I attempted once and seriously thought I was going to die the whole time, so I'm hoping I can do it again without too much fear. I know I'm going to do it no matter what, but I don't want my last moments to be filled with hesitation and fear and doubt and racing thoughts like last time. My first and only attempt was by overdose. I didn't die, of course. My thoughts were racing so much the whole time and I had to force myself to swallow the pills. I don't want my death to be like that. No matter how much I wanted to die beforehand, I was so conscious of how I was about to fade into eternal nothingness, forever. It's such a sudden change. And it's scary, but I'm going to die anyway, and I'm just ending it sooner than later, so I need to get over it, because this is all I want. The transition is scary, though. Like jumping into a pool. You know you're going to be fine when you do it, but you're scared of the transition into the cold water. I'm not scared of the pain. I'm just scared of the transition from life to nothingness. I'm jumping from 200 feet-400 feet (planning on jumping from a hotel, haven't decided which one) it will be quick and certain, and even if it isn't quick, I don't care, as long as it's certain. I don't have the opportunity to repeat this if I chicken out the first time because it's a very expensive room, since it's a penthouse balcony. I have to take a 2 hour trip with public transportation to the city beforehand, and I think that's the part I'm worried about the most, and the days leading up to the reservation date. So much time to think and doubt.
I'm most worried about the days leading up to it and the train ride, but what would help once I get there as well? I have anxiety medication, Klonopin. Would alcohol help me jump or should I do it sober? I'm most worried about the days leading up to it, the day of, and the train ride, though.
I'm most worried about the days leading up to it and the train ride, but what would help once I get there as well? I have anxiety medication, Klonopin. Would alcohol help me jump or should I do it sober? I'm most worried about the days leading up to it, the day of, and the train ride, though.
