L
LittleJem
Visionary
- Jul 3, 2019
- 2,511
So my colleagues are all mums and were talking about Mother's Day in our Zoom meeting and asked me what I'm doing for it. There are worse mothers out there than my mother, I know. But I just want to start this FUCK my mother thread for anyone that wants to share about their mothers.
Last night I had a dream in which my mother was starring. I told her very clearly I never wanted to see or speak to her again. Which I have also said to her in real life since she abandoned me when I really needed her. It made me realise, she has always abused me and not been there when I needed her, and when she has been there she has also been abusive. She is not a safe person for me to be anywhere near. Being so ill these past years and her continued abuse - it's just the same continuation. It's not a change. She has always abused me, and this year she abused me when I needed her the most.
In my dream, she was in a hotel room with me at a conference event and she was shaming me and abusing me.
She is an abusive, lying, vile person. She is still telling lies about me since we have become estranged when she left me terribly ill and bedridden with no care or support from her, while she went on holiday to Egypt as I lay bedridden to see one of her boyfriends, then went to Scotland to care for her other boyfriend/partner as he was ill and in hospital. I spent that year telling her how upset I was, that she needed to make amends or we would become estranged. I gave her one whole year of a chance and begged her to make amends and nothing. During this time, she has abused me as usual, telling me she was going to move house and not tell me where she was moving to (like she's been saying to me since I was a small child), questioning all my decisions e.g. about my divorce, and giving me no support even though I was ill, heartbroken and bedridden. When I was (and am) being bullied at work, she just made sneering and dismissive noises.
Before this, when I was well enough, I used to invite her round when I was married for many dinners and to stay over (even when she accused my then husband of domestic abuse without asking for my opinion and it was not true). I paid for a holiday to Egypt for her for her 60th birthday and bought her a new passport, and she accused me of wanting her money (which she doesn't have any). She hadn't been abroad for years. I saw her often and did everything I could to a) excuse her illness and behaviour and b) be a good daughter.
I just want to say FUCK her. FUCK her to hell. I made excuses for her for so long, that she called me the 'devil incarnate' when I was a small child, didn't support me to make friends or learn manners but left me to fend for myself, never did our washing or made sure we were appropriately dressed, and is a compulsive hoarder that made me grow up in a home infested with moths, mould and mice. This has affected my lungs permanently. She called me a million names as I was growing up, that I was 'such a selfish girl', that 'no wonder I didn't have friends', that 'she loved the abortion she had more than she loved me' and that I was the one who had 'ruined her marriage' (I was like 5 or 8 years old). And that my father had left because he didn't love me enough.
She terrified me in ways I still do not feel or understand, as I feel so numb after her abuse.
FUCK her. FUCK her to hell.
Last night I had a dream in which my mother was starring. I told her very clearly I never wanted to see or speak to her again. Which I have also said to her in real life since she abandoned me when I really needed her. It made me realise, she has always abused me and not been there when I needed her, and when she has been there she has also been abusive. She is not a safe person for me to be anywhere near. Being so ill these past years and her continued abuse - it's just the same continuation. It's not a change. She has always abused me, and this year she abused me when I needed her the most.
In my dream, she was in a hotel room with me at a conference event and she was shaming me and abusing me.
She is an abusive, lying, vile person. She is still telling lies about me since we have become estranged when she left me terribly ill and bedridden with no care or support from her, while she went on holiday to Egypt as I lay bedridden to see one of her boyfriends, then went to Scotland to care for her other boyfriend/partner as he was ill and in hospital. I spent that year telling her how upset I was, that she needed to make amends or we would become estranged. I gave her one whole year of a chance and begged her to make amends and nothing. During this time, she has abused me as usual, telling me she was going to move house and not tell me where she was moving to (like she's been saying to me since I was a small child), questioning all my decisions e.g. about my divorce, and giving me no support even though I was ill, heartbroken and bedridden. When I was (and am) being bullied at work, she just made sneering and dismissive noises.
Before this, when I was well enough, I used to invite her round when I was married for many dinners and to stay over (even when she accused my then husband of domestic abuse without asking for my opinion and it was not true). I paid for a holiday to Egypt for her for her 60th birthday and bought her a new passport, and she accused me of wanting her money (which she doesn't have any). She hadn't been abroad for years. I saw her often and did everything I could to a) excuse her illness and behaviour and b) be a good daughter.
I just want to say FUCK her. FUCK her to hell. I made excuses for her for so long, that she called me the 'devil incarnate' when I was a small child, didn't support me to make friends or learn manners but left me to fend for myself, never did our washing or made sure we were appropriately dressed, and is a compulsive hoarder that made me grow up in a home infested with moths, mould and mice. This has affected my lungs permanently. She called me a million names as I was growing up, that I was 'such a selfish girl', that 'no wonder I didn't have friends', that 'she loved the abortion she had more than she loved me' and that I was the one who had 'ruined her marriage' (I was like 5 or 8 years old). And that my father had left because he didn't love me enough.
She terrified me in ways I still do not feel or understand, as I feel so numb after her abuse.
FUCK her. FUCK her to hell.