Venting Fuck

[willitpass]

I've been getting blow after blow from my treatment team within this last week. From being told I'm at risk of getting suddenly kicked out by my insurance, to a family session where my dad and therapist spent the entire time saying they would willingly get a conservatorship and lock me up the rest of my life, to being told I'm being forced to take meds I've been against from the get go, yesterday I was informed I've lost my extra privileges I'd worked to get due to lack of progress, and then to top it all off I was told in session today that a bunch of my lighthearted interactions with staff where no one told me I was doing anything wrong have been being charted as "inappropriate" behavior. That was the last straw. I've started the process of attempting to sign myself out again. This very well may end in me getting into a conservatorship under my father. All I'm hoping is that I have the chance to fly back to my home state unattended. So long as that happens I will be able to CTB. If it doesn't well then I'm absolutely fucked beyond measure. If I can't get a moment alone then I know I will be locked up for the rest of my life to suffer. I hope they drug me out of my mind so I can't even think clearly. Because if that is the future I have then I'm going to lose the last tiny straw of sanity I have. I need to fucking die.

 

[willitpass]

I plan on revoking my dad's release of information I signed when I got admitted. Currently he has full access to any information he wants and they've been talking with him without me like I'm a child the last couple of weeks. I know right now they will be calling him about my attempt to discharge and he'll be working on getting a conservatorship. I hope they haven't already done that.

I feel so fucking hurt and hopeless. The last three months have been a nightmare. I'm so tired.

Through our trips out into the community I've scouted out a gas station right across the street from a large, empty parking lot. I'll get an Uber to there.

 

[willitpass]

I decided once again to not discharge. The doctor is going to look into getting me ketamine appointments while I'm here. Other than that I have continued to lower my scores on my check in sheets and will stop endorsing active suicidal ideation.