Venting "Forgotten" trauma that activated yesterday

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

So... I saw a nightmare related to childhood trauma.

I don't even know everything that happened to me when I was a kid. ... What remains, however, is intermittent anxiety, nightmares, a certain kind of behavior.

I try not to feel anything. I don't want to feel anything. I can't feel anything. At some point, though, everything always collapses, like yesterday ...

I saw an episode related to my trauma a few days ago from one series. Yesterday it became my nightmare, the worst part is that the nightmare had a new approach to it ... And now I wonder if it could be that way? Do I finally know who did it all?

I got a panic attack, I still get one now. When this thing comes to mind, I can't control myself, I can't control myself. I'm afraid every time what happens when I let my feelings go ... Are they too much? How can I handle this. And I can't even stand it ...

I am so angry, so sad, so anxious and panicked. Ruined. I will always be broken, I will never be normal.

I can never tell anyone what has happened. My former therapist made me talk about this once, since then I haven't been able to.

And how it feels when you are expected to love someone in your life while you know you haven't been treated right. And you can never tell anyone why this is the case, you have to pretend and bear the blame.

Now I'm just thinking that I want to leave, today, now... but I don't want do it because that! I want choose it myself, no because someone did something to me and I can't think of anything else now.

 

[Flippy]

I'm so sorry you are going through this :-( I've had some similar experiences over the last few years. It's like our brains are constantly trying to resolve trauma in the back of our minds like a hidden process on a computer. And then...it pops up in our consciousness and it can be damn distressing, if not terrifying.

This event sounds like it pretty much just emerged :-( I find that's when it's the hardest to deal with. When this last happened to me, it was like a movie playing on a constant loop that I just couldn't look away from. I felt so anxious and my heart kept beating like a jack hammer.

All I can say is that it took time for the traumatic memory to loose some of its power. But I know that's little comfort right now :-(

If you are getting really distressed do you think maybe your therapist or maybe GP could prescribe you a course of diazepam or something similar? In the first instance that can help but usually in my experience they don't tend to prescribe it for long :-(

The only other thing I can say that helped calm my anxiety was doing a type of breathing exercise known as the Wim Hof method. I'm starting to sound like a broken record suggesting it on these forums and a few people may groan, but it might help.

Here's some links, you might feel it's a bit hippie dippie and Wim Hof is a bit of a character but I have found it quite effective. But if you do try it, please do so in a safe place and follow the advice. The first video is to give you an overview and the other two are full exercises, the first is the least demanding for beginners. I hope it will help at least until you can get some support. I really hope you will start to emerge from this soon!

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering, it sounds awful what you are going through, our own thoughts can torture us and we cannot escape from ourselves. I wish you well and I hope you find relief.