Freak incident today prevented me from ctb...

[Veraz]

So, I was in a really dark place last night, not sure what started it but I went to bed with every intention of killing myself today when I got up. The only thing is, my method was something that would have required the internet in order to pull off because I'm not super knowledgeable about the method. I've made plans and stuff before, but usually they were half-hearted attempts at convincing myself and deep down I always knew I wasn't going to end up going through with it.

This time was different, and even after waking up the extreme apathy remained... only to discover that during the night the city had done some kind of drilling or something and ended up severing half of our town's internet connection for the entire day (yeah, they're a bunch of morons). It only just came back up at around dinner time. So instead, I spent the whole day reading manga in my room.

I don't own a cell phone because I never really leave my house, so I had no way of researching my method anymore.

I picked an action manga that I didn't think would have anything related to mental health in it and wouldn't you know... the first few chapters had a few things to say about suicide. I'm not going to disclose what manga it was, because it's kind of embarrassing to me that my entire will to kill myself crumbled from something so small.



Still, I am pretty sure that if the city hadn't screwed up I would be dead right now. Never been the religious sort, and logically I know it's probably just proof I am a coward more than anything else, but still... what a bizarre coincidence. Not really sure what to make of it all I guess and it kind of freaked me out a bit.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all, it's difficult to make plans when we exist in a world where everything is so unpredictable and uncertain, but anyway best wishes.

 

[SilentSadness]

It's definitely not uncommon to be persuaded by petty things, sadly this has plagued me as well when trying to ctb. In a world structured from top to bottom to value life above all else, and nearly every waking person fully ready to force you not to ctb, it takes a huge amount of mental strength to do it. Cancelling ctb plans doesn't make you a coward, I hope you don't think that.