Mea Culpa
Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa, Kyrie Eleison
- Sep 22, 2023
- 173
Story/Vent. I apologize for the long post. If you do read the whole thing, thank you for taking the time to. Things may be disjointed and i apologize for that.
Ive wanted to die for many years. Almost ctb in 2017. But that failed. Been alone most of my life or else abused in some way. My suicidal ideation has gotten tremendously worse to now I'm almost crying everyday or breaking down completely.
I'm so angry with myself. I had a plan to ctb again. But now things are different. For the first time in my life, I made a friend. Best friend. I feel weak and cowardly now. Selfish even. This person, for no reason at all, just cares about me. I don't understand why.
I feel selfish for wanting to put myself out of my misery because now I have someone itll affect and hurt.
When I broke, completely broke, that's when my plan was made. Had a method, date, everything. Started distancing myself from them. Found out that, when I just suddenly stopped talking to them, it made them cry. For me. I was never someone worth crying over, why now with everything set in motion? It... hurt. But i needed this, i hate myself, i hate living the way i do with my mind weighing me down. I'm tired of having no joy or having no urge to do the things I loved anymore, waking up in the morning just to be me again. I feel like a hollow shell of what a person is supposed to be. Im barely eating as it is.
A few days go by and I've almost made it to the date. But hearing how upset my friend was... I don't know it just hurt. So for the first time I gave the hotline a try. They didn't help the thoughts but made me decide to reach out to my friend and talk about what happened.
And... I regret it. Came over the next day and took the method I had away. Like, I get it. I know why they did it it. But I'm so fucking angry, I want to kick holes into the wall. I want to rip myself to pieces and just trash the place. Why did I give in so easily, the one way I was willing to try, gone. I even wrote a letter and shit.
I've been researching these past few weeks trying to find other ways to ctb but everything just seems the same. All survivable with long term affects that'll make life even more unbearable. I feel trapped, like theres no way out and I want to scream!
They stay on the phone with me for hours on end trying to help me feel better, even saying things like "Don't go" or "I dont want you to leave forever" and it just hurts because ive never had something like that before.
I'm so angry and torn and I just dont know. I'm still researching methods. Thinking of maybe hanging. I have a place I can. But now, having someone who cares is so new and foreign that I feel racked with guilt. I cant even self harm anymore to just get some of the pain out.
Am I weak now? A coward? What's wrong with me? I want to die and have another possible plan, why am I struggling now? I feel so ripped apart. I don't think anyone here may have an answer, but I'm hoping maybe I'm not alone. Its like living in a limbo where the things you want clash and contradict. I want to die so I dont have to suffer but now itll affect and hurt someone i do care about. I hate this so much.
Ive wanted to die for many years. Almost ctb in 2017. But that failed. Been alone most of my life or else abused in some way. My suicidal ideation has gotten tremendously worse to now I'm almost crying everyday or breaking down completely.
I'm so angry with myself. I had a plan to ctb again. But now things are different. For the first time in my life, I made a friend. Best friend. I feel weak and cowardly now. Selfish even. This person, for no reason at all, just cares about me. I don't understand why.
I feel selfish for wanting to put myself out of my misery because now I have someone itll affect and hurt.
When I broke, completely broke, that's when my plan was made. Had a method, date, everything. Started distancing myself from them. Found out that, when I just suddenly stopped talking to them, it made them cry. For me. I was never someone worth crying over, why now with everything set in motion? It... hurt. But i needed this, i hate myself, i hate living the way i do with my mind weighing me down. I'm tired of having no joy or having no urge to do the things I loved anymore, waking up in the morning just to be me again. I feel like a hollow shell of what a person is supposed to be. Im barely eating as it is.
A few days go by and I've almost made it to the date. But hearing how upset my friend was... I don't know it just hurt. So for the first time I gave the hotline a try. They didn't help the thoughts but made me decide to reach out to my friend and talk about what happened.
And... I regret it. Came over the next day and took the method I had away. Like, I get it. I know why they did it it. But I'm so fucking angry, I want to kick holes into the wall. I want to rip myself to pieces and just trash the place. Why did I give in so easily, the one way I was willing to try, gone. I even wrote a letter and shit.
I've been researching these past few weeks trying to find other ways to ctb but everything just seems the same. All survivable with long term affects that'll make life even more unbearable. I feel trapped, like theres no way out and I want to scream!
They stay on the phone with me for hours on end trying to help me feel better, even saying things like "Don't go" or "I dont want you to leave forever" and it just hurts because ive never had something like that before.
I'm so angry and torn and I just dont know. I'm still researching methods. Thinking of maybe hanging. I have a place I can. But now, having someone who cares is so new and foreign that I feel racked with guilt. I cant even self harm anymore to just get some of the pain out.
Am I weak now? A coward? What's wrong with me? I want to die and have another possible plan, why am I struggling now? I feel so ripped apart. I don't think anyone here may have an answer, but I'm hoping maybe I'm not alone. Its like living in a limbo where the things you want clash and contradict. I want to die so I dont have to suffer but now itll affect and hurt someone i do care about. I hate this so much.
