genesis of misery

[okkkk]

I think I understand now. Negative experiences of my early life caused my mental ecosystem to skew towards anxiety and self hate. I don't get mad at myself for feeling anymore. Because now I can see that the value of thought and feeling is zero. Me feeling an emotion is nothing more than that and doesn't indicate anything about reality. Its the actions taken (or not taken) based on those feelings that cause me to fail. Fear has handicapped my upward trajectory on many occasions and self hate is never far behind. This perpetuates the vicious cycle of depression every time.

misery.

The dissonance going on in my mind is happening within me yet, it is still out of my control. Its a frustrating problem. Missing out on general experience, beating myself up for it, then being afraid of this happening all over again when the next opportunity arises. Causing me to miss them all. The pattern is: fear, submission, loss, pain, self inflicted pain, THEN relapse all over again. Resulting in the fear becoming stronger with each cycle. As well as physical symptoms manifesting. like sweating. This makes my fears distorted so they seem bigger than they actually are.

All of these issues stem from the initial dilemma of anxiety. Irrational anxiety. I generate fear within myself even when a threat may not actually be there. My brain is classically conditioned to react a certain way in certain environments. It can catastrophise any situation. Or somehow tie the current situation into an earlier one where I felt as if i failed. Going into any situation where you already have so much pressure in your mind *guarantees* that It will turn out badly. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.This is where I think medicine should come in. I have very little faith in it at this point but I cant help but think that this is a case that could really turn my life around. If I could stop succumbing to fear even 10% less the new opportunities could change everything. And the idea of living in a world where I am not the only one in it is very enticing. Everything I love is behind a wall of fear. And my greatest fear is that I will never break though that wall.




tl;dr
Im thinking about going on some kind of anti anxiety med. One that is for generalized stuff as well as social. Because being starved of that is what causes me to be depressed. Id like to hear if you guys have had any success with treating stuff like this.

 

[Santiago]

I agree with everything you said and you know what you are talking about. Anxiety is indeed just typical classical conditioning leading to irrational fear.

Unfortunately I can't answer your question regarding meds. Doc prescribed me Paxil, but I refused to take it. It might sound ridiculous to some, but there is something inside me that desperately wants to beat this on my own strength.

I'd rather die than depend on meds. That is just me though and I would actually recommend other to try medication to see if it helps.

 

[dumdumdedum]

i too, liked what you said and resonated with it. however, my experience with meds has been ... sobering. int he sense that - they leave you numb, so to speak. they simply mask emotions temporarily. they aren't a true solution. i have since come to accept that ctb is the one true solution.

 

[Sensei]

I'd rather die than depend on meds.

This is not meant to be provocative, I'm just curious. If you got diabetes, would you say no to insulin?

 

[sueoffside]

I felt every word you said and it was so beautifully put. I still feel like shit but if it wasn't for medication I'd feel a whole lot worse, just my personal opinion although it does get worse before they level you out unfortunately and finding what works can be a ball ache

 

[Rushon]

I have bad anxiety and panic attacks, seems I have a strong fight or flight response. So my mind does create horrible situations, or as I like to call it, I am primed for a panic attack before I get to the actual event/place. Anti anxiety meds are good for this but the docs kept wanting me to take Zoloft, which just made me angry and aggressive so I stopped taking them.