Story Freaked another one out : [

[oggie the weirdo]

I think I've Got a real problem with Women. I'm a nice guy and most, if not all people like me and that's nice, the problem is when I 'fall in love' with a certain woman. I become obsessed, and it's very unhealthy and ruins my life and ends up bothering theirs to say the least. I'm not like dangerous or something, lol, and it's not like these women have to fear about something. But they get very annoyed and bothered and uncomfortable, and it breaks my heart.

It's such a devastating feeling to see somebody you used to be friends with, somebody you used to make laugh and smile, now avoid your eyes, try not to be near you, don't answer your messages. A young gal I work with at work(obvi.) and I used to be tight and for a while she was the only person there I connected with. I Was Sooo Unattracted to her when I started, I didn't think of her that way even in the slightest... so what happened? She was Nice to me, and kind and funny and I guess she took time to talk to me and that meant something. She probably was just being polite, as she is with everyone, but I took it waayyy too far and I 'fell in love' with her.

Now I don't think this is actual love.. I think it's just a symptom of obsessive compulsive disorder. I just Could Not Stop thinking about her, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Because I'm such a Shut-In and don't go anywhere and don't know no-one I never get a chance to meet other women and broaden my horizon, so to me it felt like this chick at work was literally the only woman in the world.

after minutes, hours, days, weeks, Months of agonizing and torturing myself with if I was going to ask her out and how I was going to do it I finally got the nerve or stupidity or impatience or whatever to ask her out. I went up to her and said 'would you like to go out with me sometime?' and she said... maybe. LOL It's so funny now because I thought for sure that meant yes and it did kinda... except she texted me later saying she was in a relationship already but still wouldn't mind going somewhere. Well Fine, I thought, better than nothing. It would be good for me to get out there anyway, nothing romantic has to come of it and we can just have some fun making eachother laugh. Eventually we do settle on a place to go and a time and day and everything... and then the day comes. I'm all excited and ready but nervous because I just can not believe after all this time we're finally going somewhere together...

i had texted her some little jokes about there was no need for her to be nervous because we're just gonna have some fun and that if she "be nice i'll invite you" to go hang out with me and some other friends to an arcade or a movie or something. apparently telling her not to be nervous & saying the words 'be nice' in those texts freaked her out and i still can't fricken figure out why?! I didn't mean 'be nice' like something creepy!? wtf! well she took it completely wrong and on the morning we were supposed to go she, 'suddenly' found out the place was too far for her and she can't make it anymore. and my heart broke.


the truth is i don't really need her or want her and it's fine if she dosen't want to go anywhere with me, but now she treats me like a repulsive freak. she won't go anywhere near me at work, she will barely look me in the eye... i, i suppose stupidly?, texted her this long-ass text trying to explain myself but she won't respond at all. again, I'm trying to make this very clear, I DO NOT NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP with this young lady, but I can't deal with the idea that I have creeped her out.

I have done this before, I've creeped women out with my intensity because if one of them happens to be nice to me and i find them even remotely attractive i seem to throw my entire soul & heart & mind at them like a pathetic lonely troll. This a Complex of mine, a psychological complex: Being thought of as a freak is extremely extremely troubling to me, and worse is I think it's true. I am creepy and weird, I wish I could've stopped myself thinking about her and GOd Knows I tried, but I could. not. stop.

This is why I have to ctb, I think, although to be really honest I really do not want to die. But I can't function in this world, I can't handle being called a freak again by somebody I used to care about; I don't want to go to work and feel so awkward around her and vice-versa. I have to ctb, I must. I feel trapped here and I can't get out.

THAT's that.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I've been down this road ... a little less as time goes by .

Took me ages to realize it was most prob. an OCD thing , cycling thoughts ,obsessions ...

I think it's a recovery possible problem.

Is it like an on or off switch ?

Like one day she's just that woman at work and then SHE'S the one .

Thats how I do it ... ( last one was two years ago ... )

Boundaries ? Where does love / sex / intimacy map out in your mind ?

Religious background ?

There must be a cause for this particular gremlin .

For me it was puritanical no dating until you want to get married .... jeez.
so , any possibility was enshrined in a 'perfect god chose for me ' construct in my mind .

The first one lasted to this day ... ha ha ( fuck) ...
I crushed on her since a young teen at school and dated for a year or so at 19 ... then I got dumped.
The opera of obsessions .
Totally out of control .

I think it stems from a lack of a strong self identity ?

I always projected these ideas and feelings of these women I obsess over as being 'right on' cool and centred and grounded
( as well as obviously attractive ) when I had / have none of those qualities.

Pretending to be ok got me with some partners , but it's doomed with no honesty .

It totally sucks , I empathize .

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

You're not alone I'm also clueless relationship-wise, I just sort of get a lot of warm hugs online it helps a bit <3

 

[oggie the weirdo]

Is it like an on or off switch ?
Like one day she's just that woman at work and then SHE'S the one .
...
Boundaries ? Where does love / sex / intimacy map out in your mind ?

Yes! There was another poor girl I was obsessed with years ago and something happened and everything crashed and burned and all of a sudden I stopped, like a spell was broken.. it felt great actually, liberating. The only problem here is that I still have to work with this chick and tbh I feel sorry for her, I'm sorry she has to put up with weird ol' me. She really didn't know what she was getting into by simply being nice to me in the first place.

and yeah I have boundaries issues for sure haha. It stems from childhood where I developed a real insecurity about my body and a terrible fear of opening up to people. When I finally do open up, it's so awkward and clumsy and foolish and I don't know how/what to share or not to share. When they reject me, like she did, after all my effort of finally opening up it's just like pouring this intense rock salt and gunpowder and acid in a wound. it hurts. it hurts.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Maybe this is the worst feedback in the world , but alluding to one's short comings and damage ...

Your trauma , your scarring .... and how it has affected you , in a light ' self deprecating' way as casually as possible is a way forward ?

It's like saying you are otherwise so together that you can admit these hastles ( traumas to you ... ) ???

Sounds so f'ing glib ...

But I understand , for me at least , when that venus trap shuts , its HER on full until the poison of yech ( whatever faux pas , klutsiness etc ) eats it all away ....

I'm trying to work on not beating myself up about shit , and appreciate the everyday positives .

It is an unpopular opinion , but I think a lot of folks don't like themselves that much and revere the potential other ... as I have already said.

I think that is where a lot of it comes from .

Throw a bit of medium or high level loneliness in there and it's toxic.

"They won't like me if they see the real me ." pretend pretend ...

The whole mating thing is a display anyway , right ?

Maybe the best 'real' ones are when that doesn't happen ?

I think you probably are wanting a level of intimacy that will ensure your acceptance due to your scar complex ?

Maybe projecting your own need for unconditional acceptance onto the desired partner ?
I mean , we are irrational creatures ... so maybe our subconscious figures " shit , if I fill up their love tank with psychic "in love" energy , then they're gonna love me back !"
Channeling Freud et al here ... ( ha ha )
How long is a piece of string ?


On a personal note though , again , I feel for you .

I remember burning up red faced and sweating in the presence of HER , just completely sunk . Repeatedly .
Ugh.

 

[oggie the weirdo]

Huh yeah that's interesting. I came to the conclusion a while ago that even if we did end up getting together it wouldn't last cuz she couldn't be a solution to all my personal problems. It's unfair for her and for me to ache after some ideal version of a person as a quick fix instead of working on my issues at the core.

But Im still in a weird spot now. Normally I would just run away from here and that's always kind of suited me in the past, except I keep repeating the same mistakes obviously. I want to run away again but I also kind of think it's important for me to stay. I just hope she's not too uncomfortable because I hate seeing that look on her face.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

It maybe is an evolutionairy response to run ?

"Not mating with this one , time to gtfo ,"

All that embarassement and hurt might just be nature telling you to run.
( I hadn't thought about it like that before )
It would be nice if you had some safe people irl to talk about this with ...

Kind of related to joking about it .
Possibley if it is named and owned somehow .... in a light hearted way .

I dont know.

I've never done that myself...

although if my most recent ex seems like wanting a debrief I may venture some truths ...

Maybe your subconscious ( I'm a believer in that ) will throw a wild card and defuse the situation ...

The potency of this stuff does erode after a while , but I would say it's worth persueing it and get
some more info and advice on methods of dealing with it .

If you can endure the soul crushing pain of this in the short term , hopefully you can line up some help to improve your process ?

I think this is a more common problem for people than we think .

I went ten years single because I was obsessed with unobtainables and was too shy and depressed / low self esteem etc to date.

It seems to me you have a grip on some things that trigger you ?

Is there a way to connect your awareness with your behavior ?

( And by behavior I mean inside and out ... recognising the experience as it unfolds . )

I'm a write it down nut .

Journal the shit out of this ... ? Maybe there will be some feedback from writing that will clue you towards a better situation .

( I'm kind of writing this at myself as much as to you Oggie , I'm still in this zone . )

Deep breaths and play it cool in the mean time I guess ?

Relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax.

( I literally tell myself to be calm and relax when heading into stressful situations ... a bit of self hypnosis is worth a try )

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

A few things I've learned along the way...

- Don't actively befriend women you might become interested in.

- Don't be attached to any one woman or even one particular outcome. Try to see it as shopping in the candy aisle. You might want m&m's but you are probably going to get milk duds.

- Most relationships/hook ups happen randomly or spontaneously. Anything on a slow burn is prone to becoming stale and fizzling out. Triggering attraction is key and that's hard to achieve if you go the slow, predictable route.

Probably not the most traditional/PC advice but idgaf and if it helps some dude it's worth it. I am a social pariah but always did pretty well with girls.

 

[oggie the weirdo]

It seems to me you have a grip on some things that trigger you ?
Is there a way to connect your awareness with your behavior ?
( And by behavior I mean inside and out ... recognising the experience as it unfolds . )
I'm a write it down nut .
Journal the shit out of this ... ? Maybe there will be some feedback from writing that will clue you towards a better situation .

Yes I write in a journal quite regularly actually, it's quite cathartic. the only thing, and I'm not 100% sure why... I rarely go back and read my own journal entries.. I guess I just figured i've got other things going on and why look back. Some people may say 'then why the fuck do you journal at all then' .. fair point! but again the writing in it of itself is cathartic for me.

But yeah I should go back and read through this stuff. I've spent the past few days just sleeping and sleeping and luckily I had a few days off from the office so I could rest. But I've got to go back in there soon and face this, unfortunately (or fortunately idk). I do feel a little less of a load on my back now so that's good.

This has all been great feedback from you guys so far and I so appreciate the consideration

 

[Kirakishou]

I don't think you're creepy at all for all that's worth. I'm sure if she was in a relationship, her boyfriend probably was probably the reason for her behaviour.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about the situation. I've kind of stopped trying to be with women about 10+ years ago, I figured that I must have something that doesn't make me boyfriend, fiance, or husband material and just pretty much accepted myself as FA (Forever Alone) when it comes to relationships. Also, the last time I had friends was just around early college (over 10 years ago) and even then it's pretty sad.

I can understand your reasoning to ctb as this is also similar to one of my reasons for wanting to ctb.

A few things I've learned along the way...

- Don't actively befriend women you might become interested in.

- Don't be attached to any one woman or even one particular outcome. Try to see it as shopping in the candy aisle. You might want m&m's but you are probably going to get milk duds.

- Most relationships/hook ups happen randomly or spontaneously. Anything on a slow burn is prone to becoming stale and fizzling out. Triggering attraction is key and that's hard to achieve if you go the slow, predictable route.

Probably not the most traditional/PC advice but idgaf and if it helps some dude it's worth it. I am a social pariah but always did pretty well with girls.

Well, you have better luck and skills than me. I never managed to get a girlfriend in my life and at my age, it's highly unlikely that it'll happen in my circumstances. I've always had Aspergers and later social anxiety (as a result of failed social experiences, victim of bullying in grade school, bad home life, etc.).

 

[oggie the weirdo]

I don't think you're creepy at all for all that's worth. I'm sure if she was in a relationship, her boyfriend probably was probably the reason for her behaviour.

that's nice of you to say and you may be right about her bf thing. Maybe I shouldn't take things so personally, I'll just never understand why she got so cold so suddenly

 

[oggie the weirdo]

I've always had Aspergers and later social anxiety (as a result of failed social experiences, victim of bullying in grade school, bad home life, etc.).

Have you ever considered going to an Aspergers group of some kind? I'm trying to say, could you maybe meet up with some nice lady who also has aspergers and can share experiences with you? I have a friend with Aspergers and although he is socially different, maybe a little awkward, he's also one of the smartest most interesting people I've ever met. I don't think you have to view it as a handicap.

Also I was bullied as a kid too and although I am sure that experience really hurt my psyche and made me feel like shit, I think it's also important to realize that the people who did that bullying had something terribly wrong with them. I always felt sorry for the bullies tbh because it wasn't that hard to see beneath the surface to some deep seeded insecurity.

 

[Midnight]

All aboard the fail train...

I've been in similar predicaments before more than a decade of friendzone and or complete disaster shit... It's extremely depressing. Got lucky once though and lasted a few years.

Now i'm done with all that shit i no longer engage in any searching... I get by with another more expensive way until i ctb. Feels good though to just drop the whole thing ... Not a single care anymore when it comes to that issue.

Btw. About your story. More likely than not she told her bf about it and he probably gave her a nice speech to not go out with some random dude from work and talked her out of any form of contact with you. If he's a protective type that is but it's very likely.

So don't be hard on yourself... What's done is done. I've nearly gotten in fights over being kind/talk to girls let alone asking them out. Girls tend to express relationship issues to "nice guy's" so it puts you in a shitty position. i myself once went to tell some guy off who was trying to have a go at my (now) ex and would have engaged in a fight should it have gotten so far. (This guy wanted in to get in her pants mind you)

So yeah don't beat yourself up. Pack up your emotions and move on. Plenty of other girls arround ... Who know you might get lucky as i once did.

I know "easier said than done" i know very well how hard that is. But there's not much else you can do.

 

[azucaramargo]

Yes! There was another poor girl I was obsessed with years ago and something happened and everything crashed and burned and all of a sudden I stopped, like a spell was broken.. it felt great actually, liberating. The only problem here is that I still have to work with this chick and tbh I feel sorry for her, I'm sorry she has to put up with weird ol' me. She really didn't know what she was getting into by simply being nice to me in the first place.

and yeah I have boundaries issues for sure haha. It stems from childhood where I developed a real insecurity about my body and a terrible fear of opening up to people. When I finally do open up, it's so awkward and clumsy and foolish and I don't know how/what to share or not to share. When they reject me, like she did, after all my effort of finally opening up it's just like pouring this intense rock salt and gunpowder and acid in a wound. it hurts. it hurts.

You are so articulate! I had such a similar situation recently, and I ended up leaving my job like an IDIOT because I couldn't handle the fact that my co-woeker slept with me, but didn't want to be my boyfriend. I feel so foolish. I text him all the time, he blocked me, and sometimes I drive to his second job like a true stalker. It's rough.

 

[ChickenAndPotatoes]

-Are you typically feeling boredom, anxiety, dread and scared every waking moment? ---Being without her is like losing your legs.
-You are super self conscious when she's around. Self conscious is not comfortable way to feel. It's anxiety.
-I think the intensity (believe me, I know EXACTLY what you mean by intensity around crushes) feels good and it's the equivalent of purring. You are so infatuated or in love you are purring like a cat.
But you feel without even consciously thinking about it, that you would literally be and feel better if you had her. When she's in the room you know exactly where she is, even if you can't see her...
-1) The obsessions go away with time. It took me about 3 years with this latest crush to be weened off of him and my crush before that it took about a year (or at least a few months) to be weened off of him.
-2) Go get yourself a new friend. Learning all about the new friend should help take your mind off her.
-3) Go to the grocery store and just look at all of your favorite type of things to eat (or go to the gym) a BUNCH of times so you can be around other people. Fresh new people.
-4) Try to bring down the intensity as it can scare people off. Be natural. Loose, think of a kite gently flowing with the breeze. Shake your arms out, roll your neck and deep breath when you feel yourself getting tight. Have some chocolate nearby to pop into your mouth or some gum.