Discussion Getting my affairs in order

[Frank]

Since i'm gonna attempt to ctb in september I've been trying to get my affairs in order. I think I thought about most things like my banking info passwords to most of my account wiping some delicate things of my harddrive a message to my online friends to inform them etc. The only thing i'm struggling with is if i should write a note and if i do should it be 1 note or personal ones to the People i care about... Anyway how are you guys preparing and what are some pros and cons of note (s)

 

[woxihuanni]

I don't fucking care what happens once I take my trashy self out. Kudos for planning well, good luck.

 

[Lookingforabus]

The only thing i'm struggling with is if i should write a note and if i do should it be 1 note or personal ones to the People i care about... Anyway how are you guys preparing and what are some pros and cons of note (s)

Depends on what you want to accomplish. If you want to ease the pain to your survivors, yes, leave a note, and better yet, also leave each of them individual personal correspondences. There are a couple recent threads, and I think a link or two in the resources thread about how to write a good suicide note, and what to avoid in a suicide note, assuming you're trying to ease the pain of your survivors.

As long as you do it right, and don't write anything that makes it worse, the only cons I see are that it takes time, and is probably going to be painful for you.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I'm waiting for money to come in so I can see some escorts and try to enjoy what time I have left the best I can. I've been procrastinating writing the letters that I'll leave behind. Worst case of writer's block ever...

 

[Frank]

Depends on what you want to accomplish. If you want to ease the pain to your survivors, yes, leave a note, and better yet, also leave each of them individual personal correspondences. There are a couple recent threads, and I think a link or two in the resources thread about how to write a good suicide note, and what to avoid in a suicide note, assuming you're trying to ease the pain of your survivors.

As long as you do it right, and don't write anything that makes it worse, the only cons I see are that it takes time, and is probably going to be painful for you.

Thanks!

 

[Ritter]

Since i'm gonna attempt to ctb in september I've been trying to get my affairs in order. I think I thought about most things like my banking info passwords to most of my account wiping some delicate things of my harddrive a message to my online friends to inform them etc. The only thing i'm struggling with is if i should write a note and if i do should it be 1 note or personal ones to the People i care about... Anyway how are you guys preparing and what are some pros and cons of note (s)

I would leave a note. My BF recently CTB, it wasn't something I ever thought he would do...we lived together for years and I never knew he was depressed. He left a note explaining his pain and why (which helped me understand, though did not help ease the pain) and he left me an individual note telling me he was sorry and he loved me. I've read that note so many times...it hurts but it's comforting too to know that he really did love me.

So if you have close friends or family or a significant other I suggest a personalized note to help with the grieving. I've typed up everything, read it a few times, revised it and plan to hand write my note so it is more meaningful.

I also suggest you mailing your note if handwritten. The police took my BF's note and gave me a copy, I wish I could have kept the original...

 

[Frank]

I would leave a note. My BF recently CTB, it wasn't something I ever thought he would do...we lived together for years and I never knew he was depressed. He left a note explaining his pain and why (which helped me understand, though did not help ease the pain) and he left me an individual note telling me he was sorry and he loved me. I've read that note so many times...it hurts but it's comforting too to know that he really did love me.

So if you have close friends or family or a significant other I suggest a personalized note to help with the grieving. I've typed up everything, read it a few times, revised it and plan to hand write my note so it is more meaningful.

I also suggest you mailing your note if handwritten. The police took my BF's note and gave me a copy, I wish I could have kept the original...

Was there something in the note that particularly helped or something you recommend including?

Great tip about the handwritten note although i will just type it since my handwriting is terrible and it would seem like a cruel joke to leave something they can't understand.

 

[_milo]

Personally, I have letters written to everyone who I feel needs one. I have also written a general note describing my situation as best I can, including what I wish to be done with my belongings etc.

I have also written letters to my younger brother to be given to him on the corresponding birthdays written on them in my absence. However, I'm still unsure about them. If anyone has any input on that I'd love to hear arguments for or against it.

 

[Frank]

Personally, I have letters written to everyone who I feel needs one. I have also written a general note describing my situation as best I can, including what I wish to be done with my belongings etc.

I have also written letters to my younger brother to be given to him on the corresponding birthdays written on them in my absence. However, I'm still unsure about them. If anyone has any input on that I'd love to hear arguments for or against it.

It's kinda hard to say since you don't know how the situation will be by that time. Personally I would like my family to move on after I'm gone so giving reminders isn't something I would do.

 

[Stan]

It's kinda hard to say since you don't know how the situation will be by that time. Personally I would like my family to move on after I'm gone so giving reminders isn't something I would do.

Completely agree. I have a teenage son with the others being in their 20's. I am leaving him a copy of a poem by Rudyard Kipling called 'If'. As relevant to a teenage person as it is to an old man like me.

 

[Ritter]

Was there something in the note that particularly helped or something you recommend including?

Great tip about the handwritten note although i will just type it since my handwriting is terrible and it would seem like a cruel joke to leave something they can't understand.

All I can tell you is that it was in a way good to know he thought of me in the end, that I had his note and his last texts, so if you have someone like that let them know you care and love them. I will say I wish he had given me a chance. So I think everyone should give their family and/or friends a chance...Im doing that myself now (by seeing professional help) but none of it will bring him back so I can't say it'll make a difference.

I can't tell you for sure what you should write as each situation is different.

Here is a general resource that may or may not be helpful.

HOW TO WRITE A SUICIDE NOTE

 

[Wayfaerer]

I would leave a note. My BF recently CTB, it wasn't something I ever thought he would do...we lived together for years and I never knew he was depressed. He left a note explaining his pain and why (which helped me understand, though did not help ease the pain) and he left me an individual note telling me he was sorry and he loved me. I've read that note so many times...it hurts but it's comforting too to know that he really did love me.

So if you have close friends or family or a significant other I suggest a personalized note to help with the grieving. I've typed up everything, read it a few times, revised it and plan to hand write my note so it is more meaningful.

I also suggest you mailing your note if handwritten. The police took my BF's note and gave me a copy, I wish I could have kept the original...

The police keep the originals? That's sick!

Anyway to circumvent that (aside from mailing)?

 

[HGL91]

I would leave a note. My BF recently CTB, it wasn't something I ever thought he would do...we lived together for years and I never knew he was depressed. He left a note explaining his pain and why (which helped me understand, though did not help ease the pain) and he left me an individual note telling me he was sorry and he loved me. I've read that note so many times...it hurts but it's comforting too to know that he really did love me.

So if you have close friends or family or a significant other I suggest a personalized note to help with the grieving. I've typed up everything, read it a few times, revised it and plan to hand write my note so it is more meaningful.

I also suggest you mailing your note if handwritten. The police took my BF's note and gave me a copy, I wish I could have kept the original...

That gave YOU a copy?!? That's messed up!! You deserve the original.

 

[Lookingforabus]

That gave YOU a copy?!? That's messed up!! You deserve the original.

Some people don't get *anything* until after a months long investigation into an obvious suicide.

Straight up evil, but completely expected, given the source.

 

[Frank]

All I can tell you is that it was in a way good to know he thought of me in the end, that I had his note and his last texts, so if you have someone like that let them know you care and love them. I will say I wish he had given me a chance. So I think everyone should give their family and/or friends a chance...Im doing that myself now (by seeing professional help) but none of it will bring him back so I can't say it'll make a difference.

I can't tell you for sure what you should write as each situation is different.

Here is a general resource that may or may not be helpful.

HOW TO WRITE A SUICIDE NOTE

Thank you for your insight which is probably unique on this site!

 

[FoxtrotOscar]

I'm waiting for money to come in so I can see some escorts and try to enjoy what time I have left the best I can. I've been procrastinating writing the letters that I'll leave behind. Worst case of writer's block ever...

:) I was going to to CTB in April. I decided to take a holiday, see some galleries and go to the theatre. Because I was so lonely, I hired an escort for the whole night, I just wanted the company. We watched a couple of films on the couch, ate pizza and then went to bed, we didn't have sex, we just cuddled (honestly, I think I was too depressed to do anything besides It was just too nice as it was)... anyway... we are now dating, and i'm still here. She's no longer escorting, it was only a temporary solution for her. I am not saying, hire an escort because you might fall in love (please don't don't it won't happen, we were both very similar and just in the right place at the right time), hire an escort because that human contact is so essential, there is nothing wrong with it, just go about it the right way, treat her as a human being, be kind, understanding, take an interest in her life and, in return, you might get something back, Im not talking about sex or the prospect of dating her, I mean just being with another person.

 

[Lookingforabus]

The police keep the originals? That's sick!

Anyway to circumvent that (aside from mailing)?

Make multiple copies. Depends on where you are, but generally the scene of a suicide is considered a crime scene, so if you can CtB in one place (a hotel room, for example) and have copies of your note(s) with you, the police will be less liable to head to your loved ones' homes and seize notes from there as well. And, of course, dropping them in the mail should help.

I'm told that police take the original notes to do a proper investigation and make sure the death isn't staged (making sure your fingerprints are on the note, which requires an original), but I also believe that it's not possible to remain a police officer these days unless you are also a cruel sociopath, so I think that factors into it too.

 

[Wayfaerer]

:) I was going to to CTB in April. I decided to take a holiday, see some galleries and go to the theatre. Because I was so lonely, I hired an escort for the whole night, I just wanted the company. We watched a couple of films on the couch, ate pizza and then went to bed, we didn't have sex, we just cuddled (honestly, I think I was too depressed to do anything besides It was just too nice as it was)... anyway... we are now dating, and i'm still here. She's no longer escorting, it was only a temporary solution for her. I am not saying, hire an escort because you might fall in love (please don't don't it won't happen, we were both very similar and just in the right place at the right time), hire an escort because that human contact is so essential, there is nothing wrong with it, just go about it the right way, treat her as a human being, be kind, understanding, take an interest in her life and, in return, you might get something back, Im not talking about sex or the prospect of dating her, I mean just being with another person.

That's great! "Human contact" is exactly what I'm looking for *wink* *wink*

 

[Ritter]

The police keep the originals? That's sick!

Anyway to circumvent that (aside from mailing)?

Yes. Unfortunately as some have stated that they do an investigation even if the cause of death is clear. My BF left a will (of sorts), a general note explaining everything, and a personal note for me. That note to me means more than I can ever describe... The police took all of those, recorded our last texts to each other (him telling me he had a gun and wanted it to end), my frantic pleas for him to let me come get him, the phone call log of my 18+ phone calls to him when I was trying to find him...everything.

In fact even though he has been gone for a few weeks now we still don't have his death certificate because toxicology takes so long so the "investigation" isn't technically over yet.

As others said I think the best method I think is to leave copies of your notes with you so when you are found the police can have them for their investigation and to mail your originals to your loved ones.

Another thing I ask that you consider doing is: get all photos and videos that you have of yourself that your friends or family may not have and compile them all in once place, a google drive account, a thumbdrive, something. Your friends and/or family will want to look at them. I've spent many nights just looking through mine. My BF did not take many photos of himself but I took a lot of him (he was absolutely adorable so how could I not?) and his family did not have any of him recently. I spent a lot of time making sure to get the best ones of him together and those his friends have for his family. That was an incredibly hard process...but it was worth it to give that for his family and friends.

Here's an odd suggestion: Wear a t-shirt, sweatshirt, or some type of clothing like that that you normally wear for a day or two. If you wore a specific deodorant or cologne/perfume lightly wear that with the clothing and place them in an airtight bag (like a spacebag). Why? Because it will have your scent on it. It may sound weird but scent is a powerful reminder. I promise you your parents will want it. Dylan's parents did, and I have a hoody he wore the day before. When someone you love is gone anything to remember them by is treasured.


@Frank, I know you said your handwriting is terrible (mines not particularly good either) but in that case I might suggest you type up your note on one or two pages and then handwrite the same thing in case they cant read it. It's just a lot more personal and I think means a lot more to hand write it. Just my suggestion.

Generic advice for anyone on settling your affairs:

Disposition of remains: If you wish your remains to be taken care of in a significant way (cremated, burial funeral, etc) then make sure you write that in a will or last statement. If you wish for certain individuals to have some of your things (certain clothes, tools, games, etc) then again make sure it is in a will or statement because without that then it's up to the next-of-kin who may not know your wishes or may decide to take another course of action. I was extremely lucky that my boyfriends parents knew how much we loved each other and let me be a part of the process for handling his remains and they let me keep anything of his that I wanted (you would be surprised how significant a particular t shirt can be when remembering someone you love).

Do I need a will? Make sure if you have assets in excess of $30,000 (if you are in the US) you put them in a will, if you have life insurance, IRA accounts, etc that you designate a beneficiary. It depends by state (in the US) but if you have assets greater that $30,000 but not a will then your assets go to probate where any outstanding debt takes priority, everything is subject to court costs and lawyer fees, and your family has to go through some frustrating and complicated hurdles to get anything of value and/or settle your debts.

There are generic will's you can buy at some office supply stores, there are some online services that cost a small fee ($35 or so) if you want to make sure you do it right.

Pets: If you have a pet it is considered property in the eyes of the law so you need to designate a caretaker for your pet(s) and can also allocate some funds from your estate for its care.

Life insurance: If you have a policy ensure that it is two years old before CTB as most states (with the exception of one or two) require the policy to be two years or older to pay out in an instance of suicide. I would also look at your particular policy to see if there are any other exceptions.

Financial accounts (credit card, banking, loans, retirement, medical savings etc) I would write down the account numbers, it's expected asset value (or debt), and your log in information if there is any. Your family or loved ones may not have access until they get a death certificate which can take quite a bit of time in some cases.

Property: If you have a car, boat, house, real estate in your name make sure your family or whomever will have access to your deed, title, etc of that property so they can take possession of or begin the process of taking care of your assets. If you have a car or home that you are still paying on: it can take months to get everything taken care of and your lenders will still expect payment so to prevent repossession or foreclosure I really advise you have this information available to whomever will be handling your estate.

Why does it matter? Putting your affairs together can be a pretty tedious and lengthy process, If you are leaving behind family or friends that will be taking care of your assets when you CTB I strongly encourage you to take the time to get everything together. Your friends and family (no matter how estranged or little you think of your current relationship) will very likely be having an incredibly hard time with your passing and all of this will help them through the process since grief can make it almost impossible to do anything productive.


Sorry for the long-winded post. Just some general advice that will help make sure your last wishes are followed and to help out any friends or family through the aftermath.

 

[woxihuanni]

Yeah, leaving your scent on clothes is a good idea. I won't be really doing that to provide comfort but from a selfish wish to leave that behind, though.

I don't know why, but among all things that will disappear with me, it is the idea of my scent that bothers me most.

 

[Yorkshire91]

Since i'm gonna attempt to ctb in september I've been trying to get my affairs in order. I think I thought about most things like my banking info passwords to most of my account wiping some delicate things of my harddrive a message to my online friends to inform them etc. The only thing i'm struggling with is if i should write a note and if i do should it be 1 note or personal ones to the People i care about... Anyway how are you guys preparing and what are some pros and cons of note (s)

I've left voice recordings with instructions as to what I want, one for my mum, one for my ex partner, none for my kids though surprisingly. What I said to my mum pretty much covers it.

 

[Ritter]

I've left voice recordings with instructions as to what I want, one for my mum, one for my ex partner, none for my kids though surprisingly. What I said to my mum pretty much covers it.

I think voice recordings are great, for the instructions and for remembering you; especially if you tell them you love them in it, I think that's something I would listen to endlessly if I had it.


Also related to affairs: It depends on your method to CTB but depending on the effectiveness/risk of failure I'd look into getting a Do Not Resuscitate and/or a "living will". The living will dictates what type of life-saving and medical procedures you consent to, so if you are discovered during or right after your attempt and are still alive, aren't 100% successful, or made into a vegetable it can be useful if you don't want to be hooked up to life-support and stuff like that. I can give more details if people are interested.