Story Game over- Why I want CTB (SN) and what still holds me

[Gregorius]

Hello, I'm the new one here, =)

(I would like to apologize in advance for my English translated by Google. I haven't been able to go to school since I was 13.)

Why did I register here? I have already read a lot here as a guest and find it particularly good how understanding people are here. The topic CTB is kept secret in Germany and all noteworthy forums that deal with this topic are censored
Briefly to me: I am a Netflix junky and confident smoker.

I have chronic borderline and depression, I no longer say that I suffer from it. I have reached a point in my life where there is just acceptance. A point where I know the game is over. You know what i mean?

I have five years of unsuccessful therapy experience. Sometimes open stations and closed. Already swallowed more than 10 types of antidepressants (and whatever the garbage is called). Nothing worked and I feel every day how my mind breaks more and more. My mother is sick and if she doesn't die from Corona it will happen anyway in the next few years. For me this means that if she dies, I'm homeless. Because of my illness I was never able to graduate from school, let alone go to work soon. But I want that too not more.

I accepted that if I stay alive a worse fate awaits me than if I am dead, so I want to go with a laugh.
The only thing that delays my CTB is my girlfriend, but I think if the happy people go out in summer she'll find something better.

Oh yes....I ordered SN yesterday. Once from Amazon and from an online laboratory trade in Germany to be on the safe side. I thank everyone who read my text and I hope to be accepted

Love,
Gregorius

 

[Valsalva]

At least I accept you. This is a good place here to talk a little and meet others without prejudice.

Take care and best wishes!

 

[LMLN]

You are accepted here. I'm sorry life has brought you to this place. We understand and are here to listen.

 

[faust]

Hello,
First of all, I would like to thank you for your openness and that you found strength to tell us about your problem!
I am sorry you are experiencing these troubles in your life.
Trying lots of medication and seeing no difference is definitely very discouraging.
May become homeless too if I do not CTB this summer, so I know what you mean. Having mental health problems and living on the street is not an option.
I apologize, may be I misunderstood, but is it the medication that makes your mental health worse or it deteriorates itself?
Hope you find your peace no matter what your decision is.
If you need us, feel free to talk

 

[Gregorius]

Thank you for all the nice answers that mean a lot to me. @faust That you feel the same is not nice, yes homelessness is simply not an option. Unfortunately it is not in the medication for me, it would be nice if i could just stop taking it, you know.

 

[LifeIntolerance]

Welcome to the community.

I will thank you too for your openness and wish you in your life the best!

 

[Gregorius]

I war so glücklich über die Post. Denken Sie, 98% sind genug?

 

[Tasdevil]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Nichtnamenlos]

Hey Gregorius,
Sorry to hear that life has put you in such a dark place, we will be here to support you, no matter which decision you take :)
Just like you i have joined this forum today, am a fellow german and have decided on SN as my way out.
May i ask if you are using an antiemetic next to SN, and if so how you got your Hands on it? Cause I just cant seem to get any.

Hallo Gregorius,
es tut mir Leid zu hören wie hart Leben zu dir war und dass du anscheinend keinen anderen Ausweg mehr siehst. Aber wir sind hier und helfen dir bis zum bitteren Ende, egal wie du dich entscheidest weiter zu leben, oder genau das eben nicht zu machen.
Darf ich fragen ob du Mittel gegen Brechreiz, ganz speziell braucht es ja für SN Dopamin-Antagonisten, verwendest und wenn ja wie du an sie rangekommen bist?

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry that life has been horrible for you and I'm glad that you found some relief in having a reliable means to exit this existence. I hope you are able to have a peaceful and smooth time in your remaining days ahead. I wish you peace as well as your girlfriend.

 

[Gregorius]

Hey @Nichtnamenlos nice to meet a countryman here. So far, SN was only one item on my to do list. Otherwise I unfortunately have no more medication. But think it's not too difficult.Do you have any other experience?

I will also get benzos from the doctor with the indication of panic attacks. Isn't even a lie lol. So that I fall asleep like a baby when SN works. But still need a lot of information, I only heard about the SN method a week ago and wanted to jump in front of the train beforehand

 

[Nichtnamenlos]

Im not much further ahead of you, my SN arrived today and i am currently contemplating if i should even use anything else.
Because even though Antiemetics are highly recommended i dont think ill manage getting. Maybe you have more luck, but i have desperatly tried getting Antiemetics without ordering them online and had no success.
Your Plan with Benzos sounds pretty good, i think i am gonna get myself some as well :)
Not to encourage your plan to commit suicide, but i am glad to hear you are giving SN a shot. Jumping in front of the train is definetly a guaranteed, foolproof death, but probably gives the guy driving the train, who never hurt you in any way, a lifelong Trauma. Which just isnt fair.

Dann sind wir fast in der selben Situation, mein SN ist heute angekommen(99.9% iges) und jetzt überlege ich eigentlich nur noch ob ich zusätzliche empfohlene Mittel wie eben Antiemetika oder Schlaftabletten nehmen soll. Antiemetika erhöhen die Chance das du letztendlich stirbst halt schon drastisch, aber ich habe nach ausgibiger Suche keine Möglichkeit Rezeptfrei an welche zu kommen, außer durch verdächtige Websites.
Benzos sind ein guter Plan, an die kommt man echt leicht ran und mit ihnen sollte man ca. 10 Minuten nach der SN Einnahme aus den Latschen kippen. Danke für die Erinnerung :)
Und ich glaube mit SN bist du auf einem besseren Weg als Züge küssen, du schläfst entspannt mit bisschen Kopfweh ein und hinterlässt eine friedliche, leicht schlumpfgefärbte Leiche. So kannst du es für alle Beteiligten im Falle, dass du irgendwann gehst, sehr viel angenehmer machen :)

Do you prefer answers in English and/or German?

 

[Alec]

Of course you are accepted!!! Welcome!;) You sound like a beautiful soul!❤ I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I think I have accepted that there isn't going to be anything better for me in my life if I stay alive too. I see that dying is the better option for me. I hope you don't feel too lonely, because I'm thinking about you and I'm with you! I love you❤ And I hope you have a good day or as good as it can be for us. And I hope your SN comes without problems!

 

[Gregorius]

Im not much further ahead of you, my SN arrived today and i am currently contemplating if i should even use anything else.
Because even though Antiemetics are highly recommended i dont think ill manage getting. Maybe you have more luck, but i have desperatly tried getting Antiemetics without ordering them online and had no success.
Your Plan with Benzos sounds pretty good, i think i am gonna get myself some as well :)
Not to encourage your plan to commit suicide, but i am glad to hear you are giving SN a shot. Jumping in front of the train is definetly a guaranteed, foolproof death, but probably gives the guy driving the train, who never hurt you in any way, a lifelong Trauma. Which just isnt fair.

Dann sind wir fast in der selben Situation, mein SN ist heute angekommen(99.9% iges) und jetzt überlege ich eigentlich nur noch ob ich zusätzliche empfohlene Mittel wie eben Antiemetika oder Schlaftabletten nehmen soll. Antiemetika erhöhen die Chance das du letztendlich stirbst halt schon drastisch, aber ich habe nach ausgibiger Suche keine Möglichkeit Rezeptfrei an welche zu kommen, außer durch verdächtige Websites.
Benzos sind ein guter Plan, an die kommt man echt leicht ran und mit ihnen sollte man ca. 10 Minuten nach der SN Einnahme aus den Latschen kippen. Danke für die Erinnerung :)
Und ich glaube mit SN bist du auf einem besseren Weg als Züge küssen, du schläfst entspannt mit bisschen Kopfweh ein und hinterlässt eine friedliche, leicht schlumpfgefärbte Leiche. So kannst du es für alle Beteiligten im Falle, dass du irgendwann gehst, sehr viel angenehmer machen :)

Do you prefer answers in English and/or German?

I wish you the best of luck buddy, I even think it is quite good to have to get all the medication. It challenges me and gives meaning to my life because meaning to end it soon, how ironic.

Would never come up with the idea to jump in front of a train, have enough information for a humane death. Unfortunately I had to search for a long time to get it because of the censorship. Wish you a peaceful Wednesday.
(Here in the public thread I would say that we write english.=)

 

[Skyview]

Hello and welcome Gregorius I do hope everything works out for you in whatever you decide to do .
Many good people within the forum will help and answer any questions you may have .
Take care of yourself

 

[Gregorius]

Of course you are accepted!!! Welcome!;) You sound like a beautiful soul!❤ I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I think I have accepted that there isn't going to be anything better for me in my life if I stay alive too. I see that dying is the better option for me. I hope you don't feel too lonely, because I'm thinking about you and I'm with you! I love you❤ And I hope you have a good day or as good as it can be for us. And I hope your SN comes without problems!

Thanks for your friendly words.

A cancer-sick friend of mine told me two weeks before his CTB "It is better to die laughing than to live with tears".
Now I know what he meant by that. If he had stayed alive (the doctors gave him three years) it would be years of agony years of slow death.

I have to say honestly, since I have decided 100% for ctb in the future, I feel much better many fears and doubts are gone. It was a long way for this decision

 

[jimbob1000]

welcome Gregorius, good luck my friend

 

[Lostandfound7]

You ARE accepted sweetie!..tho, I wish it were a different type of club.

I also wish there was something that I could say or do to alleviate ur pain...What I can say, is that u r not alone. We r here for u.