Discussion Full time employment while suicidal

[Jumper]

Is anyone employed full time in a demanding job? How are you coping?

 

[Wayfaerer]

Not employed but a full-time student. Not well at all.

 

[wendydong1]

Me. Not holding well at all... And I am doing a lot of things trying to shame my scammer

 

[Partial-Elf]

I have a job that demands most of my energy for the entire work day. During that time I'm generally busy enough that I'm like a wind up toy that just goes. Suicidal thoughts are always there even while I'm buzzing around. When I get a moment of down time it's always what I think about. In a way working really hard helps me depersonalize and focus on other things.

Coming home I have nothing left and melt into a suicidal puddle in bed after eating something. I listen to Elliott Smith and charge up enough to put out a another big burst of energy at work the next day.

I'm trying to figure out how to change careers as I think the nature of this job contributes to my mental health issues.

 

[justanotherday]

Is anyone employed full time in a demanding job? How are you coping?

 

[wendydong1]

And my company blocks this website. Have to browse on my phone using cell.data

 

[justanotherday]

Yes, and it is my trigger to try and hold down a job. For some reason working triggers my anxiety, plus I have ADD and get bored easily. My job is a crappy , boring job to begin with. I am trying really hard not to quit, simply because I need the income. I HATE going to that boring job. It just kills me and fills me with dread.

 

[SelfHatingAspie]

Is anyone employed full time in a demanding job? How are you coping?

I was, and I sort of coped until I didn't.

I worked in a corporate environment for many years in what is known as "knowledge work", with around 5 of my last 10 years in management positions. It was challenging and mentally stimulating work, but work that can only be effectively undertaken with a healthy mind. I used a relocation a couple of years back as an excuse to get demoted to a role that was less complicated (i.e. no people management or report writing required along with less pressure to deal with people), but the work load in this role and the hours I was still putting in (50+ per week) kept eating away.

Earlier this year I was forced to take sick leave as my coping mechanisms weren't ideal (i.e. taking regular naps during the day in the disabled bathroom, taking 12 hours a day to barely manage 8 hours worth of work, not turning up to staff meetings etc). Whilst on leave, my position was made redundant due to a departmental restructure. I wasn't specifically targeted, as my department lost around 10 positions as a result, but I feel that I may have been offered a transfer to another department if I was healthy at the time.

In some ways my redundancy was a positive outcome, as I received a package (i.e. a lump sum based on years of service as compensation for my employer no longer being able to employ me ... I don't think they have those in America).

I'm currently on what's called income protection insurance, which is a type of disability policy that goes far beyond what the Government would pay as a sickness benefit. My previous employer was paying the premium on it until I was made redundant, but it now remains active as the premium is being taken from my superannuation (i.e. Australian equivalent to a 401K). Prior to my employer supplying this policy, I had my own that I was paying for out of my salary.

The hard part is that I probably should look for another position, but if I struggle to go to the supermarket without feeling slightly anxious then I'd hate to imagine what would happen in a job interview situation. If I can't snap out of this within the next 12 months or so, then there's a good chance that my doctors may diagnose me as being permanently disabled.

Whilst it sounds great that I'm being looked after whilst I'm working through my health issues, I'd much rather have a healthy neurotypical mind and the occasional bit of financial stress than being a broken aspie that happened to have enough foresight to thoroughly insure himself (although I'll admit I was originally thinking along the lines of cancer or a stroke triggering a claim when I took the policies out).

 

[letmeseethedeath]

i was a full time student and suicidal. i had to leave university so now i'm a full time suicidal

 

[Revan16]

Full time, global financial services firm. Autopilot. The only time i don't think about ctb is when i'm super focused on work. Problem is, i can't stay focused for more than 30mins now.

And the one way to cope is that i have a great boss, don't want to disappoint him.