Fuck. I think i can't CTB. My SI is kicking in.

[gantaigarashi]

I don't know what's going on. I have already started with my 48 hr SN regimen. The one thing remaining is to take the last domperidone, benzos, and SN.

Fuck man. I'm in my hotel room everything is ready. I had fucking prepared myself for 5 months, from reading posts about it to buying SN, benzos, everything. Shit!!!! What is wrong with me.

But I can't man. Fuck, why? Suddenly I started to think about food. Like fucking food. The dope ass burgers i ate, the fried prawns and rotis that my mom made. Fuck, I don't want to drink SN because I want to experience that again. Why??? I was ready to go. But suddenly, it happened.

Idk the trigger would be that my WhatsApp scheduler app won't work with screen lock, which means i won't be able tell them that I've died and all other important details. It kind of messed up my resolute mindset because my preparation was derailed. Like damn.

I'm sitting in my hotel room, fasted for around 9 hrs, hungry af, and all I can think about is food.

Damn. Like what awaits me is 60+ hrs of work that i despise. Possibly some form of STIs because I had unprotected sex with an escort. I don't know man. What should I do, fuck.

 

[nightlygem]

I know this is going to feel like you just wasted time, effort, and strength. But the fact that your brain is trying to find reasons to stay alive, however stupid it may be, might just be your sign that it's not your time.
I had a very similar experience. Everything was set up and working in my favor, but as I was getting ready, I thought about my favorite person. I thought about their smile. I thought to myself, "I want to see that smile again."

the point of me telling that story was to remind you that you're not the only person who's been faced with this decision, then conflicted by seemingly futile things. No one is going to be upset if you back out.
Yeah, life is going to suck for you right now. But, as you're thinking right now, there's that really nice restaurant you haven't tried yet. Theres that burger place you just have to come back to. The little things make life feel worth it. just a little.

Whether you choose to go, or choose to stay, you have my support and my love, stranger.
I wish you the best.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I think it's better to abort the attempt. SI is so difficult to be defeated. We're here for you and backing out is nothing to be ashamed for

 

[gantaigarashi]

I know this is going to feel like you just wasted time, effort, and strength. But the fact that your brain is trying to find reasons to stay alive, however stupid it may be, might just be your sign that it's not your time.
I had a very similar experience. Everything was set up and working in my favor, but as I was getting ready, I thought about my favorite person. I thought about their smile. I thought to myself, "I want to see that smile again."

the point of me telling that story was to remind you that you're not the only person who's been faced with this decision, then conflicted by seemingly futile things. No one is going to be upset if you back out.
Yeah, life is going to suck for you right now. But, as you're thinking right now, there's that really nice restaurant you haven't tried yet. Theres that burger place you just have to come back to. The little things make life feel worth it. just a little.

Whether you choose to go, or choose to stay, you have my support and my love, stranger.
I wish you the best.

Thanks for being so empathetic. I am feeling like a bitch man. Like I just couldn't cross the finish line just when the race was about to be over.

I think it's better to abort the attempt. SI is so difficult to be defeated. We're here for you and backing out is nothing to be ashamed for

Idk what to say. I'm typing this in my hotel room, cried so many times. It just feels so bad

 

[DoubleUp8]

I have had similar experiences. I think it's best to impulsively do it without thinking about it. I think about it too much and too long and end up chickening out. Several times.
Wouldn't be too concerned about stds and unprotected sex. Odds are you're ok there

 

[cait_sith]

I have had similar experiences. I think it's best to impulsively do it without thinking about it. I think about it too much and too long and end up chickening out. Several times.

How does one impulsively fast for 8 hours? And then not think suring those 8 hours what you are about to do while timing all the other shit you have to take? That's whats making SN such a hard method to pull off. I really feel for OP.

 

[skybox]

You still have everything you need for this method? There's nothing wrong with trying again when you're 100% ready. Go eat something delicious

 

[Onelegman]

I can't encourage you to do it, but I understand that it's hard to take the step. No one is going to judge you for it. You're just not ready. Give yourself some time and maybe then you'll gather the courage or the reasons that drove you to do it all. The mind is very treacherous in any attempt, whatever the method.

Be encouraged, cry as much as you need to until you get it all out.

 

[unusally alive]

Possibly some form of STIs because I had unprotected sex with an escort

If it helps, I can basically guarantee you that you won't be getting an STI. They HAVE TO get tested every so often just so they are allowed to keep on working. As for the rest, there isnt really anything i could tell you.

 

[gantaigarashi]

I can't encourage you to do it, but I understand that it's hard to take the step. No one is going to judge you for it. You're just not ready. Give yourself some time and maybe then you'll gather the courage or the reasons that drove you to do it all. The mind is very treacherous in any attempt, whatever the method.

Be encouraged, cry as much as you need to until you get it all out.

Damn. It's crazy, I was ready to CTB, all of a sudden something hit. We even had discussed tons about it on my post, idk man I feel like shit

 

[DoubleUp8]

How does one impulsively fast for 8 hours? And then not think suring those 8 hours what you are about to do while timing all the other shit you have to take? That's whats making SN such a hard method to pull off. I really feel for OP.

I get it. I think sometimes impulsively off of a rooftop. Hell i had a gun in hand recently but couldn't pull the trigger. I couldn't do sn. I tried half gram of heroin and that didn't come close to working. Any method that takes as much preparation as you're describing, you're gonna think a lot. Can't help but thinking about everything with that much time. Maybe a combination of drugs that render you a senseless mindless zombie would help.

 

[black and white]

Dont feel Bad... It's all normally SI kick in.... If you let it win you will feel better quickly liké tomorrow or the next day. Yeah on the moment we feel ridiculous, weak... It's weird. SI is hard to defeat, i experienced it too, like many here... I try to warn people about. I think are fantasizing death and ctb like it's all easy etc. It's even not about being painful or not. Many method Can be fast and without pain. It's just about this damn SI.... Suicide is an impulsive matter. Please understand, no matter how much months you did prépare and how prepared IS your plan.... It's all about achieving. And this achievment is all about an impulse which isn't easy to make considering SI.... Now you know....

Many here talking so much about ctb, probably never tried. There's nothing easy.

PS: forget about the escort. You don't know before testing. And this can't bé your main reason to die...

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I don't know what's going on. I have already started with my 48 hr SN regimen. The one thing remaining is to take the last domperidone, benzos, and SN.

Fuck man. I'm in my hotel room everything is ready. I had fucking prepared myself for 5 months, from reading posts about it to buying SN, benzos, everything. Shit!!!! What is wrong with me.

But I can't man. Fuck, why? Suddenly I started to think about food. Like fucking food. The dope ass burgers i ate, the fried prawns and rotis that my mom made. Fuck, I don't want to drink SN because I want to experience that again. Why??? I was ready to go. But suddenly, it happened.

Idk the trigger would be that my WhatsApp scheduler app won't work with screen lock, which means i won't be able tell them that I've died and all other important details. It kind of messed up my resolute mindset because my preparation was derailed. Like damn.

I'm sitting in my hotel room, fasted for around 9 hrs, hungry af, and all I can think about is food.

Damn. Like what awaits me is 60+ hrs of work that i despise. Possibly some form of STIs because I had unprotected sex with an escort. I don't know man. What should I do, fuck.

Si is almost impossible to defeat. Another lie is that suicide is easy and the coward's way out

 

[Onelegman]

Si is almost impossible to defeat. Another lie is that suicide is easy and the coward's way out

I have been told dozens of times that I am a coward, and many more times that I was very brave. I'll stick with the second one. I'm sure that many more people than admit it have thought about CTB at some point and envy people who have the courage.

 

[gantaigarashi]

Si is almost impossible to defeat. Another lie is that suicide is easy and the coward's way out

I knew it anecdotaly, but experiencing it first hand felt so bad. People who successfully CTB got to have so much courage.

Dont feel Bad... It's all normally SI kick in.... If you let it win you will feel better quickly liké tomorrow or the next day. Yeah on the moment we feel ridiculous, weak... It's weird. SI is hard to defeat, i experienced it too, like many here... I try to warn people about. I think are fantasizing death and ctb like it's all easy etc. It's even not about being painful or not. Many method Can be fast and without pain. It's just about this damn SI.... Suicide is an impulsive matter. Please understand, no matter how much months you did prépare and how prepared IS your plan.... It's all about achieving. And this achievment is all about an impulse which isn't easy to make considering SI.... Now you know....

Many here talking so much about ctb, probably never tried. There's nothing easy.

PS: forget about the escort. You don't know before testing. And this can't bé your main reason to die...

Yeah, I think you can't approach CTB logically, some kind of impulsiveness needs to be there.

And no, STI is not the reason for my CTB

 

[Onelegman]

This hasn't been your first attempt at CTB I believe it has? SI is evil, one must stop breathing, cancel out all thoughts and pull the trigger, jump or swallow, it's not impossible but it requires... practice so to speak.

 

[gantaigarashi]

This hasn't been your first attempt at CTB I believe it has? SI is evil, one must stop breathing, cancel out all thoughts and pull the trigger, jump or swallow, it's not impossible but it requires... practice so to speak.

No, this was first attempt. Yeah, I think it'll require some kind of practice.

 

[aslank98]

It's not going to be easy my friend, there's a reason you and me are here and that's biology!

The survival instinct is a pesky bugger. Your brain is smarter than you think.

Just like you said you have everything ready then all of a sudden you panic and start thinking about all the things you wanna experience again e.g.
-Tasty Food
-Entertainment: movies, tv, music, video games
-Sex
-Drugs

Just think there have been humans before us and currently living who are in absolute dog shit circumstances, pure misery and they could ctb but they don't! Because of the survival instinct!

In my opinion you really really need to think deep down, what do you want?

Maybe give it another month, a year, 5 years? It doesn't matter. We are going to die eventually. You don't need to rush anything.

You have your method. SN has a very very very long shelf life when properly stored and can always be repurchased if needed.

You should be at peace with your death, you shouldn't be anxious or afraid because if you are that tells me you aren't ready. (Just my opinion)

Don't feel like you have to do it. This is your moment. You want to be as calm as possible to make it easy for yourself.