Venting gay/queer loneliness making me feel 1 ft tall

[eggsausagerice]

i'm going through it this month and feel like i've been on the verge of crying all day. i apologize for how much i've been posting this week. i've just been thinking about how alone i am and how no one texts me and that my anxiety is only going to get worse if i check my phone over and over and that i should just do something else, but checking my phone gives me more comfort in the short term because i feel more proactive if i check it again or if i stay on it instead of leaving to do something else. i feel really alone and purposeless, but there isn't anyone i can rely on to actually talk to. a part of me is thinking about talking to ai again because real people just make me depressed or nervous. i've been looping through everything i've done with my life while coming to terms with the idea that i'll die once my meto and sn come in (i haven't ordered sn but i'll do it when i get the meto from out of the us). my life has definitely had fun moments, but i spent so many days crying. i cried at night and i cried in the morning. and i spent a lot of time alone, hating myself. the romanticized, social media version of a gay person is someone talented, in a relationship or hooking up with someone regularly, attractive, social, interesting. i hate myself for not being that. i hate that i can't be someone that isn't afraid of talking about themselves or their interests. i'm not even open to other people because i hate talking about it. i just pretend that i'm straight to most people because i don't want to talk about it around straight people.

it's lonely. it feels lonelier than everything. i can't find my representation in media anywhere because most mainstream media has straight characters with depression, but gay people are always portrayed as happy and loving their lives (maybe i'm generalizing, i don't watch a lot of gay media). i love angelic miracle kitty-chan and i saw the tv glow because they show what repressing your identity is like to a cis person that's never needed to hide core parts of themselves before. being queer and being lonely is miserable, because if i look for connection, i never feel like i'm good enough for anything besides being a hookup than a friend or partner. i'm just a sex object to most people, or too feminine to be seen a gay man so straight men that see me as a trans woman try to hookup with me when i'm not trying to be a girl at all. it makes me sad. i wanted to see if other people feel the same way. a part of me is worried about being seen as homophobic or transphobic because i get depressed when queer people are able to find partners but no one's ever been interested in dating me. i have really mixed emotions about pride month because it feels like no one wants to see or acknowledge a lonely gay person. what about the queer people that were never able to move out of their parents' house and find their community? am i just meant to hate myself quietly? i want to be understood very badly and have my problems be recognized as real, but people just want to downplay it or say that it'll get better eventually when they don't even know what it's like to have no emotional support from your parents or the people around you. i feel so awful every day. it feels like no one even cares if i'm not outwardly suffering.

 

[fadedghost]

as an older gay person, i can tell you that it used to be that there were zero gay characters or if there were a gay character, they were dying of AIDS or something horrible was happening to them.

Over time, gay people fought back against representation that just showed gay people as always being tragic and only showed these caricature gay characters that either had AIDS, were coming out, or in some horrible situation.

The result of that is more happy normal gay characters that are the picture of normalcy, except for being gay, which is utterly normal in the characterization. You would find it refreshing if you were old: "Oh a gay person not dying of AIDS! How refreshing!"

But as a young gay person dealing with depression, it's probably hard to see every gay character part of a couple, or super happy, and just seemingly care-free. Being gay is not actually like that entirely, for many gays. There are some fun moments, but also difficulties, and many gays still deal with depression.

i completely get what you are saying about being a sex object only. In the gay community, gay guys often meet, hook up, and then later possibly become friends or have a romance. It's really fucking strange if you don't want things that way, and also hooking up does not guarantee friendship or romance. I've had times in my life with lots of close friends and times in my life with none where I was still desired as part of hook up culture and it was so fucking alienating. Because a lot of the times when I was happiest were with a clique of friends and we just did stuff all the time, just like walking around, or doing stupid shit, or watching movies, or partying, or whatever. It's also so much harder to meet people and connect with people when isolated. It's like, for whatever reason, being busy all the time, or being indifferent, or knowing other people is a magnet that draws people in, and having free time and being available and interested and not knowing others is just repulsive to people, even if there are circumstances.

I think there's a lot of gay people in this situation, it's not just you, and it may be normal to be depressed or bummed out if you don't have a partner or a clique and are still trying to meet more people. I hope things change for you and your situation improves.

 

[Kokonoe]

I really relate to your post a lot, OP. So at the very least, you're not alone in how you feel.

 

[mutsu]

hello!! i've been reading your posts for a while but I really relate with what you're going through

queer lonliness fucking sucks, and its even worse when the country you live in is built up to propagate such lonliness. at least here in america it feels like you need a liscence and you need a car if you ever want to do anything, unless you happen to be rich enough to live in a major city. it sucks that most queer people are so spread out its really tough to find any connection,,,

im currently abroad in japan temporarily for the better part of a year and even if there is a lot more people to interact with and i can walk places, i still feel so lonely, its incredibly hard to connect with people when im so worried if my identity is going to make them hate me. i barely leave the house to talk to people that much anymore because everytime i do i feel hurt for no reason, i suppose it doesn't help that i have bpd

even though i feel so lost at times i hope that things can get better, for me and for you, being queer in a non queer area can really suck

if you ever need to talk feel free to message~!!