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slamjoetry
Nobody likes you when you're 23
- Apr 19, 2024
- 41
I'm sure this is a common thing that has been posted a lot already, but for years I've been stuck in this dead-end mindset where I'm so afraid of "living" but so afraid of dying too. I put living in quotation marks because I don't really have a life. No friends, no money, no future, no hope. I'm a worthless, insignificant failure that has no reason to keep existing.
I'm putting in an order for SN soon but I'm very doubtful about if I'll have the strength to take it. I wish I was dead so badly. But the process of dying is such a horrifying concept to me, and I don't know why. It should be such a relief to feel everything slipping away. But it doesn't seem like that and I really can't figure out why.
I've never been a religious person, but lately, as I go to bed every night, I've been praying to God to please take it all away from me while I sleep. I don't want to wake up. If it could all just go away like that, while I'm at peace and not even aware of it, that would be perfect. Unfortunately though, it doesn't seem like that's gonna happen. So I hope I can make a decision soon, on whether to face my fears by putting in the huge effort and risk into potentially improving my life, or to face my fears and finally end my life. I've always struggled with important decision-making, but I need to do this. I can't keep on existing in this state between life and death forever. I don't know what living or dying feels like, but I can guarantee either is better than this.
I'm putting in an order for SN soon but I'm very doubtful about if I'll have the strength to take it. I wish I was dead so badly. But the process of dying is such a horrifying concept to me, and I don't know why. It should be such a relief to feel everything slipping away. But it doesn't seem like that and I really can't figure out why.
I've never been a religious person, but lately, as I go to bed every night, I've been praying to God to please take it all away from me while I sleep. I don't want to wake up. If it could all just go away like that, while I'm at peace and not even aware of it, that would be perfect. Unfortunately though, it doesn't seem like that's gonna happen. So I hope I can make a decision soon, on whether to face my fears by putting in the huge effort and risk into potentially improving my life, or to face my fears and finally end my life. I've always struggled with important decision-making, but I need to do this. I can't keep on existing in this state between life and death forever. I don't know what living or dying feels like, but I can guarantee either is better than this.