From afraid of death to craving death

[suffering]

When I was very young, I was deeply afraid of death. The through of mortality was extremely troubling and it made me seek answers in religion for a while, because I left like I can't cope with the idea of me dying.
As time passed, I accepted mortality (somewhere in my mid twenties). At that point, it felt like a brave thing, like a psychological breakthrough. Looking back though, I think it was just me beginning to be tired of life and losing interesting in 'eternal life'.
Even more years passed, and I started CRAVING death. Philosophical reasons (Pessimism, antinatalism, misanthropy), mixed with personal economical problems, aging, etc. However, my attempts to overcome my survival instinct have proved to be futile. It left as if I could never do it.
But I see a trend. I evolve over time. I used to be extremely pain adverse (where even a dentist visit would feel like torture) and now I can tolerate medical interventions with more ease. My instinct of self preservation is diminishing with time.
I think maybe in the future I will be able to end my life. I really hope so.

 

[restingspot]

Oddly beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

It is interesting to reflect on the things I've said and thought over time and realize that my mind really is it's own entity that's constantly changing and evolving. At any given moment it feels to me like the way I think about and process the world is pretty accurate and reasonable, but I'm able to look back at thoughts and feelings I've had in the past and say that they were definitely not reasonable or were based on flawed understanding.

I think a useful thing we can take from this in the context of recovery is realizing that if we step back and look at our mindsets a little more objectively we can see that there is always room for growth and improvement. Even if things feel bad now and that feeling seems totally reasonable, you could easily be looking back on it in a few years thinking you were crazy for ever thinking so negatively. Our brains are an ongoing project that is never finished.

Sorry for deep posting, just seemed relevant.