Siamese Believe
Member
- Dec 8, 2025
- 82
It's been since last Saturday, still no card. They said it would take about 3 weeks but my mom is convinced it'll come sooner. Claims it could be "any day now". Yet I check the mail and it's nothing but a bunch of useless bull.
Fuck all this waiting, just before I found out about this, I was literally about to go through with my plan. And I would be graveyard DEAD right now.
Gets me so angry when I think about it, because I know I'm weak to such temptation because all I've known is misery for so long. The cruel reality is that as long as you are alive is just as long as you will desire. And desire that is reachable can or will tie you to this planet.
I wouldn't be so mad about this if it weren't for the fact that I would be dead if I didn't find out I was approved. I wish I hadn't found out.
Feels like I've been lured back to this shit show, a feast I cannot deny myself, pleasure I cannot deny myself.
I have an opportunity to experience some joy before I die now, but the journey there is the most agonizing wait I've ever had to endure in my entire life.
It's all I can ever think everyday about now, every second, every minute is painful. I try to take my mind off of it the best I can.
Now I just can't end it yet knowing all that money is coming, I have to have some fun with that before I go. I think I deserve it from this world for all the suffering and pain I've had to endure.
I wanna hit up every restaurant, get some nice things, experience something other than constant misery for a change. Perhaps even buy a sharper, higher quality knife.
If I cannot have this in a timely manner then I'll just go through with my plan. I'm the one in control here finally, not anyone else. I'm still going to end it, card or no card.
Biggest question is how long will I wait? I've come this far, surely I can take a little bit more abuse so I can experience some good feelings before I depart.
My biggest problems that I've had with my life is that I don't get to experience even a small portion of the pleasure others get to in this world, this existence is very cruel and unfair. Life is fundamentally cursed.
If eating delicious food and indulging in consumerism is my only way to take from this world, then I need the opportunity to do so.
Fuck all this waiting, just before I found out about this, I was literally about to go through with my plan. And I would be graveyard DEAD right now.
Gets me so angry when I think about it, because I know I'm weak to such temptation because all I've known is misery for so long. The cruel reality is that as long as you are alive is just as long as you will desire. And desire that is reachable can or will tie you to this planet.
I wouldn't be so mad about this if it weren't for the fact that I would be dead if I didn't find out I was approved. I wish I hadn't found out.
Feels like I've been lured back to this shit show, a feast I cannot deny myself, pleasure I cannot deny myself.
I have an opportunity to experience some joy before I die now, but the journey there is the most agonizing wait I've ever had to endure in my entire life.
It's all I can ever think everyday about now, every second, every minute is painful. I try to take my mind off of it the best I can.
Now I just can't end it yet knowing all that money is coming, I have to have some fun with that before I go. I think I deserve it from this world for all the suffering and pain I've had to endure.
I wanna hit up every restaurant, get some nice things, experience something other than constant misery for a change. Perhaps even buy a sharper, higher quality knife.
If I cannot have this in a timely manner then I'll just go through with my plan. I'm the one in control here finally, not anyone else. I'm still going to end it, card or no card.
Biggest question is how long will I wait? I've come this far, surely I can take a little bit more abuse so I can experience some good feelings before I depart.
My biggest problems that I've had with my life is that I don't get to experience even a small portion of the pleasure others get to in this world, this existence is very cruel and unfair. Life is fundamentally cursed.
If eating delicious food and indulging in consumerism is my only way to take from this world, then I need the opportunity to do so.
