gaslighting myself A LOT

[dinosavr]

Long story short, for about 10 years now I've been struggling with personality disorders which led me into major depressive episode towards the end of last year that made me actively suicidal. I started taking my first ssri meds in September, I had them changed 5 times and currently I'm on a mixture of 3 antidepressants that seem to work quite well together. I sleep well, I eat well, I have more energy than I used to, I'm less anxious, etc. But somehow I'm not at all less suicidal. Not at all!!
And I have no idea what I should tell my doctor during our appointment this week. "Hi, so, your medication is finally working, but I'm still going to kill myself lol fuck you"?
If I actually tell her that's almost the only symptom that's left, won't she accuse me of lying or exaggerating?
In fact, it got to the point where I don't even believe myself anymore.
I mean I know I absolutely 100% would like to die but am I sure it's not just being attention seeking lazy piece of garbage who's making a fool out of herself? It's one of the symptoms that you cannot measure in any way. It's either expressed by me or else no one knows about it. How do I tell if it's real or if I just made myself delusional enough to believe it is? Everyone is struggling with life and I do too and maybe that is it? Maybe there is no suicidal ideation, I'm just labeling it that way because it gets me attention and compassion?

Do you have any thoughts? Ideas? Feel free to share!

 

[todiefor]

I think having felt this way for so long, it is difficult to break out of a thought pattern you are used to, even if the meds are working. I think the lure of ctb ideation is very powerful, because life is just difficult even if it is better, and it's certainly a way of escaping and not having to deal with things, because you can always tell yourself that you can just die.

I think typically people take meds, and once they are starting to work well therapy could help the thought processes etc, especially with personality disorders.

This is going to sound cliched but perhaps with time and therapy and focusing on persuing things that interest you / make you happy, working on goals that give you meaning and surrounding yourself with people that care about you and accept you as who you are, over time it may help you feel like life can be livable again. Of course only you know and can decide if you want to keep going .

In terms of whether it is real? Yeah if it's real to you then it is real. I don't think a good therapist or anyone really has the right to accuse you of lying. Ultimately pretending a problem isn't there doesn't solve anything.

 

[Ash]

If you want support - and the right support, for that matter - then it's important to be absolutely honest about what you're experiencing and how it affects you. And hopefully your doctor isn't as dismissive as you fear, certainly not to the point of accusing you of lying. Maybe keep a mood diary or journal before your next appointment to help explain things?