Gay and feel unattractive

[PlathWannaBe]

I am a 34 year old gay man and I've never been in a relationship, even though I've been out for 10 years. I've struggled with feeling unattractive. Over the past 2.5 years, I have lost 40 pounds, toned up a bit of muscle, spent almost 80 hours in therapy, and spent +€16,000 in cosmetic surgery to enhance myself, yet I am still single and feel unattractive. I pretty much never get hit on when I go out. I know partners don't fulfill you, but considering that I've never dated in my life, and my job sucks, and my family is super crazy religious, I have nothing to look forward to in life, despite having really tried hard to help myself improve. I feel unloved and unloveable and I don't want to go through life like this, which made me turn to this site. Are there any other LGBTQ+ people out there, or really just anybody who feels like this? I get so tired of feeling rejected all the time. Was thinking of CTBing over Christmas.

BTW, I really respect the empathy of the people on this board. Thank you for that.

 

[Lefty]

Well I'm not gay myself,no offense or anything, just saying, but I also don't feel super attractive. I have made some progress in my looks, but you can only do so much. You say you never get hit on when you go out. Have you tried online dating? I've found I've had more luck when using online dating.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

I am Pan, and A trans woman. For a long part of my life i was sure i was gay, being into men and still a boy myself.

My issue with transition is i don't feel attractive to anyone. Boy, Girl, NB. I have maybe been single for a year of my life total since i was 15. But i still feel like a grotesque. People hit one me all the time, try and get invites to my house and such. One thing i noticed is that you dont get hit on as a man anywhere near as much as being an attractive woman. With all the effort you are putting in, im sure somebody notices and finds you attractive as well. And if it was me, the effort is what matters more than the outcome. I was always so mad with my wife, we met and were both over 300LB, but i got fit and she went to 400+ 460 last we talked lol.

Objectively, i have always been "Good looking." Before transition i was a 3 piece suit daily kind of person. Went to the gym for a run and a steam every morning, made good money in sales management. And now, while im not good at life, im still objectively pretty hot, and get hit on way way more. like i cant go out without somebody mentioning my hair or my outfit. But even with the increased attention, it actually feels worse. now im always aware people are watching me and judging me (Positive judgement is still judgement)

If you are super shure ity is physical, i reccomend you go to the mall. watch people. Look for couples who are an obvious contradiction in numbers. like a 3 with a 10. Soon you will notice almost all relationships have discrepancies, And love is blind lol.

 

[Lefty]

I am Pan, and A trans woman. For a long part of my life i was sure i was gay, being into men and still a boy myself.

My issue with transition is i don't feel attractive to anyone. Boy, Girl, NB. I have maybe been single for a year of my life total since i was 15. But i still feel like a grotesque. People hit one me all the time, try and get invites to my house and such. One thing i noticed is that you dont get hit on as a man anywhere near as much as being an attractive woman. With all the effort you are putting in, im sure somebody notices and finds you attractive as well. And if it was me, the effort is what matters more than the outcome. I was always so mad with my wife, we met and were both over 300LB, but i got fit and she went to 400+ 460 last we talked lol.

Objectively, i have always been "Good looking." Before transition i was a 3 piece suit daily kind of person. Went to the gym for a run and a steam every morning, made good money in sales management. And now, while im not good at life, im still objectively pretty hot, and get hit on way way more. like i cant go out without somebody mentioning my hair or my outfit. But even with the increased attention, it actually feels worse. now im always aware people are watching me and judging me (Positive judgement is still judgement)

If you are super shure ity is physical, i reccomend you go to the mall. watch people. Look for couples who are an obvious contradiction in numbers. like a 3 with a 10. Soon you will notice almost all relationships have discrepancies, And love is blind lol.

I agree with the last part, love is blind. I remember walking around the mall once and saw this nerdy looking guy like me with a girl who was like a 9/10, and this guy was probably like a 5/10. Also, confidence plays a big role as well.

 

[PlathWannaBe]

Well I'm not gay myself,no offense or anything, just saying, but I also don't feel super attractive. I have made some progress in my looks, but you can only do so much. You say you never get hit on when you go out. Have you tried online dating? I've found I've had more luck when using online dating.

Online dating is pretty rough in the gay world. Usually, we are reduced down even more to just our bodies and of course there's no way to show any personality. Online dating among gays is mainly for hookups.

 

[SlackJim]

I feel the same. I am 25, gay and have never been in a relationship. Not so much that I feel unattractive, although there are a whole bunch of things about my appearance that I am not happy with, I can override that logically, since there are much worse looking people who find love. I don't so much think it is your appearance as your attitude to it. For me I have a overwhelming fear of being intimate, very low self worth (physical and otherwise), fear of commitment. I think I have some degree of body dysmorphia. I also believe happiness should never have to come from another person (and if it does, the relationship will always be built on an unstable, likely codependent foundation), however it is something that I would like to experience. I feel I could contribute a lot to a relationship if I could just get the confidence to put myself into the world. It feels like a big step into vulnerability and I think from a young age I have absorbed some unhealthy attitudes towards relationships from my parents.

I also don't really see how I fit into the LGBT+ community. I don't drink, gay bars make me cringe, as does online dating. I think a person who would suit me, and me them, are very few in this world. Sending love to you, this is difficult

 

[PlathWannaBe]

I agree with the last part, love is blind. I remember walking around the mall once and saw this nerdy looking guy like me with a girl who was like a 9/10, and this guy was probably like a 5/10. Also, confidence plays a big role as well.

Thank you Lefty for being positive. You will occasionally see gay couples like this, but there is so much value placed on aesthetics and looking good that it's hard to keep up, and couples like this are quite the exception.

I feel the same. I am 25, gay and have never been in a relationship. Not so much that I feel unattractive, although there are a whole bunch of things about my appearance that I am not happy with, I can override that logically, since there are much worse looking people who find love. I don't so much think it is your appearance as your attitude to it. For me I have a overwhelming fear of being intimate, very low self worth (physical and otherwise), fear of commitment. I think I have some degree of body dysmorphia. I also believe happiness should never have to come from another person (and if it does, the relationship will always be built on an unstable, likely codependent foundation), however it is something that I would like to experience. I feel I could contribute a lot to a relationship if I could just get the confidence to put myself into the world. It feels like a big step into vulnerability and I think from a young age I have absorbed some unhealthy attitudes towards relationships from my parents.

I also don't really see how I fit into the LGBT+ community. I don't drink, gay bars make me cringe, as does online dating. I think a person who would suit me, and me them, are very few in this world. Sending love to you, this is difficult

You are totally right about looking for happiness within and not looking for external validation. I understand that on a logical level, but it gets lost in transit to my emotions. I have always been independent and don't rely on any one person. Maybe if other things in my life were going better like if i enjoyed my job or felt like I was making a difference, then I probably wouldn't feel so lonely. I figured out with my therapist that I exist somewhere on the spectrum of body dysmorphia, but not as an extreme case (not housebound, etc). My formative years as a child and teen were pretty rough and have also left me with low self worth and general self loathing. The only thing keeping me alive are my friends.

I am Pan, and A trans woman. For a long part of my life i was sure i was gay, being into men and still a boy myself.

My issue with transition is i don't feel attractive to anyone. Boy, Girl, NB. I have maybe been single for a year of my life total since i was 15. But i still feel like a grotesque. People hit one me all the time, try and get invites to my house and such. One thing i noticed is that you dont get hit on as a man anywhere near as much as being an attractive woman. With all the effort you are putting in, im sure somebody notices and finds you attractive as well. And if it was me, the effort is what matters more than the outcome. I was always so mad with my wife, we met and were both over 300LB, but i got fit and she went to 400+ 460 last we talked lol.

Objectively, i have always been "Good looking." Before transition i was a 3 piece suit daily kind of person. Went to the gym for a run and a steam every morning, made good money in sales management. And now, while im not good at life, im still objectively pretty hot, and get hit on way way more. like i cant go out without somebody mentioning my hair or my outfit. But even with the increased attention, it actually feels worse. now im always aware people are watching me and judging me (Positive judgement is still judgement)

If you are super shure ity is physical, i reccomend you go to the mall. watch people. Look for couples who are an obvious contradiction in numbers. like a 3 with a 10. Soon you will notice almost all relationships have discrepancies, And love is blind lol.

I'm a bit confused. It sounds like you are attractive, but you don't feel attractive, and so this is what's making you sad? Like Body Dysmorphia?

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

Thank you Lefty for being positive. You will occasionally see gay couples like this, but there is so much value placed on aesthetics and looking good that it's hard to keep up, and couples like this are quite the exception.

You are totally right about looking for happiness within and not looking for external validation. I understand that on a logical level, but it gets lost in transit to my emotions. I have always been independent and don't rely on any one person. Maybe if other things in my life were going better like if i enjoyed my job or felt like I was making a difference, then I probably wouldn't feel so lonely. I figured out with my therapist that I exist somewhere on the spectrum of body dysmorphia, but not as an extreme case (not housebound, etc). My formative years as a child and teen were pretty rough and have also left me with low self worth and general self loathing. The only thing keeping me alive are my friends.

I'm a bit confused. It sounds like you are attractive, but you don't feel attractive, and so this is what's making you sad? Like Body Dysmorphia?

Sorry. i didn't explain much. I don't feel attractive to men, i have the wrong body shape and type. I don't think women like me, i have the wrong body again. Woman with a penis. So i cant believe i am attractive to anyone. Even though i am objectively or people wouldn't say it. I dunno. But moral of the story is the feeling of being unattractive isn't necessarily true, there is always somebody who will think you are a 10.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Toko Fukawa says it best, "I'm not ugly. I'm just way below average."

 

[azucaramargo]

I am a 34 year old gay man and I've never been in a relationship, even though I've been out for 10 years. I've struggled with feeling unattractive. Over the past 2.5 years, I have lost 40 pounds, toned up a bit of muscle, spent almost 80 hours in therapy, and spent +€16,000 in cosmetic surgery to enhance myself, yet I am still single and feel unattractive. I pretty much never get hit on when I go out. I know partners don't fulfill you, but considering that I've never dated in my life, and my job sucks, and my family is super crazy religious, I have nothing to look forward to in life, despite having really tried hard to help myself improve. I feel unloved and unloveable and I don't want to go through life like this, which made me turn to this site. Are there any other LGBTQ+ people out there, or really just anybody who feels like this? I get so tired of feeling rejected all the time. Was thinking of CTBing over Christmas.

BTW, I really respect the empathy of the people on this board. Thank you for that.

Congrats on all the self-improvement! Your job can't be that bad if you've managed to save up the kind of money you have. I wish you were feeling better.

 

[Atticus]

I am a 34 year old gay man and I've never been in a relationship, even though I've been out for 10 years. I've struggled with feeling unattractive. Over the past 2.5 years, I have lost 40 pounds, toned up a bit of muscle, spent almost 80 hours in therapy, and spent +€16,000 in cosmetic surgery to enhance myself, yet I am still single and feel unattractive. I pretty much never get hit on when I go out. I know partners don't fulfill you, but considering that I've never dated in my life, and my job sucks, and my family is super crazy religious, I have nothing to look forward to in life, despite having really tried hard to help myself improve. I feel unloved and unloveable and I don't want to go through life like this, which made me turn to this site. Are there any other LGBTQ+ people out there, or really just anybody who feels like this? I get so tired of feeling rejected all the time. Was thinking of CTBing over Christmas.

BTW, I really respect the empathy of the people on this board. Thank you for that.

wish you all the best, mate!

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

I feel unloved and unloveable and I don't want to go through life like this

I just wanted to acknowledge how fucking fraught, overwhelming, and distressing it can be to be gay and having to deal with conforming to all the aesthetic bullshit. I'm sorry it's affecting you so negatively.

I'm 45 and I am distracted by the fuckton of other messy stuff in my life so this isn't on my radar, and I am thankful for that, because I have a lot of issues around my appearance and how attractive I am to others and would have a shit time trying to navigate all the bullshit.

Although, I suppose, the loneliness and isolation I feel is indirectly related to this. If I had intimate relationships that nurtured me and allowed me to nurture others, maybe it would lessen my need to ctb.

 

[kkatt]

I am a 34 year old gay man and I've never been in a relationship, even though I've been out for 10 years. I've struggled with feeling unattractive. Over the past 2.5 years, I have lost 40 pounds, toned up a bit of muscle, spent almost 80 hours in therapy, and spent +€16,000 in cosmetic surgery to enhance myself, yet I am still single and feel unattractive. I pretty much never get hit on when I go out. I know partners don't fulfill you, but considering that I've never dated in my life, and my job sucks, and my family is super crazy religious, I have nothing to look forward to in life, despite having really tried hard to help myself improve. I feel unloved and unloveable and I don't want to go through life like this, which made me turn to this site. Are there any other LGBTQ+ people out there, or really just anybody who feels like this? I get so tired of feeling rejected all the time. Was thinking of CTBing over Christmas.

BTW, I really respect the empathy of the people on this board. Thank you for that.

When I was a teen,my mum said that if you have confidence,you can look good wearing a black bin bag. Confidence is everything

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

When I was a teen,my mum said that if you have confidence,you can look good wearing a black bin bag. Confidence is everything

This is like telling somebody, "Just think positive!"

It's an empty platitude.

 

[kkatt]

This is like telling somebody, "Just think positive!"

It's an empty platitude.

I would agree,but spending several years in and out of hospital with anorexia,I realised,what I actually look like means very little

 

[Winniethepooh]

I'm gay too(a woman), 31 years old and I've never had a partner either. It seems I am always crushing on someone but it never leads to anything.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I am a 34 year old gay man and I've never been in a relationship, even though I've been out for 10 years. I've struggled with feeling unattractive. Over the past 2.5 years, I have lost 40 pounds, toned up a bit of muscle, spent almost 80 hours in therapy, and spent +€16,000 in cosmetic surgery to enhance myself, yet I am still single and feel unattractive. I pretty much never get hit on when I go out. I know partners don't fulfill you, but considering that I've never dated in my life, and my job sucks, and my family is super crazy religious, I have nothing to look forward to in life, despite having really tried hard to help myself improve. I feel unloved and unloveable and I don't want to go through life like this, which made me turn to this site. Are there any other LGBTQ+ people out there, or really just anybody who feels like this? I get so tired of feeling rejected all the time. Was thinking of CTBing over Christmas.

BTW, I really respect the empathy of the people on this board. Thank you for that.

I'm straight but don't spend anymore money on plastic surgery. I'm not against it but you got it to make yourself feel better and that hasnt worked. I think a lot of work needs to come from the inside. Best of luck.

 

[mathieu]

I'm gay and also hate how I look. I also feel really old even though I'm 29. Feel like life is over.

 

[brain problems]

I feel you, bro. Kinda in the same boat, never been in a relationship, feel too self-conscious to even try get a date. I don't have any useful advice, but here's to hoping things eventually work out for all of us lonely people

 

[Francois]

There is an epidemic of loneliness all across the world.
I am a single man in my forties that basically realised I have to be my own best friend.
I have to find value and enjoyment in life without having a partner.
(My GF of 5 years broke up with me because she could not convert me to Christianity. (I am agnostic.) )

Finding purpose in life should not be a hard thing to do because your life does not need a purpose to be valuable.
You don't need to attain that car, job, degree to feel you are valuable.
Me personally, I am just trying to chill these days. (Playing video games, reading, TV, movies, docu's, studying infotainment.)
I have a few small goals, nothing big, nothing that requires me to put in thousands of hours of joyless work.
My mother always told me I should just BE and that is what I am trying.

Though, you can find that partner. If you are in a right space you can join Tinder for example.
(Living healthy is really a great goal, but you should never feel you have to wow people by your looks. You want a partner that like you for who you are, for what kind of person you are, not your appearance.)

 

[letmeseethedeath]

I am a 34 year old gay man and I've never been in a relationship, even though I've been out for 10 years. I've struggled with feeling unattractive. Over the past 2.5 years, I have lost 40 pounds, toned up a bit of muscle, spent almost 80 hours in therapy, and spent +€16,000 in cosmetic surgery to enhance myself, yet I am still single and feel unattractive. I pretty much never get hit on when I go out. I know partners don't fulfill you, but considering that I've never dated in my life, and my job sucks, and my family is super crazy religious, I have nothing to look forward to in life, despite having really tried hard to help myself improve. I feel unloved and unloveable and I don't want to go through life like this, which made me turn to this site. Are there any other LGBTQ+ people out there, or really just anybody who feels like this? I get so tired of feeling rejected all the time. Was thinking of CTBing over Christmas.

BTW, I really respect the empathy of the people on this board. Thank you for that.

me. i'm lgbt

 

[kkatt]

There is an epidemic of loneliness all across the world.
I am a single man in my forties that basically realised I have to be my own best friend.
I have to find value and enjoyment in life without having a partner.
(My GF of 5 years broke up with me because she could not convert me to Christianity. (I am agnostic.) )

Finding purpose in life should not be a hard thing to do because your life does not need a purpose to be valuable.
You don't need to attain that car, job, degree to feel you are valuable.
Me personally, I am just trying to chill these days. (Playing video games, reading, TV, movies, docu's, studying infotainment.)
I have a few small goals, nothing big, nothing that requires me to put in thousands of hours of joyless work.
My mother always told me I should just BE and that is what I am trying.

Though, you can find that partner. If you are in a right space you can join Tinder for example.
(Living healthy is really a great goal, but you should never feel you have to wow people by your looks. You want a partner that like you for who you are, for what kind of person you are, not your appearance.)

Any partner that spends 5 years trying to change who you are is defi8nitely not the right person for you. It's just a shame it took so long to realise. If someone doesn't accept you for who you are,they really aren't worth it. A relatio0nship is supposed to make you happy.
I was interested in you mentioning this "epidemic of loeliness". I've been looking into it and governments worldwide are establishing organisations to try and combat the problem. But anyone who is feeling this way needs to know,you are very FAR from alone.

 

[Azizw126]

I'm gay too and i have the same feelings about my appearance. One of my old friends got married to a good looking bodybuilder last year even though he is extremely below the average. Gay dating apps have made me sceptical about mankind. It's all about physical appearance nothing more and unfortunately the culture of our gay community is very shallow, this is a fact. I'm 36 and still single so you are not alone buddy. I'm going to participate in some of the LGBTQ activities in community center by the end of the month hopefully i will find Mr right
Don't underestimate your self because you are marvelous, unique and there is someone waiting for you in this world and the time will come eventually.
Peace