LLawliet
Am I numb, or am I dead
- Mar 3, 2020
- 57
i found this forum about 5 years ago, younger than I should have been to be on this site but when youre a dumb teenager who thinks they know everything, you do stupid shit out of ignorance, naiveity and arrogance.
forgot about it after a year, attempted to OD when I was about 16 and it scared me so bad at the time I thought id never do it again. I've been in therapy since I was 9. I got diagnosed with BPD last year and had a miscarriage a few days later.
However I have a good life right now. I have a good job, a good relationship and I'm in my dream program in university. I have lots of friends, a place to live and enough disposable income to travel every now and then.
Yet I feel more suicidal than I have since my last attempt.
I stopped going to therapy because I felt like I just kept going in circles.
I know why I feel like this, but theres nothing I can do to change it.
I feel so deeply depressed about the world and I dont see the point in continuing onward knowing it will just keep getting worse.
I know my friends and family would be devastated. My partner and a decent number of my friends aren't mentally stable themselves and ending my life would more than likely cause them to do something (or so they have said to me in the past).
I always joke that if I do end up going through with it I would leave my roommates 3 months rent to find time to replace me, but I wouldn't do it until I have the money.
The thing is, I have the money to do it. I have the means to do it because my doctor gave me a 2 month supply of my medication. And I feel myself slowly losing the fear again, wanting to go through with it more and more everyday.
forgot about it after a year, attempted to OD when I was about 16 and it scared me so bad at the time I thought id never do it again. I've been in therapy since I was 9. I got diagnosed with BPD last year and had a miscarriage a few days later.
However I have a good life right now. I have a good job, a good relationship and I'm in my dream program in university. I have lots of friends, a place to live and enough disposable income to travel every now and then.
Yet I feel more suicidal than I have since my last attempt.
I stopped going to therapy because I felt like I just kept going in circles.
I know why I feel like this, but theres nothing I can do to change it.
I feel so deeply depressed about the world and I dont see the point in continuing onward knowing it will just keep getting worse.
I know my friends and family would be devastated. My partner and a decent number of my friends aren't mentally stable themselves and ending my life would more than likely cause them to do something (or so they have said to me in the past).
I always joke that if I do end up going through with it I would leave my roommates 3 months rent to find time to replace me, but I wouldn't do it until I have the money.
The thing is, I have the money to do it. I have the means to do it because my doctor gave me a 2 month supply of my medication. And I feel myself slowly losing the fear again, wanting to go through with it more and more everyday.
