Drowning fish
I want to die
- Sep 9, 2020
- 76
This is so long I'm sorry. I hesitated so much before posting this is the first time I ever talk about this part of my story but I need it off my chest. It's okay if you are disgusted with me afterwards but I'd prefer you avoid harsh words. This is also all over the place but yeah.
I was at this point in my life where I only knew the love of a mother whom at the time only loved the projection she had of myself. I craved a deeper kind of love, I wanted to be loved wholeheartedly for who I REALLY was.
I met this attractive person and had sex for the first time. I thought sex meant love and acceptance. But I realised they didn't love me, that didn't matter for too long because I had found out I had the ability to put whoever I wanted in my bed. So quickly, I was turning to one night stands as a mean to feel loved because only in sex did I feel accepted for who I was. Yet again, I was wrong they didn't love me, they barely even knew my name and they didn't even care about it. I was the dumb person who thought it meant they wanted to keep me and I was ready to cut my arm if they had asked me to because it felt good to have 3 seconds of someone holding you close and whispering that you're beautiful.
I was his third side girl, he even had sex with one of them while I was sleeping in his bedroom next to them. Yet I was so sure he loved me because once a month he bought me a 2$ coffee and talked to me while checking the stock market only so he could do me in between meetings.
Then I realised. It wasn't love if it hurt that much, right ? It wasn't love if they never called me back, or only booty called, didn't care when I was ill or whatever. Me who had been the smart girl, the nerd of the classroom, the supposedly "gifted" child, had been so blind and naive that I didn't realise I was meat for dogs. I needed revenge and I decided to fight fire with fire. That's when I started to treat them like objects, I wasn't looking for love anymore just for sex. I had what I called "hunting night" where I would go out and look for the cutest person around sometimes they weren't even that cute but I had an urgent need of being in control by "catching my prey" and earning a few empty compliments from them.
And I became an escort. In a high standing parlour. And I saw ugly and I was part of it. Married dads, engineers, sad lonely men, nice men, men who didn't respect my limits, etc. I quit this industry quickly. I wasn't the one in control anymore, they were. I don't regret selling my body, I regret looking for love in the wrong places and feeling empowered by the wrong things.
I was at this point in my life where I only knew the love of a mother whom at the time only loved the projection she had of myself. I craved a deeper kind of love, I wanted to be loved wholeheartedly for who I REALLY was.
I met this attractive person and had sex for the first time. I thought sex meant love and acceptance. But I realised they didn't love me, that didn't matter for too long because I had found out I had the ability to put whoever I wanted in my bed. So quickly, I was turning to one night stands as a mean to feel loved because only in sex did I feel accepted for who I was. Yet again, I was wrong they didn't love me, they barely even knew my name and they didn't even care about it. I was the dumb person who thought it meant they wanted to keep me and I was ready to cut my arm if they had asked me to because it felt good to have 3 seconds of someone holding you close and whispering that you're beautiful.
I was his third side girl, he even had sex with one of them while I was sleeping in his bedroom next to them. Yet I was so sure he loved me because once a month he bought me a 2$ coffee and talked to me while checking the stock market only so he could do me in between meetings.
Then I realised. It wasn't love if it hurt that much, right ? It wasn't love if they never called me back, or only booty called, didn't care when I was ill or whatever. Me who had been the smart girl, the nerd of the classroom, the supposedly "gifted" child, had been so blind and naive that I didn't realise I was meat for dogs. I needed revenge and I decided to fight fire with fire. That's when I started to treat them like objects, I wasn't looking for love anymore just for sex. I had what I called "hunting night" where I would go out and look for the cutest person around sometimes they weren't even that cute but I had an urgent need of being in control by "catching my prey" and earning a few empty compliments from them.
And I became an escort. In a high standing parlour. And I saw ugly and I was part of it. Married dads, engineers, sad lonely men, nice men, men who didn't respect my limits, etc. I quit this industry quickly. I wasn't the one in control anymore, they were. I don't regret selling my body, I regret looking for love in the wrong places and feeling empowered by the wrong things.