Friend lashes out on me

[Lotus]

Can someone give me some input? I've known him for over a year and a half, but we have spent so much time together that we know each other pretty well. We usually have a good time, but when you spend so much time together it's normal with highs and lows (or idk, I don't have many friends), which we have experienced. When this happens he lashes out on me and says that the whole day is ruined and he questions why this happens, and he acts like it's the end of the world. This entire year he's been telling me that we had a much better time when we first met. Everything was better back then, according to him. I'm getting so upset. Yesterday, after that he had lashed out, I told him that I was just trying to tell him something that bothered me (it was nothing really), and that it was unnecessary to talk about everything that has happened in the past and that we could get over this easily by just talking together. I also said that I didn't appreciate that he lashed out on me like that, and that we can talk to each other as grown ups. Things got tiring. He didn't say anything more than the usual negative, and that it shouldn't be like that. I took the bus home. I told him that I was very disappointed, and that I felt like I was the only one who wanted to continue this friendship. He says that he's sorry that he hurt me and talked to me like that, that I'm better off without him, and that this has become a thing we can't encounter. So I'm very upset. This has happened before, but I feel like this was the final straw.

I need guidance from you guys to help me understand what I'm doing. I'm here, so I struggle obviously a lot. I'm struggling with depression and anxiety, and childhood trauma. I'm not naturally good with people. I try to be open and honest, and communicate my feelings, but I find it sometimes hard to get in touch with my feelings and act on them in the "right way". I often get quiet, and leave people before I get abandoned (like I did yesterday with my friend). It was my choice after all to leave. Idk... We didn't really get anywhere anyway, so I felt like nothing held me back. He didn't fight.

Is it me? Is it both? I find this so hard. I don't wanna lose a friend, but I don't wanna be a pushover either, and I don't want to be unfair. I need someone else to have a look at this. Why should it even be this hard? If it's me, I really want (gentle) feedback, and advice on how to work on this. I hope someone can help.

And no, we don't have any feelings for each other just so that's out of the question.

 

[minamin]

Every friendship does have its highs and lows, but this kind of repeated behavior is definitely out of the ordinary (at least in my opinion) and is definitely not healthy for the either of you... it goes without saying but a "friend" who is making you feel like this/saying things were better in the past does not really seem like a friend to me. I'm friends with people who also have the same social attributes you have and I feel like at this point your friend should be able to accept/understand at least a baseline these things and socialize with you accordingly, as I am with mine.

At the same time, his comment about how you're better off without him might imply he's going something himself? If possible, maybe try to ask why he feels that way (or why he feels like things were better before)? But if he refuses to open up or change the way he interacts with you, i think it would be healthier for you in the long run to end the friendship, because there's only so much you can take on before it gets too much...

Hope things get better :(

 

[Makko]

Sounds like he's worse off than you.

 

[domedune]

I'm sorry about your situation. I feel like I don't have a lot of context. You said you were trying to tell him something that bothered you. Is it possible he took it personally? People can take things personally even if those things have nothing to do with them. Someone who is like that may see you complaining around them as you not having a good time in general around them.

If that's the case, and he takes little things personal, I would try to emphasize how what you were trying to say (and similar things) have nothing to do with him, and maybe try to put a positive spin on it, if it's honest. "I feel comfortable confiding in you", "I like talking to you about negative things too cos you're my friend", or something else if possible.

If it was something actually personal or semi-personal (i.e. "your kitchen is dirty"), you can do one of a number of things. You can keep it to yourself. You can explain to him that you're saying such things as comments and not as insults. You can say such things and deal with the backlash. It's up to you. If you have trouble telling the difference between statements that can be reasonably perceived as insults, and just statements, try turning what you see as "just statements" into insults in your head to get more perspective ("the floor is dirty" becomes "your floor is dirty" becomes "your floor is dirty because you are a slob").

There's also the chance he wants to pick fights with you and becomes easily provoked due to this desire. Some people act worse the longer you know them so I wouldn't rule it out.

I hope it works out for the best.

 

[timf]

Most friendships blossom, settle into a routine, start to show cracks, and finally people move on. There are many reasons for this. Some move to another area, some get another job, some become busy, or other change.

Some people get more longevity by keeping a relationship at the level of acquaintanceship rather than the deeper friendship. The deeper you go in a relationship the more vulnerable each person is to being hurt by the other.

 

[Remember-Me-Not]

This is just one perspective, not sure if this will help:

I was that friend who lashed out at people. I have C-PTSD and depression, to explain my lashing out and irritability, but it does NOT justify them.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know the extent of your friendship, but it sounds like he needs to understand and figure something out about his mood swings or negativity (I say mood swings because I had crappy mood swings.)

You're a good friend for trying to stick through... but also remember to take care of yourself, which also could mean re-evaluating the relationships you have with others and seeing if you need to step back or cut them off.

If I went back in time, I would tell my friend who I hurt the most to just avoid me and to not to take shit from anyone, and to know that her time and energy is too valuable to be wasting it on dealing with me.

 

[Lotus]

Every friendship does have its highs and lows, but this kind of repeated behavior is definitely out of the ordinary (at least in my opinion) and is definitely not healthy for the either of you... it goes without saying but a "friend" who is making you feel like this/saying things were better in the past does not really seem like a friend to me. I'm friends with people who also have the same social attributes you have and I feel like at this point your friend should be able to accept/understand at least a baseline these things and socialize with you accordingly, as I am with mine.

At the same time, his comment about how you're better off without him might imply he's going something himself? If possible, maybe try to ask why he feels that way (or why he feels like things were better before)? But if he refuses to open up or change the way he interacts with you, i think it would be healthier for you in the long run to end the friendship, because there's only so much you can take on before it gets too much...

Hope things get better :(

Thank you so much for your input. I told him what I felt about this, and after a long time he said he was sorry and that he will try to change his negative attitude. I don't know if he's able to do that, but I appreciate that he is willing to try. I don't wanna be unfair. He has experienced both adultery and lying in previous relationships, and since we're so close, I think that he's bringing those experiences into our friendship. At least, that's how he explains it when he tries to talk about it. We have our differences, but I just want to be treated with respect when we're in a disagreement. I'm too messed up to be a rock for someone else when I'm barely able to take care of myself.

This is just one perspective, not sure if this will help:

I was that friend who lashed out at people. I have C-PTSD and depression, to explain my lashing out and irritability, but it does NOT justify them.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know the extent of your friendship, but it sounds like he needs to understand and figure something out about his mood swings or negativity (I say mood swings because I had crappy mood swings.)

You're a good friend for trying to stick through... but also remember to take care of yourself, which also could mean re-evaluating the relationships you have with others and seeing if you need to step back or cut them off.

If I went back in time, I would tell my friend who I hurt the most to just avoid me and to not to take shit from anyone, and to know that her time and energy is too valuable to be wasting it on dealing with me.

Thank you for your perspective. I appreciate all kinds of thoughts. I also think that he has some things to figure out. He has talked about it sometimes, but I don't wanna push him into anything before he is ready. I think it's gonna take a long time for him to figure this out though. Thank you for your nice words. I try to be there, but I know that I'm very sensitive about stuff.

We have talked a little, and we're going to the movies tomorrow, so I hope this will turn out okay.

I'm sorry about your situation. I feel like I don't have a lot of context. You said you were trying to tell him something that bothered you. Is it possible he took it personally? People can take things personally even if those things have nothing to do with them. Someone who is like that may see you complaining around them as you not having a good time in general around them.

If that's the case, and he takes little things personal, I would try to emphasize how what you were trying to say (and similar things) have nothing to do with him, and maybe try to put a positive spin on it, if it's honest. "I feel comfortable confiding in you", "I like talking to you about negative things too cos you're my friend", or something else if possible.

If it was something actually personal or semi-personal (i.e. "your kitchen is dirty"), you can do one of a number of things. You can keep it to yourself. You can explain to him that you're saying such things as comments and not as insults. You can say such things and deal with the backlash. It's up to you. If you have trouble telling the difference between statements that can be reasonably perceived as insults, and just statements, try turning what you see as "just statements" into insults in your head to get more perspective ("the floor is dirty" becomes "your floor is dirty" becomes "your floor is dirty because you are a slob").

There's also the chance he wants to pick fights with you and becomes easily provoked due to this desire. Some people act worse the longer you know them so I wouldn't rule it out.

I hope it works out for the best.

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I know it has a lot to do with the context, and I wasn't sure how I was gonna share so much without turning it into a novel. We know each other so well, so I guess some of our worst habits have been more visible for each other by the time. We are different, and we have our different issues in life. I also think that you're a little right with the last one. It's like he says the day is ruined, and then the day gets ruined. I know we also have our ups and downs in life in general, and that we have had stressful moments, so I'm sure that it affects his (and my) state of mind. Thanks again, you're giving me a lot of advice and lots to think about.

Most friendships blossom, settle into a routine, start to show cracks, and finally people move on. There are many reasons for this. Some move to another area, some get another job, some become busy, or other change.

Some people get more longevity by keeping a relationship at the level of acquaintanceship rather than the deeper friendship. The deeper you go in a relationship the more vulnerable each person is to being hurt by the other.

Thank you for your honest reply. I agree with what you're saying, although theory is a little easier than practicing it.

 

[summers]

@Lotus sounds like your friend is a man-child who has a tantrum when he doesn't get his way. Tell him to stfu and go home when he acts like that. Act like a child, get sent to your room like one.

 

[Kattt]

Can someone give me some input? I've known him for over a year and a half, but we have spent so much time together that we know each other pretty well. We usually have a good time, but when you spend so much time together it's normal with highs and lows (or idk, I don't have many friends), which we have experienced. When this happens he lashes out on me and says that the whole day is ruined and he questions why this happens, and he acts like it's the end of the world. This entire year he's been telling me that we had a much better time when we first met. Everything was better back then, according to him. I'm getting so upset. Yesterday, after that he had lashed out, I told him that I was just trying to tell him something that bothered me (it was nothing really), and that it was unnecessary to talk about everything that has happened in the past and that we could get over this easily by just talking together. I also said that I didn't appreciate that he lashed out on me like that, and that we can talk to each other as grown ups. Things got tiring. He didn't say anything more than the usual negative, and that it shouldn't be like that. I took the bus home. I told him that I was very disappointed, and that I felt like I was the only one who wanted to continue this friendship. He says that he's sorry that he hurt me and talked to me like that, that I'm better off without him, and that this has become a thing we can't encounter. So I'm very upset. This has happened before, but I feel like this was the final straw.

I need guidance from you guys to help me understand what I'm doing. I'm here, so I struggle obviously a lot. I'm struggling with depression and anxiety, and childhood trauma. I'm not naturally good with people. I try to be open and honest, and communicate my feelings, but I find it sometimes hard to get in touch with my feelings and act on them in the "right way". I often get quiet, and leave people before I get abandoned (like I did yesterday with my friend). It was my choice after all to leave. Idk... We didn't really get anywhere anyway, so I felt like nothing held me back. He didn't fight.

Is it me? Is it both? I find this so hard. I don't wanna lose a friend, but I don't wanna be a pushover either, and I don't want to be unfair. I need someone else to have a look at this. Why should it even be this hard? If it's me, I really want (gentle) feedback, and advice on how to work on this. I hope someone can help.

And no, we don't have any feelings for each other just so that's out of the question.

Simply because you don't sleep together doesn't mean this isn't a relationship. It sounds very much like one and maybe some time apart might be in order so you can bother see things more clearly

 

[Lotus]

So the same thing happened yesterday. He lashed out on me for no reason. After getting pissed, I tried to be the bigger person and told him to take some time, and get back to me if he still wanted to meet me. After a while, he had calmed down and we had a great evening after all. I think that he has some things in his own life he worries about, and that he lashes out on me because I'm the closest person he has right now. So I'll try to be understanding for now, and give him some time and space when he lashes out, and then I'll see how it turns out in the long run.

 

[mossyfox]

No, Lotus this is not you. I went into therapy after I was first diagnosed and had to talk about some things with my ex husband who was my husband then. The therapist explained something in a simple way that I found useful for looking at dysfunctional arguments or arguments with dysfunctional people.

She said think of three spaces people go to: the adult space, the parent space and the child space. The adult space is like when you are saying you want to talk things out like adults, being calm and more rational/reasonable. The parent space is more authoritative and you're trying to take control in an argument and push the other adult into the child space. The child space is when you act like a child to get what you want, manipulate, whine, complain, etc.

Both adult friends should stay in the adult space when having disagreements. And if you are doing your best to encourage him to come back to the adult space and it feels 'hard' for that to happen, it's because he has a problem.

So stop apologizing, blaming yourself, worrying or thinking somehow you are not good with people. I thought that with my ex too, but I found out that I actually used really good tools to stay in the adult space during disagreements, but he relentlessly moved between parent and child spaces. He simply wasn't of a healthy mind or had a healthy motivation to talk things out like adults, no matter how much I wanted to.

Keep that in mind when you are talking to him, that you are not the problem. Ask yourself, is my friend in the child space right now? And use your behavior and words to try to bring him into the adult space without actually saying that you want to talk it out like adults. If he responds to your modeling then that's good. If he keeps trying to drag you both into the child space, then you need to back away because this friendship is not good for your mental health, no matter how hard you try.

 

[Lmd]

So the same thing happened yesterday. He lashed out on me for no reason. After getting pissed, I tried to be the bigger person and told him to take some time, and get back to me if he still wanted to meet me. After a while, he had calmed down and we had a great evening after all. I think that he has some things in his own life he worries about, and that he lashes out on me because I'm the closest person he has right now. So I'll try to be understanding for now, and give him some time and space when he lashes out, and then I'll see how it turns out in the long run.

Having a hard time isn't a valid excuse to tread badly your friends. Sometimes people don't change and everything remains as empty promises, be careful and don't tolerate attitudes that your mental health cannot bear.

 

[Lotus]

Having a hard time isn't a valid excuse to tread badly your friends. Sometimes people don't change and everything remains as empty promises, be careful and don't tolerate attitudes that your mental health cannot bear.

Thank you. I appreciate your considerate reply.

 

[Tomo]

I fell for feeling this towards a friend more than once. I regret my behavior towards them but I realized over time that things didn't feel the same anymore because we were very different people by that time. Instead of causing my friend and myself even more pain I decided that the best thing to do was stop causing any more damage to what was left of that friendship. Maybe it can be fixed but you have the right to make the best choice for your health if leaving is what that takes.

 

[Cronetappingout]

Is he also depressed and in a dark way? Sounds to me like he is struggling. Just my 2 cents.