"Friend" just made me suicidal af and he doesn't even realize it.

[lawlietsph]

There's a guy who I talk to online. He broke my heart many times before, he's ignoring me for weeks because he's "busy" and somehow when I decide that I'm no longer going to say a single fucking word to him anymore, he always comes back.
He left when I got sick with Lyme disease, told me we shouldn't talk anymore because I obviously wanted more from him than he wanted from me. I was so sick and I cried, but he just left.
After a month he came back apologizing, but honestly ever since then I feel like I'm done with him. The problem is that I don't have anyone, not a single soul, so every crumb of attention he gives me is like drug.
Anyway, back to what just happened minutes ago. I struggle with money, and with work for 8 years now. I am autistic, can't tolerate a "regular" job, and I don't find a remote job no matter how hard I try.
The last 5 days I've spent being hungry as fuck, because I've literally had zero money and zero food. Sometimes I get paid for small online jobs and things like that, that's all. I have some money now, but not a lot. Anyway, I was hungry as hell. 2 days ago I've tried to hang myself. I told this dude that I am suicidal, but he kept going with the "oh no, you are strong and amazing, keep going" bullshit that everyone else does. Other times he ignored my messages when I just wanted to talk to him about suicide. I've had a huge mental breakdown, and decided to hang myself, but obviously SI kicked in so here I am. You have to understand that the main reason I am suicidal is money. Because here I am, a 28 years old woman, being broke as fuck.
Money is the main reason I am so sick mentally, and this guy knows it - I told him multiple times.
But just an hour ago he texted me - again, ignoring my messages for a whole week, saying how he just signed a HUUUGE contract and how he's going to make £83.000 next year.
So I was like nice, congrats
But he didn't finish there, he started to tell me how much money he is going to make on a daily basis and oh btw there are bonuses and AAAAALLL of that and I was just like congrats
but inside, I am slowly dying
It's stupid to compare ourselves, he is a man and I am a woman, we don't start equally anyway. He lives in the UK, I live in a poor shitty country. I shouldn't compare. But I do and it makes me want to stab myself in the head.
Why did he had to do this?
I am fucking starving on a daily basis, and he's texting me just to say how fucking rich he's gonna be.....
Nice. I'm very happy for you
Actually I am not happy, not at all.
Maybe this sounds stupid that I am mad about this. But when you have zero money, zero will to live, zero job opportunities, it hurts like hell.
There is not a minute in my life where I don't hate myself fully because being the unemployed piece of shit I am. So this just broke my heart into millions of pieces again. It seems like everyone is doing so well, everyone has money and can afford nice stuff. Why?
I am not lazy, I work so much around the house and around my animals, but obviously that's not a real job. Why is it so fucking hard? Why did he had to do this to me now?
I just want to die. Why am I such a waste of space

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

Him bragging about his income while you're out there starving is kinda fucked, ESPECIALLY when he knows about it. When you mention him ignoring you, before giving you more attention, it really comes across as manipulative, as that's exactly these types of tactics that are being used. I understand that some people are really hard to get rid of, especially when they're like what you described: "a drug". It's easier said than done, but I'd recommend you find someone who genuinely lifts you up, instead of someone who makes you feel like shit. There are a lot of places where there are a lot of kind individuals, even online, so make a search for new connections, before you let him break you down.

Maybe this sounds stupid that I am mad about this. But when you have zero money, zero will to live, zero job opportunities, it hurts like hell.

And as a side note: this isn't stupid at all. All these are valid reasons to be upset. Everyone would be when they can't afford to put food on the table. While I'm at it, I'll say everyone on this forum is here for a reason. And I'd say all of those are valid enough if you've gone to the lengths to register here. We all have our struggles, and some may seem "irrational" on the surface, but once again, when you're on this forum, you're hurting, and you shouldn't be invalidated because of that.

 

[CatLvr]

I know it is easier said that done but you need to ghost this asshole -- FOREVER. Block him on every social media presence you have. He gets off on your suffering. Don't let him do that. Goddamn I hate people like that -- and there are an awful lot of them in the world.

I am so sorry he is doing this shit to you. What kind of animals do you have?? If you don't mind sharing?

 

[attheend13]

There's a guy who I talk to online. He broke my heart many times before, he's ignoring me for weeks because he's "busy" and somehow when I decide that I'm no longer going to say a single fucking word to him anymore, he always comes back.
He left when I got sick with Lyme disease, told me we shouldn't talk anymore because I obviously wanted more from him than he wanted from me. I was so sick and I cried, but he just left.
After a month he came back apologizing, but honestly ever since then I feel like I'm done with him. The problem is that I don't have anyone, not a single soul, so every crumb of attention he gives me is like drug.
Anyway, back to what just happened minutes ago. I struggle with money, and with work for 8 years now. I am autistic, can't tolerate a "regular" job, and I don't find a remote job no matter how hard I try.
The last 5 days I've spent being hungry as fuck, because I've literally had zero money and zero food. Sometimes I get paid for small online jobs and things like that, that's all. I have some money now, but not a lot. Anyway, I was hungry as hell. 2 days ago I've tried to hang myself. I told this dude that I am suicidal, but he kept going with the "oh no, you are strong and amazing, keep going" bullshit that everyone else does. Other times he ignored my messages when I just wanted to talk to him about suicide. I've had a huge mental breakdown, and decided to hang myself, but obviously SI kicked in so here I am. You have to understand that the main reason I am suicidal is money. Because here I am, a 28 years old woman, being broke as fuck.
Money is the main reason I am so sick mentally, and this guy knows it - I told him multiple times.
But just an hour ago he texted me - again, ignoring my messages for a whole week, saying how he just signed a HUUUGE contract and how he's going to make £83.000 next year.
So I was like nice, congrats
But he didn't finish there, he started to tell me how much money he is going to make on a daily basis and oh btw there are bonuses and AAAAALLL of that and I was just like congrats
but inside, I am slowly dying
It's stupid to compare ourselves, he is a man and I am a woman, we don't start equally anyway. He lives in the UK, I live in a poor shitty country. I shouldn't compare. But I do and it makes me want to stab myself in the head.
Why did he had to do this?
I am fucking starving on a daily basis, and he's texting me just to say how fucking rich he's gonna be.....
Nice. I'm very happy for you
Actually I am not happy, not at all.
Maybe this sounds stupid that I am mad about this. But when you have zero money, zero will to live, zero job opportunities, it hurts like hell.
There is not a minute in my life where I don't hate myself fully because being the unemployed piece of shit I am. So this just broke my heart into millions of pieces again. It seems like everyone is doing so well, everyone has money and can afford nice stuff. Why?
I am not lazy, I work so much around the house and around my animals, but obviously that's not a real job. Why is it so fucking hard? Why did he had to do this to me now?
I just want to die. Why am I such a waste of space

That's harsh. People are willfully blind. In my profession being successful comes with a lot of money and prestige. I belong to a professional group and every week I hear how great everyone is doing. I feel immature for what I'm going to say but I may as well be honest. It makes me angry because I work harder than anyone I know and I have no support system. I'm the only one who needs the break and I'm the only one who doesn't get it. I used to have hope but I woke up. Hope is for the lucky, the beautiful and the wise. Unfortunately for me I'm ugly stupid and cursed. I'm considering breaking I with my partner because I know I'm a drain on him. How could I not be? Today is my birthday and I have to put a face on for everyone because they're sick of my shit. All I want is to be unconscious. Not asleep. Sleep could bring dreams and that's too dangerous. Anyway I have insomnia. But I get where you are. I've made nothing of myself. I have nothing. It's my fault. So where do people like us go? lol I guess to an SS message board! Way to go me!

 

[lawlietsph]

Him bragging about his income while you're out there starving is kinda fucked, ESPECIALLY when he knows about it. When you mention him ignoring you, before giving you more attention, it really comes across as manipulative, as that's exactly these types of tactics that are being used. I understand that some people are really hard to get rid of, especially when they're like what you described: "a drug". It's easier said than done, but I'd recommend you find someone who genuinely lifts you up, instead of someone who makes you feel like shit. There are a lot of places where there are a lot of kind individuals, even online, so make a search for new connections, before you let him break you down.



And as a side note: this isn't stupid at all. All these are valid reasons to be upset. Everyone would be when they can't afford to put food on the table. While I'm at it, I'll say everyone on this forum is here for a reason. And I'd say all of those are valid enough if you've gone to the lengths to register here. We all have our struggles, and some may seem "irrational" on the surface, but once again, when you're on this forum, you're hurting, and you shouldn't be invalidated because of that.

You are 100% right, I do think he is manipulative, but mostly he needs me for some ego boost because he knows I really liked him. When I pay attention he ghosts me, but as soon as he feels like I am getting distant, he becomes the kindest man on earth
Thank you so much for your kind words, it makes me feel less alone I am so done with this world... I just want a job that I can do from home but I get rejected always.. I hate how life treats people so differently

I know it is easier said that done but you need to ghost this asshole -- FOREVER. Block him on every social media presence you have. He gets off on your suffering. Don't let him do that. Goddamn I hate people like that -- and there are an awful lot of them in the world.

I am so sorry he is doing this shit to you. What kind of animals do you have?? If you don't mind sharing?

Yes, I should never ever talk to him ever again :( But I get so lonely... Hate this. Hate him

I have a horse, cats, dogs, and cockatiels

That's harsh. People are willfully blind. In my profession being successful comes with a lot of money and prestige. I belong to a professional group and every week I hear how great everyone is doing. I feel immature for what I'm going to say but I may as well be honest. It makes me angry because I work harder than anyone I know and I have no support system. I'm the only one who needs the break and I'm the only one who doesn't get it. I used to have hope but I woke up. Hope is for the lucky, the beautiful and the wise. Unfortunately for me I'm ugly stupid and cursed. I'm considering breaking I with my partner because I know I'm a drain on him. How could I not be? Today is my birthday and I have to put a face on for everyone because they're sick of my shit. All I want is to be unconscious. Not asleep. Sleep could bring dreams and that's too dangerous. Anyway I have insomnia. But I get where you are. I've made nothing of myself. I have nothing. It's my fault. So where do people like us go? lol I guess to an SS message board! Way to go me!

I am so sorry about your experiences Who works hard usually never gets appreciated. Honestly I hate everything about working as we do it nowadays. It doesn't make any sense.
I wish you a happy birthday, eventho I know it is not happy for you I wish we could meet on nights like this, all the lonely people of SS, and just eat cake and cry or something :(

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

He isn't your friend, he is an arsehole. If he was your friend, he wouldn't use the push and pull on you - that is classic abuse tactics. The push and pull is to keep you hooked, it's what abusers do.

Get away from him before it gets worse. All he's doing is manipulating you and getting a kick out of it. He knows exactly what he's doing, and he doesn't give a shit about you.

Block him on every platform and run.

You deserve so much better than that.

Unfortunately I understand this feeling all too well, I've been in abusive relationships myself so I recognise the signs instantly. It will *never* get better. They always get worse.

Break away and you'll be free from him for good.

You can only be there for yourself. You are number one.

Best of luck with it

Apologies for the rubbish reply, and I know it's all over the place, but I'm struggling with extreme mental exhaustion and this is the best I could do

 

[lawlietsph]

He isn't your friend, he is an arsehole. If he was your friend, he wouldn't use the push and pull on you - that is classic abuse tactics. The push and pull is to keep you hooked, it's what abusers do.

Get away from him before it gets worse. All he's doing is manipulating you and getting a kick out of it. He knows exactly what he's doing, and he doesn't give a shit about you.

Block him on every platform and run.

You deserve so much better than that.

Unfortunately I understand this feeling all too well, I've been in abusive relationships myself so I recognise the signs instantly. It will *never* get better. They always get worse.

Break away and you'll be free from him for good.

You can only be there for yourself. You are number one.

Best of luck with it

Apologies for the rubbish reply, and I know it's all over the place, but I'm struggling with extreme mental exhaustion and this is the best I could do

Thank you so much, I actually need to hear this as much as possible until my brain can finally accept the truth.
It's extremely hard because every time I get a message from him, a huge adrenaline and dopamine rush runs through my whole body and I finally feel wanted, even if it's for a minute or two. Every tiny bit of attention is like drug to me, I am addicted and I look at the person like he's a fucking god or something. I've actually made a list of things he did/said that were extremely hurtful to me. That list is too long now.
It is also hard because I really think he doesn't do this on purpose. I believe he's extremely insecure about himself, he admitted that he's always looking for people's approval.
But you are right, I should stop contacting him asap.
Why do I love him? I was daydreaming about this fucking guy like crazy... I hate myself

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Thank you so much, I actually need to hear this as much as possible until my brain can finally accept the truth.
It's extremely hard because every time I get a message from him, a huge adrenaline and dopamine rush runs through my whole body and I finally feel wanted, even if it's for a minute or two. Every tiny bit of attention is like drug to me, I am addicted and I look at the person like he's a fucking god or something. I've actually made a list of things he did/said that were extremely hurtful to me. That list is too long now.
It is also hard because I really think he doesn't do this on purpose. I believe he's extremely insecure about himself, he admitted that he's always looking for people's approval.
But you are right, I should stop contacting him asap.
Why do I love him? I was daydreaming about this fucking guy like crazy... I hate myself

Because that's what he's done to you. It isn't love. It is a push and pull, not love, you feel like you love him, because of the reasons I mentioned above. It's abuse. Classic abusive relationship - and these come in many different forms (not just romantically).

They make you dependent on them, even though you're already independent, but they will strip you of it, and it makes you crave any little scrap of attention from them

It's all about control. And nothing else

Someone that cares for you wouldn't treat you that way

Please listen when I say this. I am a woman of experience with abusive people from an incredibly young age, especially men, so unfortunately, I know what I'm talking about. They know EXACTLY what they are doing, but they do NOT care. Do NOT be fooled. He IS doing it on PURPOSE! 100%. He has an abusive personality. He will NOT change, you can NOT change him. He will do it to EVERYONE around him, he will destroy EVERYONE, including you. He CAN help it, but DECIDES not to. They want a little puppet. Don't be his puppet.

Break away. Cut all ties is the only way, and it'll take time, but you can do it. Take it from me, you don't want to continue this cycle. If you don't break it now, it'll get worse and in your future. The more you get into these patterns, the harder it is to break away from the next one, because it's so normal to you. It usually comes from trauma in childhood (but not always) so the way they make you feel is familiar to you, therefore, NORMAL to you, but it is NOT normal.

Run. Run. Run

P.S get some therapy to help you deal with traumas you haven't dealt with to prevent you going back into the same cycle with a person in the future (it will happen), and educate yourself on abusive people - it will help you come to terms with it and move on. Google 'domestic violence cycle of abuse' - do some extensive research on it

I'm not telling you what to do, I'm trying to help. You are the only one that can get rid of him. I know how hard it is, but you have to do this for YOU. You are not someone's puppet. You are not a toy. You are a person and you deserve so much better

I hope whatever your future looks like, you're able to get rid of this narcissistic piece of SHIT. You are IMPORTANT! Look up what I just mentioned, and you'll see how all abusers are the SAME, the SAME tactics, the same words used. You're not alone in this, it is very common.

But now it is time for you to heal and move on. Good luck x

 

[Lost Magic]

You are not a waste of space. This world is filled with terribly cruel and hurtful bags of shit. I have met many people like you are describing and they are not worth the time of day. You are worth 100 of them and don't forget it!

 

[CatLvr]

You are 100% right, I do think he is manipulative, but mostly he needs me for some ego boost because he knows I really liked him. When I pay attention he ghosts me, but as soon as he feels like I am getting distant, he becomes the kindest man on earth
Thank you so much for your kind words, it makes me feel less alone I am so done with this world... I just want a job that I can do from home but I get rejected always.. I hate how life treats people so differently

Yes, I should never ever talk to him ever again :( But I get so lonely... Hate this. Hate him

I have a horse, cats, dogs, and cockatiels

I am so sorry about your experiences Who works hard usually never gets appreciated. Honestly I hate everything about working as we do it nowadays. It doesn't make any sense.
I wish you a happy birthday, eventho I know it is not happy for you I wish we could meet on nights like this, all the lonely people of SS, and just eat cake and cry or something :(

Ohhhhhh! I am TERRIFIED of horses lol but LOVE cats (duh! ), dogs and all kinds of birds. The kids had a cockatiel and an African Grey Parrot when they were at home. Both were rehomed from an abusive habitat to us but adjusted well with a little time and patience, and eventually died of old age. I have zebra finches and cordon bleu finches now. Their little peep-peep-peep never fails to make my heart lighter. Oh! And the chickens. I don't think they know they are chickens, though. Haha!

I'm so sorry this guy is treating you like a toy he can just do whatever with. I have a husband like that. Just when I think he can't get any more abusive (or stupid to be honest) he goes and does something that just astounds me. For example, today he is made because I cleaned out the cars. I am now "forbidden" to take anything out of any of our vehicles. The man is an idiot. Oh well ... I just ignore him and go on about my business. And yes, I will continue to clean out the cars.

 

[TANETS]

that guy is very clearly a sociopath or just tone death to the max. I'm gonna vote on sociopath because how dumb can you be to flex about making money to someone who is struggling financially? You gotta cut him off. I know it's hard, it can feel impossible. I had this person on the internet that I hated so much but I couldn't cut them off. I was experiencing this weird sort of limerence with them, except they'd kind of flirt with me time to time. I knew they were a terrible person, I knew they were causing me so much distress, and for 2 years I couldn't cut them off but I finally did and it was the hardest but best thing I ever did.

I can't tell you my advice will work for you because I do have a disorder that gives me hyperfixations, and in a way this person was my hyperfixation. But I eventually had to find another person to hyperfixate over (a celebrity so I couldn't do anything stupid.) it isn't the healthiest coping mechanism, and as weird as it is, it worked.

 

[Wendigo]

Thank you so much, I actually need to hear this as much as possible until my brain can finally accept the truth.
It's extremely hard because every time I get a message from him, a huge adrenaline and dopamine rush runs through my whole body and I finally feel wanted, even if it's for a minute or two. Every tiny bit of attention is like drug to me, I am addicted and I look at the person like he's a fucking god or something. I've actually made a list of things he did/said that were extremely hurtful to me. That list is too long now.
It is also hard because I really think he doesn't do this on purpose. I believe he's extremely insecure about himself, he admitted that he's always looking for people's approval.
But you are right, I should stop contacting him asap.
Why do I love him? I was daydreaming about this fucking guy like crazy... I hate myself

That's not love at all, that's an addiction, a drug, toxic. We want what we can't have even if it's not good for us, it's basic human psychology. And you are trauma bonded. Run.