Venting Frozen with fear between life and death

[iF3arD3atH]

I usd to be "normal". But in the last 10 or so years life seems to be overwhelming me.....I've been on a downward spiral, which has only intensified since my parents passing. In the last 1.5 yrs I havent been able to check my emotions. I go thru job after job every few mnths and either quit or get fired. I have lost everything I've ever owned and am living in a motel until the end of the month, at which time I will be homeless. As winter comes on hard.

I have not seen happiness in years and live in a constant state of anxiety, depression and self loathing. Last year I tried to take my life by cutting my wrist and was stopped b4 I could bleed out. I cant stay on my meds, subconsciously I feel its bc of years of side effects from stopping cold Turkey over and over.

So now I have no money, no family or friends and no methods besides a razor blade which for some reason I cant put to my wrist. I see the failure of the last attempt and something stops me.

I dont know if I'm too scared to try again or if it's just the pain I remember. I think about the end of it all and I'll be honest it scares the fuck out of me. I fear the unknown as much as I hate this existence.

I am Frozen in indecision. FML

 

[SinisterKid]

Hi and welcome to SS.

Death scares most people, its the unknown, perfectly reasonable. Having died, I can tell you its nothing to fear, but that is my own experience and I dont expect anyone to take my word for it. Now, because I have that experience, I have my method and all I need to achieve death, living appears a little more bearable. I can go tomorrow if I choose to and that calms me greatly.

I have no answers for you. I am not homeless or facing becoming homeless. I have enough money to live on and to pay the bills. I have been to the deepest parts of my being and back twice and its not pretty. I have attempted twice and failed twice. Like you, I was fine until 11 years ago. Now I am disabled, brain damaged and suicidal half the time and depressed. But I am still here.

Whatever happens, you will find support, compassion and empathy here. If that makes anything slightly more bearable for you, then it makes your time here worthwhile.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

I like your words. It's true that having a ready option makes life easier. It's almost like owning the key to a door that you can open at any time and leave if the room gets too hot.

I too have two ways planned out, CO or H, or both (as overkill ). This has made life significantly easier.

I don't really have any serious illness physiological or otherwise. I'm able to care for my family's needs. I just feel so tired of life's constant struggle.

At this point I'm only hanging on for my family's sake. OP, you are not alone in this. I'm deeply sorry for your dilemma.

 

[iF3arD3atH]

thank you both. When I say I have no friends, that wasnt always the case. It was after my attempt that everyone walked away bc I couldnt hide my pain any longer. They saw me as broken and in today's society we all know what u do with something broken. I thank you for accepting what I said and not judging. It really does feel nice to be understood, I've spent the last few years being told my thoughts and feeling were wrong.

I just joined this forum and know none of u. But I feel your pain, understand it and i wish everyone here peace in whatever decisions u make for yourselves.

 

[SinisterKid]

Yeah, everyone I knew and thought of as a friend, bar one, is gone now. The one who is left I see once a month and shoot the shit over a few beers, which is always a welcome distraction. My little family stood by me and this one good friend, thats it.

Nothing wrong about pain and suffering, no matter its cause. Ideation is natural in my book when the pain gets too much, which is what happens for some of us. Broken? nah. Just hurting a whole lot more than any of us deserve to.

 

[Lucet]

Hi and welcome to SS.

Death scares most people, its the unknown, perfectly reasonable. Having died, I can tell you its nothing to fear, but that is my own experience and I dont expect anyone to take my word for it. Now, because I have that experience, I have my method and all I need to achieve death, living appears a little more bearable. I can go tomorrow if I choose to and that calms me greatly.

I have no answers for you. I am not homeless or facing becoming homeless. I have enough money to live on and to pay the bills. I have been to the deepest parts of my being and back twice and its not pretty. I have attempted twice and failed twice. Like you, I was fine until 11 years ago. Now I am disabled, brain damaged and suicidal half the time and depressed. But I am still here.

Whatever happens, you will find support, compassion and empathy here. If that makes anything slightly more bearable for you, then it makes your time here worthwhile.

Would you mind sharing your experience with death with us?

 

[justanotherday]

I usd to be "normal". But in the last 10 or so years life seems to be overwhelming me.....I've been on a downward spiral, which has only intensified since my parents passing. In the last 1.5 yrs I havent been able to check my emotions. I go thru job after job every few mnths and either quit or get fired. I have lost everything I've ever owned and am living in a motel until the end of the month, at which time I will be homeless. As winter comes on hard.

I have not seen happiness in years and live in a constant state of anxiety, depression and self loathing. Last year I tried to take my life by cutting my wrist and was stopped b4 I could bleed out. I cant stay on my meds, subconsciously I feel its bc of years of side effects from stopping cold Turkey over and over.

So now I have no money, no family or friends and no methods besides a razor blade which for some reason I cant put to my wrist. I see the failure of the last attempt and something stops me.

I dont know if I'm too scared to try again or if it's just the pain I remember. I think about the end of it all and I'll be honest it scares the fuck out of me. I fear the unknown as much as I hate this existence.

I am Frozen in indecision. FML

I have the same problem with jobs. I also am very worried about the future and lack of funds. I stayed in a motel recently myself. I also have lost most everything that was dear to me. I lost my nice apartment, furniture, a car, my guitars.... I am still grieving the loss of these things. I wish I knew what to tell you, but I don't, because I am broken down from similar problems.

 

[khw777]

Hi and welcome to SS.

Death scares most people, its the unknown, perfectly reasonable. Having died, I can tell you its nothing to fear, but that is my own experience and I dont expect anyone to take my word for it. Now, because I have that experience, I have my method and all I need to achieve death, living appears a little more bearable. I can go tomorrow if I choose to and that calms me greatly.

I have no answers for you. I am not homeless or facing becoming homeless. I have enough money to live on and to pay the bills. I have been to the deepest parts of my being and back twice and its not pretty. I have attempted twice and failed twice. Like you, I was fine until 11 years ago. Now I am disabled, brain damaged and suicidal half the time and depressed. But I am still here.

Whatever happens, you will find support, compassion and empathy here. If that makes anything slightly more bearable for you, then it makes your time here worthwhile.

How did you suffer brain damage.

 

[I’vehadenough]

I fear life much more than death. Like you, I lost everything, just about overnight. I went from being super beautiful, lots of friends and wealthy to completely disfigured, everyone left me and I can't work...since I no longer have a life anyway, death will only bring me to peace, because then I won't have to watch life go on without me. Chris cornell did it, Chester Bennington did it and they had more going for them than me

 

[Wayfaerer]

You have nothing to fear. Death is the status quo of the universe.

 

[lymbo]

I fear life much more than death. Like you, I lost everything, just about overnight. I went from being super beautiful, lots of friends and wealthy to completely disfigured, everyone left me and I can't work...since I no longer have a life anyway, death will only bring me to peace, because then I won't have to watch life go on without me. Chris cornell did it, Chester Bennington did it and they had more going for them than me

are u a fan of gia garangi?

 

[I’vehadenough]

are u a fan of gia garangi?

Lol yes I am. I feel like we had similar lives...being wild models plagued with loneliness and dying young

 

[lymbo]

Lol yes I am. I feel like we had similar lives...being wild models plagued with loneliness and dying young

u are a model too? are u female?

 

[I’vehadenough]

u are a model too? are u female?

I was. Yes, female

 

[lymbo]

I was. Yes, female

sorry to see that u are on the forum here, what s your reason for wantyng to cbt?