XdragonsoulX
Vengeance Incarnate
- Apr 13, 2022
- 163
I fucked up everything :( they hate me. They basically told me they don't want to be with me anymore. I knew I wouldn't make it to October. I need to end it tonight
Hey frend, please don't make life or death choices hastily. Life is long and you meet a lot of interesting people on the way, in places you don't think of.
Pale_Rider
Enlightened
- Apr 21, 2025
- 1,034
XdragonsoulX
Vengeance Incarnate
- Apr 13, 2022
- 163
I've given plenty of chances. I only had until October 16th 2025 to get it together otherwise that was it for me. And unfortunately my mental state can't last until then even tho that was supposed to be the day I do it. My partner took my phone last night so I didn't get to leave and do what I need to do. They told me they can't have someone emotional that I'm too sad for them. It was never enough all the time and effort I put into this relationship. All the hours of therapy only for my therapist to give up on me as well. I'm honestly so surprised my partner didn't call the hospital on me last night. Regardless I have no choice left. I'd rather die than to see them walk away entirely. So here soon that's what I'm doing. I can't keep living a life where people always leave me. And the one time I felt a spark like no other from someone who still made me happy enough to choose life even with the rough parts. I'm still just not enough. Or I'm too much. Life is too meaningless without my partner. Too dull. I've literally put everything into this relationship only for it to fall apart. I barely talk to anyone. So there's nobody left to care.
-Link-
Member
- Aug 25, 2018
- 682
I remember you from some time ago when you were looking at just starting DBT with a BPD diagnosis(?) Are there some things you learned along the way, as far as insights and techniques, that could help you get through this? Not so much to "get through the whole of this" but to "get through today" or even to "just survive right now"?
Personally, when I'm in crisis, sometimes I'm too overwhelmed to even remember I have coping strategies to fall back on.
So a few options you might already be familiar with: Distress Tolerance (self-soothing, distractions, temperature shock, paced breathing, progressive muscle relaxation), Mindfulness (noticing feelings without judgement, naming the emotions, urges vs action/inaction), Radical Acceptance (accepting the relationship status as fact without necessarily approving of it), Wise Mind (reasonable/emotional, what would your wise mind say right now), Interpersonal Effectiveness (your partner said "you're too emotional and sad", but these words stem from their own limitations rather than anything that defines who you are as a person).
Another angle to consider: BPD sufferers can sometimes form extreme attachments to partners, where the partner becomes a sort-of 'life anchor' for them. But when such a relationship is lost and that 'anchor' gets pulled away, the feelings of loss are so intense that it feels as if they've lost their entire world. The result, an indescribable level of emotional pain. This feeling is real, but it's also a product of the intensity of the attachment.
From that perspective, what you're feeling right now might be due in part to a reaction within your central nervous system, not necessarily an indicator that you can't survive without this person. Right now, the pain feels unbearable and as if there's no coming back from it. But the intensity will not always stay this high.
These are just thoughts as far as reducing your suffering in the moment. They won't be curative, but any DBT skills you learned along the way are meant especially for these crisis moments.
The vibe I get from you now is the same vibe I got from you back when you mentioned DBT and your BPD diagnosis. It's a vibe of strength, and I do believe your strength will help get you through this, even if it feels impossible right now.
Personally, when I'm in crisis, sometimes I'm too overwhelmed to even remember I have coping strategies to fall back on.
So a few options you might already be familiar with: Distress Tolerance (self-soothing, distractions, temperature shock, paced breathing, progressive muscle relaxation), Mindfulness (noticing feelings without judgement, naming the emotions, urges vs action/inaction), Radical Acceptance (accepting the relationship status as fact without necessarily approving of it), Wise Mind (reasonable/emotional, what would your wise mind say right now), Interpersonal Effectiveness (your partner said "you're too emotional and sad", but these words stem from their own limitations rather than anything that defines who you are as a person).
Another angle to consider: BPD sufferers can sometimes form extreme attachments to partners, where the partner becomes a sort-of 'life anchor' for them. But when such a relationship is lost and that 'anchor' gets pulled away, the feelings of loss are so intense that it feels as if they've lost their entire world. The result, an indescribable level of emotional pain. This feeling is real, but it's also a product of the intensity of the attachment.
From that perspective, what you're feeling right now might be due in part to a reaction within your central nervous system, not necessarily an indicator that you can't survive without this person. Right now, the pain feels unbearable and as if there's no coming back from it. But the intensity will not always stay this high.
These are just thoughts as far as reducing your suffering in the moment. They won't be curative, but any DBT skills you learned along the way are meant especially for these crisis moments.
The vibe I get from you now is the same vibe I got from you back when you mentioned DBT and your BPD diagnosis. It's a vibe of strength, and I do believe your strength will help get you through this, even if it feels impossible right now.
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XdragonsoulX
Vengeance Incarnate
- Apr 13, 2022
- 163
I've been distracting myself with work today, I'm not sure how else to distract myself at home when my head runs free. I never got to learn the dbt skills I was trying to learn then bc the therapist stopped seeing me. Lately I just feel all I do is delay the inevitable.
-Link-
Member
- Aug 25, 2018
- 682
It is of course a failure on their part that they didn't have you go through a DBT program at that time. While a guided therapy environment (be it one-on-one or in group format) is generally the most effective way to learn its coping skills, it's technically not necessary. All DBT actually is, is a set of coping skills meant to help improve emotional dysregulation, and there are resources available online as far as self-guided DBT. Not as ideal as professionally-guided, but still with potential to help.
These are a few (of numerous) techniques from DBT that could be applied in any crisis situation, including this one.
(Links go to a DBT resource website, dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com.)
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WISE MIND
This is about states of mind. There is the Reasonable Mind (focus is on just the facts, what's objectively observable, rationalization, overanalysis), the Emotional Mind (thoughts are guided by feelings rather than facts, eg. fear, loneliness, guilt), and then there is the Wise Mind (a balance between the Reasonable Mind and Emotional Mind).
To use an analogy, if you envision a person standing upright, say they lean backwards (drift into their Reasonable Mind) or they lean forwards (drift into their Emotional Mind). If they lean either backwards or forwards too far or for too long a time, they're going to fall over to the ground. The Wise Mind would have you keep balanced between the two, to keep yourself from falling over.
Suicidality in response to a (potential?) break-up would be happening deep in the Emotional Mind, and the 'Wise Mind' technique could help reorient yourself into a more balanced state of mind.
More reading on Wise Mind: https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/mindfulness/wise-mind/
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RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
Radical Acceptance would have you accept that the pain has happened and that there's nothing to be done about it. (Yes, it's kinda blunt.)
Pain is the source of suffering. Suffering is holding onto the pain.
"It is what it is. Now I move forward."
"That was then. This is now."
To accept a situation is not the same as judging it as being good. It's just about acknowledging what is, and putting something in place to control your reaction and manage your emotions as you move forward.
More reading on Radical Acceptance: https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/distress-tolerance/radical-acceptance/
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SELF SOOTHING
Sooth the five senses as a means of distress tolerance...
Vision: look at nature around you, go to a museum, browse an art gallery, go out at night and watch the stars, browse pictures of scenic Earth, etc.
Hearing: listen to soothing music, listen to the sounds of nature (eg. rustling leaves, chirping birds, rainfall, waves), play an instrument, etc.
Smell: light a scented candle, boil cinnamon, walk in a wooded area and breathe in the freshness of nature, brew a pot of coffee, etc.
Taste: have a favourite drink or meal, treat yourself to dessert, chew gum, etc.
Touch: take a bath, pet your dog or cat, use a weighted blanket, put on silk clothes, get a massage, etc.
More reading on Self Soothing: https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/distress-tolerance/self-soothing/
Distractions can take many different forms. DBT uses the acronym "ACCEPTS":
Activities: exercise, hobbies, cleaning, attending an event, visiting a friend, gaming, walking, go out to dinner, read, watch sports, etc.
Contributing: offer to help someone, volunteer for a cause, give a gift, do something nice for someone, offer to be someone's listening ear, etc.
Comparisons: compare yourself to where you were during a time when you were coping less-well than you are today.
(Opposite) Emotions: do something that triggers the opposite of what you're feeling (eg. read a joke book, watch a comedy or a horror movie or a light-hearted animation).
Pushing Away: leave the situation mentally, envision a wall between yourself and the situation, write it down and put it away, treat ruminating thoughts as spam and tell yourself it doesn't belong in your 'mental inbox'. Create a mental block in between you and the situation.
(Other) Thoughts: occupy your mind with other thoughts, count backwards from 100, play a word game, name a country for every letter of the alphabet, count as high as you can in prime numbers. (As long as your mind is engaged like this, you can't entertain those painful thoughts.)
Sensations: cold shock (hold ice in your hand, splash cold water in your face, take a cold shower), listen to loud music, snap a rubber band on your wrist, etc.
...
Another DBT acronym is "IMPROVE", as in "Improve the Moment":
Imagery: imagine a relaxing scene, imagine coping well, make up a fantasy world and let your mind run with it, imagine painful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe.
Meaning: find purpose, meaning, or value in the pain; focus on any positive aspects you can find in the painful situation. (So, for a break-up, maybe the "positive aspects" could be an "absence of negatives": Focus on the person's negative traits that you'll no longer have to deal with. Or when you find yourself dwelling on the negative possibilities for the future, remind yourself there are positive possibilities as well.)
Prayer: if you're religious, ask for strength in bearing the pain.
Relaxation: body scan for tension relief (lower your tongue from the roof of your mouth, unclench your jaw, soften your gaze, unwrinkle your forehead, let your shoulders down, uncurl your toes, rest your hands in your lap, etc.), massage your neck and scalp, focus on deep breathing, etc. Anything to relax the physical body.
One Thing In the Moment: focus your entire attention on what you're doing right in the present moment, focus only on what is objectively observable about your immediate surroundings (what can you see, what can you hear, what can you touch, keeping aware of physical body sensations, etc).
Vacation: give yourself a brief vacation, treat yourself, get into bed and pull the covers over your head, eat some chocolate, order takeout/delivery, unplug your phone for a day, etc.
Encouragement: repeat encouraging statements over and over (eg. "I will get through this," "This pain is temporary," "I'm doing my best.")
...
These are just a few examples of DBT skills/techniques. There are entire books written on DBT, so this is barely scraping the surface of it here.
You could take a cursory glance around the different modules on https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com and do a deeper dive on any techniques that sound like they could have potential for you. The four main modules are on the header of the site: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotional Regulation, Interpersonal Effectiveness.
I've never used that site for therapeutic purposes, but it looks like one of the more thorough websites on the topic as far as self-help potential.
This stuff is not easy. You don't just read this once or twice and get the hang of it. It takes dedication and practice, so if you engage this at all, try to be patient with yourself as you do so.
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Outside of DBT, there is another angle of approach here...
One way of accessing immediate intensive mental healthcare services is to be totally forthcoming about your suicidality. For purposes of evaluating a patient for admission into an inpatient unit, they assess the patient's risk and look for three things: 1) a specific suicide plan, and 2) ready access to the means to carry out the plan, and 3) imminent intent to carry out the plan.
If all three factors are present (plan, means, imminent intent), they admit the patient for a minimum 72-hour period and then evaluate risk on an ongoing basis. Generally upon release from an inpatient unit, the patient is offered a referral to outpatient treatment, which may also be intensive (ie. multiple days per week) depending on how they perceive your risk level.
I don't know if you're willing or able to do that, but that's the golden ticket to fast-tracking yourself through wait lists.
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In laying all this on you, by the way, it's not my intent to 'push it on you'.
It's just that the vibe I get from you is that you don't necessarily want to die, but that it's more as if you're (understandably) feeling death is the only path open to you right now, as far as a path towards ending your suffering. So in putting all this out here, it's just to say, there might be a couple other paths to explore, even if those paths might be kind of hidden or more challenging to navigate.
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