full of bad things

[VigilanteWithViolin]

I have been self-isolating for the last 1.5 months. I mean, I hardly leave the house, not even my room. I hardly communicate with my mother (she is the only one from the family with whom I can somehow talk), I go out to the park for solitary walks only to smoke (I can't smoke in the house, my family doesn't know i smoke). It's difficult for me to communicate with people, because opening my mouth and making a sound seems painful. It seems to me that 80-90% of people cause me some kind of disgust or contempt, so I stopped communicating with my past buddies and friends, I deleted myself from all social networks, but I came here. I only communicate with myself or with artificial intelligence. Almost everything that people say makes me angry or disgusted - there are so many cruel things in their words: sexism, racism, homophobia, lookism, condemnation of suicide, abortion, sex, diet, etc. In everything that people say, I find some of these things, and these are triggers for me. My mood immediately deteriorates and I withdraw into myself. I don't mind being alone, I've spent most of my life in seclusion, I'm introverted and uncommunicative, but I'm angry and saddened by the fact that many people (in my opinion) are ignorant and terribly opposed to women, other nationalities, different orientations, non-standard appearance, etc. I have so much anger that I spend a lot of time fantasizing about how all those people I consider bad die or how I kill them. I don't take any medications, I don't go to therapy. Sometimes I feel like I'm isolating myself to make it easier for me to leave. In short, it's very difficult, so I'm talking it out here.