Venting Friends that don't care

[redbathingduck]

First off I'm not sure if this is the right category for it or if it should be in recovery or off topic so I apologize in advance in case it doesn't belong here. I don't really have any irl friends but I do have a few online friends that I have known for 7-8 years at this point and share a small discord server with. I'm not really one to talk about my feelings, thoughts or experience with them anymore because I kinda feel like they either don't care at all or just really don't know how to handle it? They're aware of how things have been going for me the past few years with repeated suicide attempts and how much time I've had to spend in psych wards recently. After my most recent CTB attempt some of my friends were posting suicide memes in the discord, like 2 days after my attempt. I know it's become pretty normal for people to joke about the topic and all that and usually I'm just kinda numb to it and I get that it can be a coping mechanism for people as well. After all, making the choice to end your own life isn't really a bad thing and I think people should be free to make that decision if they so desire. Anyways, at the time I thought it was like a bit insensitive and it rubbed me the wrong way, because they were aware of what I just went through and they said stuff like they were glad I ended up okay and stuff, which is fine I guess. I tried telling them how it made me feel at the time but they immediately started defending themselves, one person saying it wasn't really that big of a deal while the other person saying it was their coping mechanism for the anxiety they had for their essay? I don't wanna gatekeep or anything but it just didn't sit right with me. It's totally possible that I'm in the wrong here btw, and feel free to say so if I am. It's not like I wanted to be showered in attention from them but just for them to like care a bit or show some compassion?

Anyway a week or 2 later I messaged them about how I lost weight and was actually kinda proud of myself for once. I immediately got a DM from the person with the anxiety coping mechanism comment saying I was being insensitive because they had an eating disorder for a few months like 10 years ago and it triggered them to see me talk about anything relating to weight? It felt really like tone deaf to me and I was a bit surprised that they thought my personal success was something I shouldn't have posted but the suicide memes were totally fine? I don't mean to mock eating disorders or anything btw, I know they can be really terrible as well. But in this case I just kinda felt like slapped in the face and I just really felt like they didn't care at all, be it me going through a tough time (all the time) or actually being kinda happy about something I accomplished

We voice call sometimes and they'll ask how I'm doing but when I answer honestly they don't really respond to it at all so I just end up saying that I'm fine all the time. I'm aware this post puts my friends in a pretty bad light but I do genuinely care for them a lot and they're like the only people I have in my life. I'm really insecure and have often tried leaving and blocking them all when I make stupid decisions but they always welcome me back without question and things like that I do appreciate, but I often get really insecure that the only people in my life might just not care about me at all or even dislike me? And they just tolerate me because they're being nice and I have been around their group for so long? Has anyone had similar experiences with people close to you seeming really uncaring or just not really knowing how to act around you?

 

[CandyK__]

I had similar experiences with a friend who was mocking my other friends for being part LGBTQ+ community, not knowing I was also a part of it. I said that it's not funny what he's doing but, he didn't really listen. Then by coincidence He met some of them and realized that he was being jerk all this time, and stopped.

Another friend with whom I had similar situation just stopped talking to me at all.

Generally I'd recommend to voice how that makes you feel, and if it doesn't work maybe those are not the best people to talk about this kind of issues about with. You can try to make them more sensitive, but it's hard work, to make someone care. And in the first place you have to care about that person a lot to want to make the understand. Sometimes it's possible, not always.

 

[redbathingduck]

Thank you for your reply. It sucks that your friend was like that but it's good that he did change his mind eventually. People don't realize how insensitive they can be sometimes. Sorry that you lost your other friend too

Me and most of my friends are LGBTQ as well so I have luckily never had to deal with that from someone I consider a friend at least. For me it feels weird because they're all pretty like caring and understanding about mental illness most of the time, like we have a venting channel in the discord that they use a lot (I stopped using it myself) but it's always more minor things (don't want to downplay it or anything) and it feels like they don't really know how to deal with me specifically and it just comes across odd to me when they act super supportive to someone that's anxious for an essay or has a bad ADHD day but often ignore when I open up about myself or my problems. Obviously this is a very self-centered issue I have and it probably is that they don't know how to deal with heavier topics but it really does make me feel like they don't care at all sometimes, and they're like the only people I really have in my life still. I've tried making other friends over the years but it's never really lead to anything. I wish they would just tell me if they didn't know how to support me I guess or maybe I am just naive and they don't really care at all. Thanks for your advice and sorry for the negativity

 

[BornHated]

Spoiler: Original Message

First off I'm not sure if this is the right category for it or if it should be in recovery or off topic so I apologize in advance in case it doesn't belong here. I don't really have any irl friends but I do have a few online friends that I have known for 7-8 years at this point and share a small discord server with. I'm not really one to talk about my feelings, thoughts or experience with them anymore because I kinda feel like they either don't care at all or just really don't know how to handle it? They're aware of how things have been going for me the past few years with repeated suicide attempts and how much time I've had to spend in psych wards recently. After my most recent CTB attempt some of my friends were posting suicide memes in the discord, like 2 days after my attempt. I know it's become pretty normal for people to joke about the topic and all that and usually I'm just kinda numb to it and I get that it can be a coping mechanism for people as well. After all, making the choice to end your own life isn't really a bad thing and I think people should be free to make that decision if they so desire. Anyways, at the time I thought it was like a bit insensitive and it rubbed me the wrong way, because they were aware of what I just went through and they said stuff like they were glad I ended up okay and stuff, which is fine I guess. I tried telling them how it made me feel at the time but they immediately started defending themselves, one person saying it wasn't really that big of a deal while the other person saying it was their coping mechanism for the anxiety they had for their essay? I don't wanna gatekeep or anything but it just didn't sit right with me. It's totally possible that I'm in the wrong here btw, and feel free to say so if I am. It's not like I wanted to be showered in attention from them but just for them to like care a bit or show some compassion?

Anyway a week or 2 later I messaged them about how I lost weight and was actually kinda proud of myself for once. I immediately got a DM from the person with the anxiety coping mechanism comment saying I was being insensitive because they had an eating disorder for a few months like 10 years ago and it triggered them to see me talk about anything relating to weight? It felt really like tone deaf to me and I was a bit surprised that they thought my personal success was something I shouldn't have posted but the suicide memes were totally fine? I don't mean to mock eating disorders or anything btw, I know they can be really terrible as well. But in this case I just kinda felt like slapped in the face and I just really felt like they didn't care at all, be it me going through a tough time (all the time) or actually being kinda happy about something I accomplished

We voice call sometimes and they'll ask how I'm doing but when I answer honestly they don't really respond to it at all so I just end up saying that I'm fine all the time. I'm aware this post puts my friends in a pretty bad light but I do genuinely care for them a lot and they're like the only people I have in my life. I'm really insecure and have often tried leaving and blocking them all when I make stupid decisions but they always welcome me back without question and things like that I do appreciate, but I often get really insecure that the only people in my life might just not care about me at all or even dislike me? And they just tolerate me because they're being nice and I have been around their group for so long? Has anyone had similar experiences with people close to you seeming really uncaring or just not really knowing how to act around you?

Hey there. I feel you- I've had similar cases with a few friends and I've actually ended up cutting contact with them eventually precisely because of this sort of bad vibe. A lot of the time it doesn't get better, and I have such limited energy that I actually prefer to be alone and ruminate how to fix my issues or find new circles related to my interests. Friendships where you have to doubt whether they care are usually not very supportive ones; We can feel warmth right away. I've found trusting my guts to work out a lot better for me in the long run.

The one about the eating disorder... No, I think I understand what you mean. The way that was phrased knowing the background context- getting defensive over you opening up that it hurt you feels like a red flag to me. That follow-up could be her trying to shame you as a nasty way of "revenge" (which STRONGLY implies she doesn't regret hurting you in the first place and is mostly resentful you called her out on it imho). That in particular sticks out to me and makes me uncomfortable, too.
The other ones are likely just detached or might even be avoiding rocking the boat if they know some closer person to the group (like this red flag one) dislikes you, since it could lead to her seething more if she really does dislike you that much and thus start targeting you more.

Regardless of their intentions or feelings...
Not all friendships last forever. The healthiest moments in my life have been when I realized I outgrew certain circles, especially when I felt brushed aside despite consistently trying my best to support them and give the benefit of the doubt, trying to rekindle the relationship over the course of years. 1 good close friend can be SO much more rewarding than group interactions. I think group interactions are more for light, communal activities anyways- Maybe try dedicated support groups for the deeper healing work you seek, though sadly I don't know much about how to find them.

No need to make a scene of leaving, either. You can just go to new servers, sites, communities... This isn't like, a life partner or work or anything. You can reply to a concerned buddy in DMs, but I'd check in with how you feel inside every step of the way.
Personally, when I was dealing with a similar situation and I knew with confidence one of them had it out for me, I ditched that account and made a new one to find new gaming buddies. I live happier knowing they can't keep tabs on me, lol.

HELLA empathize with you there, I find it really hard to make friends as I don't interact often either online or offline. It just takes a lot of patience and self-will, and sometimes I do need to be on my own for a while to reflect on and work on my issues. I'm struggling too, but I'm trying to hold out for some things in hopes I can find a close friend or somehow manage to help someone out along the way.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry for the huge text wall, I try to make my replies more concise but I kept cutting sentences just to add more LOL
I hope things improve, please don't give up, and fight for every scrap of mirth you can get from stuff you can enjoy on your own (series, games, hobbies, etc). They keep you in touch with yourself and can help open new paths for you.

 

[Brave_it_Shiru]

People have certain expectations when it comes to their circles of friends. It seems like you do too.
I hope you find friends that make you feel safe in this lifetime ❤

 

[redbathingduck]

Spoiler

Hey there. I feel you- I've had similar cases with a few friends and I've actually ended up cutting contact with them eventually precisely because of this sort of bad vibe. A lot of the time it doesn't get better, and I have such limited energy that I actually prefer to be alone and ruminate how to fix my issues or find new circles related to my interests. Friendships where you have to doubt whether they care are usually not very supportive ones; We can feel warmth right away. I've found trusting my guts to work out a lot better for me in the long run.

The one about the eating disorder... No, I think I understand what you mean. The way that was phrased knowing the background context- getting defensive over you opening up that it hurt you feels like a red flag to me. That follow-up could be her trying to shame you as a nasty way of "revenge" (which STRONGLY implies she doesn't regret hurting you in the first place and is mostly resentful you called her out on it imho). That in particular sticks out to me and makes me uncomfortable, too.
The other ones are likely just detached or might even be avoiding rocking the boat if they know some closer person to the group (like this red flag one) dislikes you, since it could lead to her seething more if she really does dislike you that much and thus start targeting you more.

Regardless of their intentions or feelings...
Not all friendships last forever. The healthiest moments in my life have been when I realized I outgrew certain circles, especially when I felt brushed aside despite consistently trying my best to support them and give the benefit of the doubt, trying to rekindle the relationship over the course of years. 1 good close friend can be SO much more rewarding than group interactions. I think group interactions are more for light, communal activities anyways- Maybe try dedicated support groups for the deeper healing work you seek, though sadly I don't know much about how to find them.

No need to make a scene of leaving, either. You can just go to new servers, sites, communities... This isn't like, a life partner or work or anything. You can reply to a concerned buddy in DMs, but I'd check in with how you feel inside every step of the way.
Personally, when I was dealing with a similar situation and I knew with confidence one of them had it out for me, I ditched that account and made a new one to find new gaming buddies. I live happier knowing they can't keep tabs on me, lol.

HELLA empathize with you there, I find it really hard to make friends as I don't interact often either online or offline. It just takes a lot of patience and self-will, and sometimes I do need to be on my own for a while to reflect on and work on my issues. I'm struggling too, but I'm trying to hold out for some things in hopes I can find a close friend or somehow manage to help someone out along the way.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry for the huge text wall, I try to make my replies more concise but I kept cutting sentences just to add more LOL
I hope things improve, please don't give up, and fight for every scrap of mirth you can get from stuff you can enjoy on your own (series, games, hobbies, etc). They keep you in touch with yourself and can help open new paths for you.

Hey, thank you for the lengthy reply. I don't mind the wall of text at all. I've considered that just cutting them off might be for the best if they make me feel so unwanted and insecure, but on the other hand I'm scared of losing some of the only people I have in my life. Maybe I should consider trusting my gut like you have I suppose. I don't have much energy either and I'm fine with being alone, whether I have always been more of a loner or if I just have kinda accepted that it's easier I'm not sure about.

You're very right about friendships not lasting forever. I used to have irl friends but I would just kept getting brushed away and eventually abandoned, no matter how close we used to be. It seems like they always end up one-sided with me being the only one caring and suffering from it in the end. I have pretty much given up on making new friends. I'm not really interested in deeper support groups like you mentioned but thank you for the advice regardless. To me it would feel a bit artificial and something like that wouldn't really help me with my feelings of loneliness. I feel like I'm not expecting a lot from my current friends especially because they seem so caring to each other about minor issues but it's true that I could be expecting too much or just don't really fit in anymore.

Yeah I don't think I'd ever make a scene or anything like that. It's not something I'm interested in and if I did decide to leave them behind it wouldn't really be out of resentment I think. Just ditching the account can be a good step at some point too though I feel like it would be hard for me to find new gaming buddies or anything like that.

I hope you'll be able to find something like a close friend that will genuinely care about you. Again no worries about the text wall, I appreciate you taking the time to make a well thought-out response. It's been hard for me to engage in any hobbies or games like I used to, because like anything else it's just hard to do anything and I struggle finding enjoyment out of them nowadays. I wish I could like them as I used to but it seems far off for now. Good luck to you as well with everything