Venting Genuinely what is my life

[princeseadove]

I'm such a doormat it's not even funny anymore. I was made with a friend that hé had ghosted me for so long, but he dismissed it saying how he "told me" (he didnt) and that he was tired. I get that part, but just one text was so much to ask for when I saw how active he was in TikTok? It's fine. Whatever. Similar thing happens to another friend. He is busy with university and how I was "in his heart", but for my birthday.. never said even a congrats when I spent time making his birthday gift and sending him sweet wishes all while- I was SOO depressed. And then I had to spend 12 hours working outside with children, all volunteer little pay. Everybody else went out but I stayed behind because I'm such a "goodie little two shoes" and when I got back home I was told I had to go to a wedding tomorrow. I said I can't, I am tired. But than my father threatened me and I seriously can't handle that kinda shit again so I went and when they asked for my glasses I just cried in the bathroom. I am so tired of being walked on. I am so so tired of fucking up social interactions and overthinking everything. I am so tired of having to see what kind of fucking- BS. I am so tired and sleep deprived even now. I'm just a dormat. Even when the two friends I mentioned caused me to have so many panic attacks… I just smile and DM and call out to them like I'm some dog. I'm just a dog. I am tired of being a dog. I want this to end. Nobody can really love me, so I want people to feel guilty, because at least theyll lit themselves down like I have done for them. Regret, regret, regret. I can't want to die.

 

[Dejected 55]

When I was younger I had friends who always seemed to be busy except when their cooler friends were occupied and then they suddenly had time for me. I realized I was always there for whatever they needed from me but they were rarely around when I needed a friend. At that point I jettisoned them all and didn't look back. Well, technically I reconnected with a couple many many years later on Facebook, but they were still the same people as I remembered back then... self-centered and mostly interested in their entertainment and fuck other people unless it benefitted them... so I disconnected from them all over again.

So many people only seem to want surface connections at most. Friends are really just "friends" more like acquaintances and don't feel very strongly for you regardless of what you feel or show for them. It hurts like hell to come to that realization... but it gets a little easier over time. I'm mostly fine being alone... at least as far as faux friends go... but I do wish I could have found a person, a soulmate, to connect with and have a life together. I'd be fine with her and nobody else... but I also didn't ever find that, because turns out people treat their romantic interests the same and nobody is really looking for anything beyond surface... try to make a real connection and you get ghosted.

I don't have a good answer to address your situation... just thought I'd share that you're not imagining things and your experiences are very real, sadly, and when you are a person who wants genuine connection you're going to suffer a lot more in life than those who just want the surface stuff.

 

[jerkbybile]

it is like dejected has said. so many people want surface level friendships, just someone they know who they can call on if they need a favor. it is devoid of any affection at all: a solely transactional relationship. i hope you can find a true friend who will try their best to understand you. feeling isolated while surrounded by "friends" is truly an awful feeling.