... fuck.

[ctbcat]

things are getting more uncertain on whether ill be able to kill myself or not. it's not about willpower, or anything. i want to die - the fighting thoughts went away a while ago

there's a perfect 2 day window in 12-13 days, where i will be able to do so without much interference at all. but... everything seems to be going fucking wrong... suicide requires prep, of sorts. but i can't fucking find my card to go out and buy rooope, and since i was convinced i was going to hang while preparing this past month, i never scoped out any tall buildings, or the window of time to get hit by a train (yes, im aware of the implications of that method - desperate times have desperate measures)

... i can't fucking stay here another month for things to be sorted out. not even another 2 weeks. i need to go in that window. I can't fucking stand it...

... agh. oh well. sorry for being so... ill figure something out

 

[FuneralCry]

I really wish it's not so difficult to die on our own terms, we shouldn't have to struggle so much to die, I find it cruel how we cannot just choose to peacefully cease existing in a guaranteed way. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering.