gloomurai
"How Could I Have Changed?"
- Dec 22, 2024
- 10
I tend to not post stuff about how I feel towards my lover because at the end of the day I want to communicate with them, I don't want to ruin their life as i've ruined mine. I'll try to keep it vague since I don't like saying much about their personal life.
In my personal opinion I don't think this is an extreme case.. worse shit has happened due to me but if I keep this in, I know my emotional stability will deteriorate faster.
About a month ago I found out I guilt trip them—but, it's truly unintentional. I didn't know that was guilt tripping because I was expressing what I truly thought.
Recently I had a conversation with them about telling them all my thoughts when interacting. (As in anything relevant to the conversation at all.) Even whenever it was negative or not. I'm always anxious to say stuff because what if i hurt them or what if i ruin our relationship.
The last couple days have been a bit rocky because of my own jealousy and insecurity issues.
Today we had another conversation about me saying pointless lies again. I have lied in the past about things that didn't matter, i'm not sure why, i've done it all my life—just small things .. i did it before we even dated. I don't think I'm a pathological liar and I'd hope not, i'd feel as if it makes me less trustable.
They talked about a certain thing they thought I was lying about and I explained why I said it and how I believed it wasn't a lie through my eyes, I apologized and said I would change my wording in the future .. but that wasn't exactly what they were referring to.
There's this person I've been asked to block nearly a month ago because of personal reasons and I did because I'd do anything to make my lover feel comfortable.. though, the blocked person is telling others I'm their bestfriend and even in their screensharing or just video records of the app, I'm always at the top of the message list.?? I feel framed because I genuinely know I didn't lie about this, I know i haven't talked to them. I don't understand how to prove it, they told me to just leave it as is but I showed my conversations and tried to explain but it's useless in my eyes.. who wouldn't believe a live recording over a simple screenshot and a panicked explanation? I hate feeling framed.
I'm worried that they might not talk to me for a couple hours to think or anything. I know people need breaks when stuff like this happens to think but I genuinely cannot last with my lover.. I don't want to go too into detail but I heavily am codependent on them and will do extreme shit when I don't have them. Not to guilt them or anything but because I truly believe I deserve it.
I'm only fine now to explain it because I'm simply just anxious now.. If my anxiety gets worse I fear I might do something. I always have ctb idealize but I have made a promise to myself and them to not attempt ctb while im with them.
In my personal opinion I don't think this is an extreme case.. worse shit has happened due to me but if I keep this in, I know my emotional stability will deteriorate faster.
About a month ago I found out I guilt trip them—but, it's truly unintentional. I didn't know that was guilt tripping because I was expressing what I truly thought.
Recently I had a conversation with them about telling them all my thoughts when interacting. (As in anything relevant to the conversation at all.) Even whenever it was negative or not. I'm always anxious to say stuff because what if i hurt them or what if i ruin our relationship.
The last couple days have been a bit rocky because of my own jealousy and insecurity issues.
Today we had another conversation about me saying pointless lies again. I have lied in the past about things that didn't matter, i'm not sure why, i've done it all my life—just small things .. i did it before we even dated. I don't think I'm a pathological liar and I'd hope not, i'd feel as if it makes me less trustable.
They talked about a certain thing they thought I was lying about and I explained why I said it and how I believed it wasn't a lie through my eyes, I apologized and said I would change my wording in the future .. but that wasn't exactly what they were referring to.
There's this person I've been asked to block nearly a month ago because of personal reasons and I did because I'd do anything to make my lover feel comfortable.. though, the blocked person is telling others I'm their bestfriend and even in their screensharing or just video records of the app, I'm always at the top of the message list.?? I feel framed because I genuinely know I didn't lie about this, I know i haven't talked to them. I don't understand how to prove it, they told me to just leave it as is but I showed my conversations and tried to explain but it's useless in my eyes.. who wouldn't believe a live recording over a simple screenshot and a panicked explanation? I hate feeling framed.
I'm worried that they might not talk to me for a couple hours to think or anything. I know people need breaks when stuff like this happens to think but I genuinely cannot last with my lover.. I don't want to go too into detail but I heavily am codependent on them and will do extreme shit when I don't have them. Not to guilt them or anything but because I truly believe I deserve it.
I'm only fine now to explain it because I'm simply just anxious now.. If my anxiety gets worse I fear I might do something. I always have ctb idealize but I have made a promise to myself and them to not attempt ctb while im with them.
