Frustrated / Cyclic behavior

[jesse]

I made so much progress last month. I decided who I wanted to be in the future, and I scheduled my days to work toward being that future person. I was getting regular exercise. I had a sleep schedule for once. I started cooking instead of eating packaged food. I was actually getting chores done. It wasn't perfect, but I was feeling better. It was sort of working.

Then it wasn't. It's like a child is throwing a tantrum in my head and refusing to take another step forward; rebelling against my plans for the sake of it. This simple routine of mine has become Mt. Everest. It feels impossible. Maybe I bit off more than I could chew. I thought about trimming the fat from my routine, but there isn't a whole lot to trim. I literally am just trying to live life normally for once. Waking up during the day. Sleeping at night. Eating decently at the same times. Not sitting still the entire day. Most people do these things without thinking, but for me it's apparently novel, and a struggle.

When I gather my strength, I'll try to get back on this horse again, but deep down I know this will keep happening. It's a long-running pattern. A make a bit of progress, and then I burn it to the ground. I delude myself that "this time will be different" every time. I feel angry and embarrassed that I keep repeating this cycle. I wish I had any clue on how to stop.

 

[signifying nothing]

It's like a child is throwing a tantrum in my head and refusing to take another step forward; rebelling against my plans for the sake of it.

You have to start taking notice of this part of you and what they want/need. They will continue to undermine you otherwise.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I think noticing where the resistance is coming from may help.

All those things that you are doing sound great in theroy but is it actually what you want/need?

Personally I find myself miserable in those common routines. I only just figured that out this past auutum though.

Doing things that are considered healthy doesn't do much for me. I don't enjoy much so I can't force myself to a routine I wont enjoy.

From there/Since that realization I am taking time to do things. I am noticing how things make me feel.

Recovery is an individual concept. Experiment with the things that help and bring you joy. Good luck

 

[timf]

There are some people who can make a single change in life and go forward on a new path. However, most us us travel by what is called "successive approximation". This is usually a series of missteps from which we try again and slowly move in the direction we want. There is overall progress, but it can be frustrating to find repeated failings. One can give credit for having achieved anything in the first place. Many have difficulty even taking the first step.

Reflecting on why the change didn't last may help identify elements with which to experiment for the next attempt.

 

[aneurysm]

I feel angry and embarrassed that I keep repeating this cycle. I wish I had any clue on how to stop.

it's never linear

 

[lugerepair]

I made so much progress last month. I decided who I wanted to be in the future, and I scheduled my days to work toward being that future person. I was getting regular exercise. I had a sleep schedule for once. I started cooking instead of eating packaged food. I was actually getting chores done. It wasn't perfect, but I was feeling better. It was sort of working.

Then it wasn't. It's like a child is throwing a tantrum in my head and refusing to take another step forward; rebelling against my plans for the sake of it. This simple routine of mine has become Mt. Everest. It feels impossible. Maybe I bit off more than I could chew. I thought about trimming the fat from my routine, but there isn't a whole lot to trim. I literally am just trying to live life normally for once. Waking up during the day. Sleeping at night. Eating decently at the same times. Not sitting still the entire day. Most people do these things without thinking, but for me it's apparently novel, and a struggle.

When I gather my strength, I'll try to get back on this horse again, but deep down I know this will keep happening. It's a long-running pattern. A make a bit of progress, and then I burn it to the ground. I delude myself that "this time will be different" every time. I feel angry and embarrassed that I keep repeating this cycle. I wish I had any clue on how to stop.

Do you have a menstrual cycle? Because if so it could be PMDD. If not, ignore me.

 

[shy]

I delude myself that "this time will be different" every time.

This hits home for me. No change ever happens though since I always go back to thinking "why even bother". If you have a clear goal in mind of why you want to change. Setting up constant reminders of that reason, might help motivate you and get you past the hard moments.

 

[jesse]

You have to start taking notice of this part of you and what they want/need. They will continue to undermine you otherwise.

That's a good point. I did some self-reflection on this. It seems to me that this part of me feels rejected, and in turn is refusing to take part of the "normal" world that rejected it. So my job, my routine, my attempt to force a typical life might be incompatible with my feelings. I'll have to think about that for a while.

 

[salmon]

I have the exact same problem and I'm planning to start 'schema therapy' soon. Maybe look it up, see if it could be helpful?

 

[jesse]

The more time I spend thinking about this, the angrier I get. I've wrote down the emotions underneath the anger, and it's a long list. I didn't know I felt this many things. I thought I was... fine... It's pretty obvious to me that my suicidality has been a way of coping with these suppressed feelings. I'm not sure what I'll do now. Right now I'm too bitter and tired to move forward. I don't know how to provide the acceptance this part of me needs. I've internalized decades of all these nasty ideas about myself. I have an inner critic that trivializes my every emotion, encourages apathy, and paints my attempts to open up as me being a crybaby or a manipulator. I know no one cares about these incredibly personal things, but... I just need to post this to fight that inner critic. I'll probably regret sharing any of this. Maybe someone can relate or something? I don't know...

 

[neitherherenorthere]

I'm stuck in the same cyclical pattern. Do well for a few weeks, then can't keep going and everything falls apart, rinse and repeat forever. It's maddening.

Just peeling back the layer of anger to see what's underneath is a huge thing, and is/was probably emotionally exhausting in and of itself. Give yourself credit for looking inward and figuring things out You're allowed to be bitter and tired and angry and whatever else you're experiencing. I hope you don't regret sharing. The whole purpose of these forums is to talk about stuff like this, and people are here to be supportive.

This is a dumb analogy, but it's sort of like you had this weird, lumpy carpet in your room and always just figured, "That's fine, that's just how the carpet is," until one day you had to pull up the carpet and there's a huge mess of stuff under there. Suddenly it clicks in your head that the carpet wasn't 'just like that,' there was something going on underneath that was causing problems. So right now you've just pulled up an entire carpet (which I don't know if you've ever done before, but it's exhausting), so take a break. Everything that was hidden underneath will still be there for you to organize, vacuum up, whatever metaphor you want to use... later.

Fighting your inner critic is hard. I've been told by more than one person that "just because you think something doesn't mean it's true." Logically it makes sense, but it's hard to believe the logic when what you think about yourself feels true.

My ability to focus is crumbling to bits but basically I want to say that the realizations you've had in the past few days are huge progress. Keep posting and reaching out for the support you need. You're doing fine.

 

[Puffinz]

It feels like I wrote this post it's so similar to me. The last month I was doing well but recently I'm just getting lazier and lazier about things. Like you said, I always tell myself it will be different this time but it ends the same way every time. I've been repeating this cycle my entire life and no matter how much I lie to myself it just seems like it's going to keep repeating until I die.

 

[jesse]

This is a minor update.

I still haven't gotten back on my horse. I think it's fair to say I've lost that horse at this point... I think while exploring why this stuff is going on, I discovered a whole underground world of myself. Both in therapy and in general. I'm not sure how guilty to feel about being so consumed by all of this. On one hand I'm trying to change long-running patterns that have been literally ruining my entire life. That is... gooood... On the other hand... everything else is kind of, well... chaos. I think I may have become too obsessed? I'm sort of... destabilized. I suppose some of that is natural, considering I'm making big changes... or trying to... or wanting to at least.

I just wish there was a big pause button I could press until I worked some of this stuff out. This isn't the first time I've felt like that. That's what worries me. The issue of not being able to get enough of my work done has ballooned since my last post. There's a lot more inner resistance to doing any of my job's responsibilities. Plus my mind is really busy, and I've been exhausted to boot. (also a little sick) I'm considering taking unpaid time off, but I'm really worried how that will look to my employer, considering I've taken similar time in the past... I hate that everything always has to be so complicated. I feel helpless and overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like a child trying to navigate an adult's world.

 

[Meditation guide]

Then it wasn't. It's like a child is throwing a tantrum in my head and refusing to take another step forward; rebelling against my plans for the sake of it. This simple routine of mine has become Mt. Everest. It feels impossible. Maybe I bit off more than I could chew.

Rome wasn't built in a day. If you are pushing yourself every day you have to give yourself little vacations from that too. Don't do it 7 days a week. Give yourself 3 lazy days.

Take it slowly. It's normal to fall off. Just make yourself get back up. Don't try for perfection.

 

[Cronetappingout]

The more time I spend thinking about this, the angrier I get. I've wrote down the emotions underneath the anger, and it's a long list. I didn't know I felt this many things. I thought I was... fine... It's pretty obvious to me that my suicidality has been a way of coping with these suppressed feelings. I'm not sure what I'll do now. Right now I'm too bitter and tired to move forward. I don't know how to provide the acceptance this part of me needs. I've internalized decades of all these nasty ideas about myself. I have an inner critic that trivializes my every emotion, encourages apathy, and paints my attempts to open up as me being a crybaby or a manipulator. I know no one cares about these incredibly personal things, but... I just need to post this to fight that inner critic. I'll probably regret sharing any of this. Maybe someone can relate or something? I don't know...

I just want to say that life has cycles and sometimes the seed is dormant, sometimes it is sprouting, sometimes the plant is in full growth, and sometimes it is time to harvest the plant so we can go back to planting a seed. It is normal for our feelings to change on the regular and I find acceptance of the change helps.
I think the inner critic is a part of us that is still processing old hurts and is protecting us from bad things hurting us again. But sometimes it is loud and it needs to be acknowledged and thanked and told to go on it's way because we are building something better and new and healthy. Congratulations on working so hard to change your routine. Make sure you are adding in things that bring you happiness with the goal of building as much joy into your life as you can.
Rebuilding seems to be my life theme. And I encourage anyone going through the crappy times in life to focus on the rebuild.
Balance. Life is good for a while and then it is crap and we have to rebuild to have the good again. Hugs.
I hope that makes sense to you. I am tired tonight.

 

[Water-Lily]

I'll be honest I skimmed through your post so I didn't catch much
But, I've realized that life isn't a straight line
Its very very wobbly
its normal to have moments along the path to recovery that feel like you've taken 3 steps forward and 6 or more back.
Doesnt mean you arent recovering, its just a dip in the road. What matters is how you come out of that. Coming out of that, regardless of how long it takes, enhances recovery. Staying in it does not.

 

[Makko]

Are you sure that the "normal" routine is what you need?

Cyclic behavior forms when you're trying to force yourself into a routine that is unnatural for you. In theory a person can adapt and get used to anything, but in practice you could spend your whole life struggling to force a square peg into a round slot and ultimatel not reaping any long-term benefits. The problem is not so much with you as it is with the design of the routine. You should define a routine that is more "healthy" than your old destructive ways but also one you actually don't mind following.

Another thing that I found helps a long way with successfully changing routine is a change of environment. The absolute best change of environment is moving to a different city or even a different country, but assumng that's too radical, you can make small changes in your everyday conditions that will make new routines easier.

My examples: I had some furniture in my apartment that was difficult to clean behind, so mostly I left it alone and let it gather a lot of dust. Finally I rearranged or removed the troublesome items and now my apartment is much easier to clean. I also thought that cooking, beyond simple things, was a chore. So I bought some kitchen machines to automate the boring parts, so that cooking requires less effort, and the mental barrier is lesser. Lowering the psychological tresholds to good things in this way is called "nudging". Try to think of ways to give yourself better preconditions for maintaining the routine you want. In any way you can, shape your environment so that it nudges you towards good choices.