free time is killing me slowly

[monetpompo]

i'm not interested in anything. i'm really not. i just want to be around people and leave my house but i can't do that if i can't drive. i could've still been enrolled in my college right now if i had a license. i didn't want to do any online courses because i'd figure that i'd become so depressed being in isolation for months that i'd just hang myself before i went back. in november and december i'm supposed to work towards getting my license. i don't know what i'll do in november because i lay in bed for half the day sleeping because i have no will to do anything. i don't have anything that makes me excited and i don't have anyone willing to give me rides so that i have opportunities to leave my house if i'm thinking about killing myself.

this is boring. it's all boring. i have books but i just stare at them. earlier this morning i thought, "maybe i'll read!" and i grabbed 3 i liked off my shelf, a comic, a poem book, and a novel. now i don't want to do anything. i just want to lay down and starve because i hate myself, for some reason. i only feel better and like i'm a person when i leave my house and actually talk to people, but i can't do that. and it's too cold and windy today for me to ride my bike. there's a cold front that'll make it hard for me to go outside for a few days, and last week it was so sunny that i felt burnt up trying to go out in the mornings. there's no shade in my neighborhood so on a clear sunny day i get burnt up immediately. it's only cloudy or cool in the spring, which is lasts for 1-2 months.

i don't know how to fill my time and i just seem to want to recede into myself because it's easier. i've been acting like this for months, so it's not like i can just break out of it. i only feel better when i talk to people. i don't know how to find laying in my bed decomposing less comfortable. it's not like i have anything else to do, but i know it's not making me feel better. the people i tell this to don't seem to understand that i would rather kill myself than have so much free time, because i spend all of it in my room doing nothing. because no one wants to hang out with me and i don't have any work or projects i need to work on. part of me wishes i could just become a vegetable so my parents could kill me.

i know i'm just complaining. i know i can do better. but i don't feel like i can do better and people believing in me doesn't do anything for me because i just don't care enough. no one is going to do anything regardless of if i lay in bed for 1 hour or for 7 hours. the people that tell me to get out of bed have things to get out of bed for, so they don't even relate to me. they just assume that i'm being lazy or acting depressed when i can just play a video game or go on a walk or whatever. has any normal person ever thought about how long a day is before? how many hours pass? at least in a hospital, i can be around nurses and feel less lonely. it's so lonely living at home and being so far away from everything in town. i can't think about tomorrow because i hate the idea that tomorrow is just going to be the same.

 

[Dark Moon]

I'm the same way; there's no reason for me to get out of bed because I just don't have any oppurtunities and not much is interesting or enjoyable for me, there's nothing for me to live for especially since this world/society continues to get worse.

 

[monetpompo]

i know i'm just complaining. i know i can do better. but i don't feel like i can do better and people believing in me doesn't do anything for me because i just don't care enough. no one is going to do anything regardless of if i lay in bed for 1 hour or for 7 hours. the people that tell me to get out of bed have things to get out of bed for, so they don't even relate to me.

i cried a lot earlier sitting on top of my stool because i wanted stand top of it to hang myself but i know that i'm just going to back down again because i'm a coward. and even then, my brother might hear my convulsions in the closet (he's in the room next to mine) and come to check on me. i can easily do full suspension because i'm short, but i just give up because i get so afraid and it feels painful.

i don't know how to keep going when some days my heart aches so much from loneliness that i think that i'd seriously rather die. i don't know why i can't just kill myself if i'm supposed to be so miserable. i don't even believe that anyone in my life cares about me. i don't think a single person in my life cares about me. i want to run away from everything and disappear into dust. why is boredom so painful? why do i have to fixate on things i can't control and huddle in a corner like a wounded animal from my own thoughts? life would be so much better if i was able to hang out with my friends. life would be better if i had hobbies.

i feel like running towards a concrete wall and hitting my head on it until my brain stops working or until i'm physically incapable of doing it anymore. my thoughts are so grotesque and disgusting. i wish i had clean thoughts. i wish that i believed in anything. i don't believe in happiness, a future, in my friends, in anything because everything just seems to go wrong because i'm the only one in control of my life. it's all going wrong and i'm the one messing it up. i don't know how i did everything wrong. even if my life gets better in a year i just feel like such a failure that i think that i want to give up on everything if i find a way to kill myself. my eyes burn from crying. i feel like garbage. i wish that people would just tell me they hated me. i would want to kill myself if people told me they hated me and think my depression is something i'm just faking for attention. i wish that i would die.