SecretDissociation
Suicide enthusiast
- Sep 11, 2022
- 136
I made a post in February, forgot, didn't reply to any replies, went on about my miserable life, was looking forward to going to a concert with my friend. the friend i finally made. the friend i worked hard to make.
and guess what? she died. she died when just the day before we were texting about how she was ill again and I was like youre dying and she was like fr and I urged her to get an appointment but the damn stupid GP said next wednesday and she died the next day instead. i know im not her family. i know im not her next of kin. but damn it she was my friend and even though i still wanted to die and still want to die and still self harmed she was there because she was my damn fucking friend and I wanted to celebrate her birthday and then die.
and here i am alone again. again. back to level -1. my life is eternally miserable. the friendship group i tried so hard to make is dead. the groupchat is empty. plans cancelled. i would try so hard to make plans fit into my schedule but now all these 'friends' do is cancel. they cancel and my one proper friend is six feet under and dead. I have no reason left to live. I have assignments I can't do. I have no motivation. all these horrible thoughts flood my brain. my eyes ache, my head hurts. i haven't slept properly in weeks. slumber is filled with dreams of the dead, or nightmare's of the dead. and when I am awake she sits on the fucking red chair in my student accommodation because thats where she used to sit.
I have tried everything to get better and I really can't do this anymore. I have been trying medications, listening to the 100th healthcare worker say 'the medication won't work straight away, wait for six weeks and keep taking it' and i take it and take it and i take it for three months then six months and i get sick of it not working. i get sick of hearing it again when given new medication 'it should take 6 weeks to start working' and then it turns into 3 months and then 6 months and then it turned into a year. and i hear the same thing again 'you need to wait for it to work' Motherfucker ITS NOT GOING TO FUCKING WORK. SSRI this SNRI this. are you blind to patterns
Do DBT this do this BA thing, why don't you try playing with soap, take a cold shower, put ice on your fucking forehead i have tried all of these before I met you. What makes you think someone depressed from the age of 8 wouldn't have tried these things. I've tried exercise and dieting and I developed an eating disorder. I tried sensory coping mechanisms and I ended up self-harming. I tried i tried everything. maybe you need to make friends and I did.
I made friends. i made a group of friends. and one of them went and died and two of them couldn't give two fucks if I died. im so tired of reaching out first. hey. wanna hang? sorry no I can't. fucking great tell me when you can WHY DO I HAVE TO CHASE YOU TO HANG OUT, I'll invite you to midnight bagels, i'll arrange going to nandos, i'll remind you to reply on the groupchat, i'll check in if you still want to hangout tomorrow I'll do this, i'll do that, I'll remind you to book tickets to ComicCon oh wait fuck that you've cancelled because of examse oh great yeah when i've gone out with you despite having assignments due. yeah. yeah no its okay, i'll fit you into my schedule and you'll fuckshit forget about me.
I want my dead friend back. I want her back. i want the only friend that respected my chosen name and my pronouns. I want the friend that actually wanted to hangout with me. I want my fucking dead friend back that told me its okay and that i cant control stuff. i want my fucking friend back. i want to mourn with the friendship group we shared. i want to visit her grave again with them, but they don't want to because its too much for them and here I am.
here I am alone. writing this fucking essay. ready to take a traina nd hike to Beachy Head because fuck living. fuck this world. and fuck things getting better. because it never has gotten better for me. and it never will. and im tired. im tired. im tired. im so fucking tired.
and guess what? she died. she died when just the day before we were texting about how she was ill again and I was like youre dying and she was like fr and I urged her to get an appointment but the damn stupid GP said next wednesday and she died the next day instead. i know im not her family. i know im not her next of kin. but damn it she was my friend and even though i still wanted to die and still want to die and still self harmed she was there because she was my damn fucking friend and I wanted to celebrate her birthday and then die.
and here i am alone again. again. back to level -1. my life is eternally miserable. the friendship group i tried so hard to make is dead. the groupchat is empty. plans cancelled. i would try so hard to make plans fit into my schedule but now all these 'friends' do is cancel. they cancel and my one proper friend is six feet under and dead. I have no reason left to live. I have assignments I can't do. I have no motivation. all these horrible thoughts flood my brain. my eyes ache, my head hurts. i haven't slept properly in weeks. slumber is filled with dreams of the dead, or nightmare's of the dead. and when I am awake she sits on the fucking red chair in my student accommodation because thats where she used to sit.
I have tried everything to get better and I really can't do this anymore. I have been trying medications, listening to the 100th healthcare worker say 'the medication won't work straight away, wait for six weeks and keep taking it' and i take it and take it and i take it for three months then six months and i get sick of it not working. i get sick of hearing it again when given new medication 'it should take 6 weeks to start working' and then it turns into 3 months and then 6 months and then it turned into a year. and i hear the same thing again 'you need to wait for it to work' Motherfucker ITS NOT GOING TO FUCKING WORK. SSRI this SNRI this. are you blind to patterns
Do DBT this do this BA thing, why don't you try playing with soap, take a cold shower, put ice on your fucking forehead i have tried all of these before I met you. What makes you think someone depressed from the age of 8 wouldn't have tried these things. I've tried exercise and dieting and I developed an eating disorder. I tried sensory coping mechanisms and I ended up self-harming. I tried i tried everything. maybe you need to make friends and I did.
I made friends. i made a group of friends. and one of them went and died and two of them couldn't give two fucks if I died. im so tired of reaching out first. hey. wanna hang? sorry no I can't. fucking great tell me when you can WHY DO I HAVE TO CHASE YOU TO HANG OUT, I'll invite you to midnight bagels, i'll arrange going to nandos, i'll remind you to reply on the groupchat, i'll check in if you still want to hangout tomorrow I'll do this, i'll do that, I'll remind you to book tickets to ComicCon oh wait fuck that you've cancelled because of examse oh great yeah when i've gone out with you despite having assignments due. yeah. yeah no its okay, i'll fit you into my schedule and you'll fuckshit forget about me.
I want my dead friend back. I want her back. i want the only friend that respected my chosen name and my pronouns. I want the friend that actually wanted to hangout with me. I want my fucking dead friend back that told me its okay and that i cant control stuff. i want my fucking friend back. i want to mourn with the friendship group we shared. i want to visit her grave again with them, but they don't want to because its too much for them and here I am.
here I am alone. writing this fucking essay. ready to take a traina nd hike to Beachy Head because fuck living. fuck this world. and fuck things getting better. because it never has gotten better for me. and it never will. and im tired. im tired. im tired. im so fucking tired.
