily accessible pills aren't really recommended if one wishes to ctb and anyway cutting is a self harm method rather than a suicide one with a less than 2% success rate. But it does sound tiring what you are going through and I hate how it's so difficult to die, I imagine that those who managed to succeed in ctb just got so determined to leave, it's certainly like the SI exists just to prolong suffering and keep us trapped here in this world.

 

[Vizzy]

i've had plans for years, but anytime i actually think about doing them, my body/brain basically just shuts down and starts telling me that death is totally bad so stop thinking about it
it starts bringing up all my anxieties until i eventually tell myself i can't do it
but i'm so very tired, i'm sick of giving myself pathetic reasons not to go like "wahh you won't be able to listen to music"
but its just what my brain defaults to, no matter how hurt i am or how much worse everything gets. and god do they just keep getting worse
i don't have access to drugs or alcohol, so i can't make myself less conscious, and with my audhd, i'm already more conscious than most, so yay for that
i just resort to cutting, and that brought up the idea that, maybe if i cut myself all over, as deep as i can, telling myself that its just another cutting session, but then get in the bath, would i be able to bleed out without my si kicking in too aggressively?
would i even be able to bleed out at all without resorting to straight vein splitting cuts?
or would i just be covered in even more scars and put into a psyche ward for the rest of my life?
even more pathetically, i've thought about trying to give myself a heart attack, or just making my body give out, by drinking nothing but an abundance of monsters and taking a bunch of painkillers and silica gel packets
but my si is so bad that even when i did attempt by consuming seizure causing liquids, i ended up going to my mother and getting help, even though i couldn't say a word
i'm sure that if i did just take pills, something similar might happen
so i'm just at a loss
i don't know what to do and its so exhausting, i wish i could just fucking get it over with

Sorry to say all your methods are unreliable and brutal way to go

When it comes to cutting you have to cut your vein for the huge blood loss to ctb, painkillers, monster energy +silica gel packets will mess up your liver, painful and long time for death like 3 days to 1 week

If your si is strong which mean you are not ready to ctb and have some kind of hope in your life!

 

[Devil's Adcovate]

Sorry to say all your methods are unreliable and brutal way to go

When it comes to cutting you have to cut your vein for the huge blood loss to ctb, painkillers, monster energy +silica gel packets will mess up your liver, painful and long time for death like 3 days to 1 week

If your si is strong which mean you are not ready to ctb and have some kind of hope in your life!

liver failure doesn't sound too bad going off of the symptoms; i already have random bouts of nausea vomiting abdomen pain and sleepiness, my chronic and otherwise random pain is one of the many reasons my life is so hellish to live
i don't have hope, i never have, i have only ever not gone through with things because i didn't want to hurt those around me, but these days everyone is calling me selfish and inconsiderate so clearly they don't care anymore
i still don't want to traumatize anyone too bad, but the only thing holding me back at this point is just the si, i mean some people can't even muster the resolve to cut themselves, let alone pull a trigger or sever a vein
how anyone does it without being almost unconscious, i have no clue, my brain literally just shuts my body down