Story Friendship Breakup During Recent Suicidal Crisis

[mysideofthemountain]

About nine months ago I had a pretty severe suicidal crisis. I'm finally ready to talk about it. This is just one of my stories, and I don't need anyone to read it. I think being able to write about it as honestly as possible will be helpful.

I've struggled with pretty chronic suicidal ideation my entire life as a result of truly tragic, complex, and long-lasting child abuse. Maybe I will tell the story of that abuse another day, if anyone is interested.

I've also been in and out of therapy for this. Some therapists sucked. Some didn't. However, i was sort of in "denial" or "unaware" of how bad the abuse I experienced was. About six years ago, I randomly read `The Body Keeps the Score` after someone recommended it to me. I recognized a many trauma symptoms in myself because of the book. So, at the same time, and for the first time, I sought out a trauma-informed counselor and basically was like: was I abused badly? Was this severe? And the answer was "yes."

I worked with that counselor and was getting a lot better at being able to manage my moods, emotional flooding, the maladaptive behaviors that arise as a result of my emotional flooding, and my suicidal ideation. There was a time where I didn't even have any suicidal ideation at all. This went on from basically 2021-2023.

In 2023 I had to take care of a family member on hospice, which meant I had to move and quit therapy with the counselor who was helping. When the family member died and I moved back, that counselor had left the practice. I never prioritized finding another because I really was just like...mostly okay. No real mood issues, no sleep disturbances, no suicidal ideation.

Then, in 2024, the CEO of my company (a dying startup) started trying to get my department to work "harder" by which he meant put in "more hours" to help the business "win". Except ... he didn't have any clear business goals. He just wanted my department to produce a bunch of stuff as quickly as possible and see if he could sell any of it. It was like the business equivalent of throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what stuck. I got caught up in this and was working like 80 hours a week and was exhausted. During that same year, I was raped and really struggled from it.

Around the same time, a friend of mine in the same industry was looking for a new job. I knew I didn't want to be in this job with the condescending, poor-planning CEO. The friend and I decided to work together to prepare for interviews. We did this while I was recovering from the rape and 80 hour work weeks. She knew about the work, but not about the rape. I was doing my best to keep it all together, but some things were slipping through and some of my mood issues, maladaptive emotional flooding behaviors, and suicidal ideation came back. The friend could tell, maybe not all of it, but continued to meet with me and rely on me for preparing for interviews.

After about six months of prep, she got a great job offer. I kept getting rejected, which just made me feel worse. When she got her great job offer she thanked me for helping her prep, said she couldn't have done it without me, and called me, and i quote, an "invaluable friend". In response, I then told her that I would be sad to lose her friendship when she moves on to a new job, since our study sessions were coming to an end (nota bene: we had met at work, but had become real friends, or so I thought, based on what she said). She replied that she felt the same way as me and that she wanted to, and I quote, "keep [me] in [her] constellation of closest friends." Then, to make it clear, she named me, my literal name, alongside the names of her two closest friends from others parts of her life. I thought we were real friends based on this and so many other things. But, as I kept getting rejected and began to struggle with mental health more and more as a result of the rejections, she began to push me away.

Finally, in December, I got rejected from a job in the final round of an interview. I had gotten evaluated as "yes" from all the interviewers except the final one. This rejection triggered me to active suicidal ideation. I reached out to the friend I had prepped with. I told her "I don't think I'm going to be okay this time." I asked her to talk with me so I could stay calm and safe. I also was already not in my right mind. I kept also saying things like: "your life would be better without me, wouldn't it? I hate myself." She did talk with me for a bit...and then just disappeared.

I began to decline rapidly over a period of hours and my panic increased to the point of totally consuming me by the end of the day. No matter what I did, I simply couldn't calm myself down. I reached out for helping; I texted a lot of people, this friend included. I begging someone, anyone for help. No one was responding. Finally, the person who raped me did, and brought me to a bar and I began drinking. This did not help my mental state (obviously; alcohol almost never does). I began to impulsively plan a way to kill myself (I tried to duct tape a trash bag around my neck, which doesn't work, btw). The friend finally responded around the same time I was doing this and said: "hey I was at a concert? are you okay?" I begged her to help me. Literally "please help. please. please help me." I told her I was going to hurt myself. She suggested I go to the hospital (which, as an aside, if you don't know...ERs are bad for mental health crises and will likely involuntarily detain you for up to 72 hours, take away your agency/freedoms, and there's a chance you end up in jail). After that she just...disappeared. Entirely.

I wasn't successful in CTB. A week later she sent me an e-mail saying she was "not in a position to offer me the kind of friendship that you need[ed]" and that she "wish[ed] me peace on [my] journey of healing." I felt AWFUL. And abandoned. And betrayed. And alone. At this point, I reached out to another friend, one who also knew I was struggling and with whom I had been friends for 15 years. This second person is someone who had called and texted me constantly while going through a divorce from an abusive husband and while I won't say I was perfect (who ever is?) I did my best to make myself available to her. I said to her: "Hey we're still friends right?" and she said "haha yes of course we're friends." Then I explained what happened. I didn't feel good but everything seemed "normal". Then, four hours later, this second friend said "hey actually I wasn't being truthful earlier. in therapy i've been processing what happened between us your senior year of college and i need some space. i wish you nothing but the best." and then blocked me everywhere. What happened our senior year of college is that I started dating someone and stopped being available to give this friend rides places and go to her choir concerts.

These past nine months are probably the most alone I have ever felt. And I have felt truly alone before. What has changed is that I am now certain that no one is there for me, that no one cherishes me or values me. My family of origin has never been supportful. I don't have friends either.

We are nine months out from this and....while I'm not actively in a suicidal crisis anymore, I have become hard and bitter. Angry.

The lesson I learned from this is that it doesn't matter how good you are or how generous you are with those you love: even the tiniest bit of suicidal ideation and pain will disqualify you from love and support. What I learned is that there is no space to witness hurt or pain in another person. What i learned is that friendship is a convenience, a transaction, and as soon as you, as a human being, are ever so slightly inconvenient you are then disqualified from friendship. What I learned is that you should never try to be good to anyone, because no one will be good to you.

I am not actively suicidal right now, but I can't imagine that my suicidal ideation goes away. I find myself wondering what happens next time I feel this way. Who will I reach out to? Likely no one. And it seems that me reaching out to no one is what those who claimed to love me wanted.

Thank you for giving me a space to get this off my chest. I appreciate it.

 

[hoppybunny]

So sorry this happened to you. I'm happy you're doing better

I wish i could provide more words of comfort.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

So sorry this happened to you. I'm happy you're doing better

I wish i could provide more words of comfort.

Thank you. It is a comfort to be seen and understood as someone who needed and didn't deserve to lose friends over it.

I hope you're well.

 

[hoppybunny]

Thank you. It is a comfort to be seen and understood as someone who needed and didn't deserve to lose friends over it.

I hope you're well.

If it makes u feel better, those people were not your friends. They just needed someone to help them but had no intentions of returning the favour. I don't know why but kind ppl are always treated like garbage by people.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

If it makes u feel better, those people were not your friends. They just needed someone to help them but had no intentions of returning the favour. I don't know why but kind ppl are always treated like garbage by people.

Oh, yes. You are correct....sadly. I thought they were my friends. I loved them very much. I thought we understood and felt the same way about one another. I know now that this is not true. I know you are correct. There is grief in that.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I've had similar experiences. I've lost most of my human relationships from my autism/ADHD/bipolar trifecta. I've learned that I can only have people with similar issues as friends. The truth is, it's too scary and overwhelming for the average person to hear about suicide. They assume you are crying out to them for help and feel bad about not knowing how to help. I now have two friends who can tolerate me talking about suicide because they have the same diagnoses and pro-choice opinions. My advice is to go looking for the weird girls.

 

[avalokitesvara]

The unfortunate thing is that both those women did what is currently considered the right thing to do. Wielding therapy-speak to "establish boundaries" when faced with someone who is in need of more than just a transactional business-like "friendship". It's utterly bleak and shows the complete lack of empathy and humanity that exists in 95% of people. However, for "normies", it is a lot to deal with to have a friend completely lose it over a "regular" situation like not getting a job. Someone without MH issues and trauma themselves will be completely at a loss how to handle that... But to drop you completely as a friend is too cruel. I understand why you have hardened yourself, especially with your other trauma.

It sounds like you were doing better when you had a decent therapist. I think you could prioritise finding another good therapeutic relationship. That could also be a safety vent you can turn to when you need to reach out for support at difficult times.

 

[Trazyn]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

I grew up with bad abuse. I was also raped twice when I was younger. Like you, I've been struggling For a long time I was in denial about my mental health. Even when I was able to reach out for help, there was either nobody there or it resulted in a friendship or relationship loss. I'm pretty sure that most people I've lost in my life are because I have struggled with the way I interact with people after the abuse, and because I've been asking people for support that they couldn't or wouldn't provide. When you go through stuff like this, you're always told to tell people you're struggling. But in my experience that often makes it worse because, things like you experienced happen. I'm scared to open up to people anymore, because I never know how they'll react and I've already lost almost everyone. Like you I have no suicidal plans at the moment, but they're always there, just waiting for my mood to drop and me to start struggling again. It's lonely trying to navigate this every day without friends to support you. I don't know if that helps you, but hopefully it makes you feel less alone in your experiences.

I've had similar experiences. I've lost most of my human relationships from my autism/ADHD/bipolar trifecta. I've learned that I can only have people with similar issues as friends. The truth is, it's too scary and overwhelming for the average person to hear about suicide. They assume you are crying out to them for help and feel bad about not knowing how to help. I now have two friends who can tolerate me talking about suicide because they have the same diagnoses and pro-choice opinions. My advice is to go looking for the weird girls.

Yeah, me too. I've found when talking to people in general, that the best you can expect is that they don't understand. Usually it's worse, they react badly and push you away. I don't like talking to anyone who hasn't had similar experiences or isn't a professional who is paid to listen. Just too much chance of it overwhelming them and it resulting in people getting hurt. I don't want to be hurt by broken relationships anymore, I've had too much of that. And I also don't want to hurt others. So I almost never talk to new people unless I have to, but that leaves me alone and unsupported, which makes everything harder to cope with.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

The unfortunate thing is that both those women did what is currently considered the right thing to do. Wielding therapy-speak to "establish boundaries" when faced with someone who is in need of more than just a transactional business-like "friendship". It's utterly bleak and shows the complete lack of empathy and humanity that exists in 95% of people... But to drop you completely as a friend is too cruel. I understand why you have hardened yourself, especially with your other trauma.

Thank you for understanding. I also use the word "transactional" to describe this approach. I find this approach to friendship very. baffling. I simply can't imagine ending a relationship entirely with someone I love without at least try to talk things over and draw boundaries first. I've come to believe that the transactional nature of this friendship model exclude love and attention and affection almost entirely. It is not a friendship model for me. Part of my hardening is simply realizing: if that's what most people are seeking in friendship then I'm not willing to engage because that's not what I want.

It sounds like you were doing better when you had a decent therapist.

I did. I've been seeing someone over the past nine months. It does help some. I think the difference between this time and the time I described above is that I now know suicidal ideation and trauma can come back no matter how hard I work. I also know that no matter how much I work and grow and get better (and I did; even if I did have a setback) that it won't matter. People still leave. I can take care of myself and learn to manage by myself alone, of course. That matters. But if you want your life to have loving and fulfilling friendships, as I do, it won't matter. No amount of growth will fix a situation where you can't make mistakes or have human needs.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

I grew up with bad abuse. I was also raped twice when I was younger. Like you, I've been struggling For a long time I was in denial about my mental health. Even when I was able to reach out for help, there was either nobody there or it resulted in a friendship or relationship loss. I'm pretty sure that most people I've lost in my life are because I have struggled with the way I interact with people after the abuse, and because I've been asking people for support that they couldn't or wouldn't provide. When you go through stuff like this, you're always told to tell people you're struggling. But in my experience that often makes it worse...

Likewise, I am sorry to hear what has happened to you. I 100% agree with you when you say this: `When you go through stuff like this, you're always told to tell people you're struggling. But in my experience that often makes it worse`

I hope you're getting the support and belonging you need to heal.