Venting Frustrated by Survival Instinct

[MeltingHeart]

Anyone else on here got it that the ONLY thing, literally, keeping them from ctb is the SI? I have lost all hope in life & enjoy nothing and no activities even slightly now. I kind of wish I was less sane - in a strange way - as then in some way it would be easier to ctb perhaps- the only thing keeping me alive is SI and how relatively complicated (when I cant really focus on anything) it is to obtain SN or other methods recommended on here. Wish I had some super stong anti-anxiety meds-maybe that would help me be able to do partial-my initial chosen method that my mind and body will not let me do!!

 

[Girobatol]

The SI and I don´t want to leave a dead body to a familiar.

 

[Rachel74]

N and SN will be the only methods I trust that would enable me to SI. Especially N as once swallowed that's it.

 

[lotus11]

N and SN will be the only methods I trust that would enable me to SI. Especially N as once swallowed that's it.

same, I have tried a few times but I think I could only manage to it if I got N. Survival instinct is a fucking bitch.

 

[sleepy dog]

Yes. If I could know that I would 100% die if I used a method I chose, I would do it soon. But the reality is I fear I would survive and most likely with damage.

 

[Bathsheba]

Fuck yes... I know it's a bad method, but I'd love to ctb by crashing into something in my car. Driving very fast is my thing.. and so many times I've been on the motorway praying for SI to disappear so I can crash into a bridge and ctb that way. SI is a c***

 

[bpd_notme]

I self rescued bc of SI when I slit my arteries and tried bleeding out. It was so fucking painful, I panicked and called emergency bc I thought it would stop the pain. No blood means no oxygen, I couldn't fucking breathe and everything hurt.

So my new method is jumping because there is no self rescue after you fall.

I don't think I would have the nerve to jump, but I think I can close my eyes and scoot forward until gravity takes over and it's too late to back out. It'll just be an oh shit moment, but at that point it is out of my control.

 

[Return2Dust]

Fuck yes... I know it's a bad method, but I'd love to ctb by crashing into something in my car. Driving very fast is my thing.. and so many times I've been on the motorway praying for SI to disappear so I can crash into a bridge and ctb that way. SI is a c***

I hit a tree head on. The cop said I was lucky to be alive. "No, you don't understand". Still can't believe the cops and medics let someone pick me up and take me home.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I self rescued bc of SI when I slit my arteries and tried bleeding out. It was so fucking painful, I panicked and called emergency bc I thought it would stop the pain. No blood means no oxygen, I couldn't fucking breathe and everything hurt.

So my new method is jumping because there is no self rescue after you fall.

I don't think I would have the nerve to jump, but I think I can close my eyes and scoot forward until gravity takes over and it's too late to back out. It'll just be an oh shit moment, but at that point it is out of my control.

I would just worry the jump wouldnt be high enough -and then end up with profound injuries-but survive-nightmare

Fuck yes... I know it's a bad method, but I'd love to ctb by crashing into something in my car. Driving very fast is my thing.. and so many times I've been on the motorway praying for SI to disappear so I can crash into a bridge and ctb that way. SI is a c***

oh not too sure that can be a very reliable method-people do survive crashes at v high speeds but just v.v.vinjured

 

[bpd_notme]

I would just worry the jump wouldnt be high enough -and then end up with profound injuries-but survive-nightmare

That was my biggest fear, but I decided it was just an excuse. >90% of death vs a 10% fear of living. Such uneven odds to be afraid of.

I'm tired of continuing my existence due to fear of failure. If I somehow live thru my jump, I'll just try again. I'll still be in the same fucked up headspace (unless I am an oblivious vegetable) and pretty much will be in the exact same place I am now, except maybe in a wheelchair. Oh boohoo, so scary.

At least I'll have tried.

Also, I may be eligible for euthanasia in certain states after I'm all fucked up if I live.

Win, win.

 

[JimFord99]

I think you can beat the SI with drugs, meds or alc. There is a threshold.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I think you can beat the SI with drugs, meds or alc. There is a threshold.

Tried Alc- doesnt work -yet

 

[JimFord99]

There was a while ago a member who encouraged me to take V to suppress the SI when/if it tries to kick in.

Tried Alc- doesnt work -yet

What and how much? I always thought alc sort of numbs your mind.

 

[Amz_Falls]

I would just worry the jump wouldnt be high enough -and then end up with profound injuries-but survive-nightmare

Welcome to my reality right now

 

[MeltingHeart]

what as in injuries?

 

[Amz_Falls]

what as in injuries?

Yep, through jumping

 

[Sweet Release]

My SI has kicked in at the last moment several times.
I guess SI is supposed to be a good thing but in actuality all it is doing is prolonging the pain.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Basically the only thing that keeps me alive. Had I been ableto overcome SI, I would be 6 feet under 12 years ago.
No ammount of alcohol, prescription medication and illicit drugs help. Ivetried so many times. At least 6 times per year since 2014. At this point Im starting to think the only thing that would work for me would be getting someone to push me off the ledge...

 

[NickStanfield]

Fuck yes... I know it's a bad method, but I'd love to ctb by crashing into something in my car. Driving very fast is my thing.. and so many times I've been on the motorway praying for SI to disappear so I can crash into a bridge and ctb that way. SI is a c***

Be very cautious with that method. I did a head to head at 70mph with a huge pick-up truck (I was in a truck too) with no seat belt on and pretty much walked away from it. Given modern vehicles, it is not a reliable method.

 

[BridgeJumper]

I support this, had a girl in my room in psych ward once that drove her car speeding into a tree and got out of it unharmed except for huge bruises all over her body and a dent in her skull

 

[Sweet emotion]

Anyone else on here got it that the ONLY thing, literally, keeping them from ctb is the SI? I have lost all hope in life & enjoy nothing and no activities even slightly now. I kind of wish I was less sane - in a strange way - as then in some way it would be easier to ctb perhaps- the only thing keeping me alive is SI and how relatively complicated (when I cant really focus on anything) it is to obtain SN or other methods recommended on here. Wish I had some super stong anti-anxiety meds-maybe that would help me be able to do partial-my initial chosen method that my mind and body will not let me do!!

I feel the same!e way you do. There is nothing keeping me here. I have nothing to look forward to except physical and emotional pain. Isolation and misery. I wish I didn't have to plan my death two days ahead of time because counting down the hours can drive someone mad. I wish that when I was in one of my seriously depressed moods or one of my agitated moods I could just swallow one pill and go lie down and never wake up. I'm terrified that what I do is not going to work although I don't see how it could fail. There is always going to be doubts in the back of my mind. Why am I so scared to die when I am so scared to live? I think I'm scared of not existing. I wasn't able to do anything with my life since I got sick at 20 so even though I'm in awful pain I'm still alive. I'm not a bunch of ashes in a box with my name etched in it. I'm terrified that I'm not going to work up the courage to do it and I'm going to let myself live for who knows how long in total misery. That's why there should be assisted suicide and not just for people that have six months or less to live. We shouldn't have to worry about our attempt failing and winding up in worse shape than we are now. We shouldn't have to worry about getting caught and winding up in a mental institution. We are dealing with such hard lives, does death have to be as hard too?

 

[MeltingHeart]

I feel the same!e way you do. There is nothing keeping me here. I have nothing to look forward to except physical and emotional pain. Isolation and misery. I wish I didn't have to plan my death two days ahead of time because counting down the hours can drive someone mad. I wish that when I was in one of my seriously depressed moods or one of my agitated moods I could just swallow one pill and go lie down and never wake up. I'm terrified that what I do is not going to work although I don't see how it could fail. There is always going to be doubts in the back of my mind. Why am I so scared to die when I am so scared to live? I think I'm scared of not existing. I wasn't able to do anything with my life since I got sick at 20 so even though I'm in awful pain I'm still alive. I'm not a bunch of ashes in a box with my name etched in it. I'm terrified that I'm not going to work up the courage to do it and I'm going to let myself live for who knows how long in total misery. That's why there should be assisted suicide and not just for people that have six months or less to live. We shouldn't have to worry about our attempt failing and winding up in worse shape than we are now. We shouldn't have to worry about getting caught and winding up in a mental institution. We are dealing with such hard lives, does death have to be as hard too?

I'm sorry you are in such pain. mine is mainly metal and emotional but it's very deep and profound mental agony- it makes me feel physically sick. It's debilitating for me. If I could go to a euthanasia clinic I would get down on my hands and knees and beg them to do it. I know if anyone with a heart could see me- they would want me to/ let me leave this life.

 

[heylightiforgot]

I feel the same!e way you do. There is nothing keeping me here. I have nothing to look forward to except physical and emotional pain. Isolation and misery. I wish I didn't have to plan my death two days ahead of time because counting down the hours can drive someone mad. I wish that when I was in one of my seriously depressed moods or one of my agitated moods I could just swallow one pill and go lie down and never wake up. I'm terrified that what I do is not going to work although I don't see how it could fail. There is always going to be doubts in the back of my mind. Why am I so scared to die when I am so scared to live? I think I'm scared of not existing. I wasn't able to do anything with my life since I got sick at 20 so even though I'm in awful pain I'm still alive. I'm not a bunch of ashes in a box with my name etched in it. I'm terrified that I'm not going to work up the courage to do it and I'm going to let myself live for who knows how long in total misery. That's why there should be assisted suicide and not just for people that have six months or less to live. We shouldn't have to worry about our attempt failing and winding up in worse shape than we are now. We shouldn't have to worry about getting caught and winding up in a mental institution. We are dealing with such hard lives, does death have to be as hard too?

Yes, this is my problem too. I'm sick and have no future, but I am still CONSCIOUS and a person with dreams, desires etc. (Even though I'm basically garbage by social standards at this point). So while I'm looking at life as a total outsider now, the idea of not existing is still too weird. It's not a fair tradeoff.

 

[howard]

I feel the same. I have no purpose, desires or quality of life.
I have the full kit now for an SN exit and have been very very close a few times. There is still a stupid fear of nothingness for eternity and of pain during the process.
I dont think it will take much more of a deterioration to send me off, but this SI sure is a strong force.

 

[heylightiforgot]

I feel the same. I have no purpose, desires or quality of life.
I have the full kit now for an SN exit and have been very very close a few times. There is still a stupid fear of nothingness for eternity and of pain during the process.
I dont think it will take much more of a deterioration to send me off, but this SI sure is a strong force.

Those fears definitely aren't 'stupid'. As a thought experiment, I contemplate approaching a 'normal' person in the street and being like "here, would you like a glass of poison?". Four years ago, I would have kicked you in the shin. For me, it's beyond surreal things have even come this.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I feel the same. I have no purpose, desires or quality of life.
I have the full kit now for an SN exit and have been very very close a few times. There is still a stupid fear of nothingness for eternity and of pain during the process.
I dont think it will take much more of a deterioration to send me off, but this SI sure is a strong force.

Weren't you gonna go to turkey or am I confusing you with someone?

 

[howard]

Weren't you gonna go to turkey or am I confusing you with someone?

Yes I'd planned that. I couldn't get a flight that worked for me and now have nearly run out of money. I'm going to be leaving from shitty, drizzly Manchester UK.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Yes I'd planned that. I couldn't get a flight that worked for me and now have nearly run out of money. I'm going to be leaving from shitty, drizzly Manchester UK.

Ah I thought so. I remember thinking it sounded like a nice plan- last holiday kind of thing- I always wanted to go to turkey myself. Great food. Interesting culture. I'd love to go away to do it- but my emotional state is far to bad to plan/ go anywhere unfortunetly.

 

[BridgeJumper]

I've been thinking... if I ever have to resort to jumping god forbid, I would let the jump happen for me, let it be falling. I would take some strong sleeping pills standing on an uncomfortable edge, me not falling depending on holding onto something. And once sleepiness/sleep kicks in, I'll either have SI receding in favor of wanting to let go, or I'll just fall asleep and lose grip.

Same.
I thought of doing something like that, or choking myself out so I can pass out and fall off when Im unconscious

 

[SawItOnce]

@BridgeJumper1994 , choking yourself wouldn't trigger SI just the same though?