Story Forgotten and invisible

[CuddleHug]

Last week, I took a huge risk and told my psychologist that I might need a hospitalisation. Not because I'm extremely suicidal, but because I'm feeling fucking miserable and it never seems to end. I'm very apathetic, self-destructive with my health and, well, completely dysfunctional. I have been for months now, and what's worse is that my psychiatric clinic knows about this and are doing nothing.

Anyway, I told my psychologist that I am literally on the verge of a total collapse and that I need to break this self-destructive cycle somehow, and that I was ready to get hospitalised if needed. She said "okay, let me talk to the doctors and I'll see what we can do". I went home and waited, waited and waited. Nothing, until the next day, when she contacted me and said "I've talked to the doctors and they can't do a planned hospitalisation, you'll have to go to the psych ER" (not sure if you have the same system where you live, but in my country the physical and mental ERs are different).

For reasons I've written out and then erased several times, but don't feel are actually relevant, I waited until today to go there. They told me, and I had kind of expected them to, that my condition was not an emergency and that I'd have to talk to my psychiatric clinic. I explained that I already have, but they do absolutely nothing despite my efforts to get help, and that they literally told me to go to the psych ER. I wasn't there because I wanted to, I was there because I had no other fucking options.

Well, as it turns out, not being actively suicidal in the moment means they can't help. Apparently being at 8/10 suicidal and having a full plan, but no date set, isn't enough. And I get it, I should never have ended up there in the first place, but the fact that my psychologist said it's better to go to the ER made me think that maybe I'd get some help there anyway. Tough luck.

I was seriously contemplating going back literally right after leaving and saying I was now at 9/10 on the about-to-kill-myself scale because of not getting any help and wasting 4 hours of waiting out in the cold (outdoors reception due to COVID-19). I'd go for 10/10, but I'm a terrible liar and hate exaggerating, so they'd see through that easily anyway. I seriously was at 9, though.

Jokes aside, I'm starting to feel like I am either not being taken seriously, or that my problems aren't bad enough to warrant proper help. It's like I'm too sharp and clear-headed for them to think there could be anything serious going on. Just because I can express my thoughts and analyse my own behaviour rationally doesn't mean I have any fucking clue on how to do anything about them.

I don't fit into any of the typical mental health disorder profiles, so I'm treated like I don't exist and no one knows what to do about me. As if that's my fucking fault. Each time this happens, I feel more and more like it's not worth the effort of trying. What's the point?

I feel like this turned into more of a rant than a "story", but there's no rant flag or whatever, so this'll do. At first I wasn't sure it even fits here in Recovery, but it does kind of tie in to my rather hopeless effort of reaching out for help. Failed attempts still count as trying, don't they?

I'm so tired of everything

 

[BitterlyAlive]

In the ER where I work, the social workers are willing to bend the admission rules for circumstances like yours. I'm really sorry they turned you down like that - and in my opinion, you definitely sound like a candidate for inpatient psych. You're at the very least medium risk and in a crisis. You shouldn't have to feel the need to exaggerate to be taken seriously. Shame on them.

I'm sorry you feel so forgotten and, well, unimportant. It shouldn't matter if you're "rational" or not. I've been told many times by professionals that I have good insight but they still keep pushing hospitalization. You deserve to be taken seriously because you are important and your feelings and struggles are valid. And yes, failed attempts are valid and serious too.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i'm sorry you're being treated like that.

your suffering is still suffering, no matter how "whiny" it may seem. everybody deserves help, no matter how miniscule their problems seem to others. failed attempts are still attempts, so yes, they still count. even if someone has been through worse, that doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel pain. everybody has that right.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It's similar to that here. You have to be actively in danger to be hospitalised. And it's the old Catch 22. If you are sane enough to realise you need help, then you are too rational to admit in preference to someone who they deem too irrational to be able to keep safe.
One would hope if you are genuine with them, they would see your need and admit you, if that is what you really want.
I really hope you get what you need dear @CuddleHug

 

[HelloHell]

I'm so sorry you're being treated like you're not important
You shouldn't have to prove your suffering just to get the help that you need. I'm sorry that they make you feel like your problem isn't important enough
and yes, failed attempts are valid

This is quite a late reply. How are you feeling now?

 

[CuddleHug]

One would hope if you are genuine with them, they would see your need and admit you, if that is what you really want.

Well, I tried, but it's also really hard to get your point across when it feels like you're in an interrogation room. Anyway, I met my psychologist again today and she was surprised they didn't admit me. She said she'd make a clear note in my medical record that she deemed me more suicidal than last week, and hopefully that would help if I go back to the ER. Problem is, I'm not sure if I'm up for it. There is still no guarantee and it also depends on available beds and other things I'm just too tired to deal with.

This is quite a late reply. How are you feeling now?

Not too late, thank you for asking. I'm still feeling shit, to be honest, but it does feel better to have talked to my psychologist. Apparently the whole "the doctors can't admit you directly" meant more like "they tried, but there were no beds available". Would have been great to know, because I obviously thought they didn't even try.

There's a bunch of other stuff going on that I'm too tired to talk about, but they did give me an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday. I guess the plan is to make it until then and see what happens. Keeping low expectations on that one.

 

[HelloHell]

Not too late, thank you for asking. I'm still feeling shit, to be honest, but it does feel better to have talked to my psychologist. Apparently the whole "the doctors can't admit you directly" meant more like "they tried, but there were no beds available". Would have been great to know, because I obviously thought they didn't even try.

There's a bunch of other stuff going on that I'm too tired to talk about, but they did give me an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday. I guess the plan is to make it until then and see what happens. Keeping low expectations on that one.

They should've told you that there were no beds instead of just denying to admit you
Friday huh, I hope your appointment will be able to get you the help you need

 

[CuddleHug]

So, I had that doctor's appointment yesterday. It started off promising, because she asked me what I thought would be the best course of action, but then instead of listening, she completely disregarded what I said and moved on with her own agenda. Great, glad to know you value my opinion...

Basically I'll have to try an SSRI again that didn't work two years ago. Apparently because it "might" interact well with the other medicines I take now (that I didn't have back then). I call bullshit on that, but she didn't exactly give me much of a choice. Honestly, I don't care, I'll do whatever they say just to shut them up for a while. If it actually works, then great, I'll take it.

She also tried to make me promise to stop self-sabotaging, which obviously won't happen. It's not like I haven't been trying to stop for months now... Like, I get it, her intentions were good, but trying to force me to promise something like that only shows how little she understands me.

What's worse is that she guilted me into letting her call my dad and tell him I promised to take a 10 minute walk every day and that he should check up on me every day about it. First of all, I did not promise anything, I only said I'd try. Secondly, while my relationship with my dad is good, I will never let him babysit me like that. All it will achieve is that I will lie to him about it, which I fucking hate doing and will only make me feel worse. I think he understands that, though, so maybe it won't be an issue.

To top it all off, she kept saying things like "we are a team" and "we'll get through this together" and I was like WTF is she on about?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

So, I had that doctor's appointment yesterday. It started off promising, because she asked me what I thought would be the best course of action, but then instead of listening, she completely disregarded what I said and moved on with her own agenda. Great, glad to know you value my opinion...

Basically I'll have to try an SSRI again that didn't work two years ago. Apparently because it "might" interact well with the other medicines I take now (that I didn't have back then). I call bullshit on that, but she didn't exactly give me much of a choice. Honestly, I don't care, I'll do whatever they say just to shut them up for a while. If it actually works, then great, I'll take it.

She also tried to make me promise to stop self-sabotaging, which obviously won't happen. It's not like I haven't been trying to stop for months now... Like, I get it, her intentions were good, but trying to force me to promise something like that only shows how little she understands me.

What's worse is that she guilted me into letting her call my dad and tell him I promised to take a 10 minute walk every day and that he should check up on me every day about it. First of all, I did not promise anything, I only said I'd try. Secondly, while my relationship with my dad is good, I will never let him babysit me like that. All it will achieve is that I will lie to him about it, which I fucking hate doing and will only make me feel worse. I think he understands that, though, so maybe it won't be an issue.

To top it all off, she kept saying things like "we are a team" and "we'll get through this together" and I was like WTF is she on about?

Oh dear. It sounds like you are a victim of one of 'them'. These are the doctors the pro-life campaigners would have us turn to; the ones who will make all your worries magically go away by coming up with catchy slogans and following their pre-existing agenda regardless of the context. Which always involves SSRIs rather than actually listening. These fuck-wads can only be dealt with by cunning deception or by you finding someone with more than two brain cells to rub together.
If you are sure of your instincts, then find a new doc or lie to the old one to get what you believe you need.
It shouldn't have to be this way.

 

[sufferingalways]

Oh dear. It sounds like you are a victim of one of 'them'. These are the doctors the pro-life campaigners would have us turn to; the ones who will make all your worries magically go away by coming up with catchy slogans and following their pre-existing agenda regardless of the context. Which always involves SSRIs rather than actually listening. These fuck-wads can only be dealt with by cunning deception or by you finding someone with more than two brain cells to rub together.
If you are sure of your instincts, then find a new doc or lie to the old one to get what you believe you need.
It shouldn't have to be this way.

I hate those bastards.. it's all My Way or the Highway bullshit. Wish there were ways of referring them to a higher authority for investigation.. and magically get rid of .. just like they imagine they can do with our fucking REAL problems. Wankers, arseholes, pricks, ignorant scum.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Wankers, arseholes, pricks, ignorant scum.

Please, don't feel the need to be diplomatic I agree, though. But they are the higher authority, the only way to deal with them is to try and beat them at their own game. You have to be smarter and more manipulative if they are going to be so passively aggressively nasty. Remember, they may be well educated, but they are usually not that clever or perceptive, and nearly always have big egos that are easy to massage.

 

[sufferingalways]

Please, don't feel the need to be diplomatic I agree, though. But they are the higher authority, the only way to deal with them is to try and beat them at their own game. You have to be smarter and more manipulative if they are going to be so passively aggressively nasty. Remember, they may be well educated, but they are usually not that clever or perceptive, and nearly always have big egos that are easy to massage.

Haa.
Certainly not clever or listening in the CCO case who made up her own narrative. Still dealing with that with advocacy help. Stress..

Egos .. hm, okay thanks.

 

[CuddleHug]

These fuck-wads can only be dealt with by cunning deception or by you finding someone with more than two brain cells to rub together.

Or a mix of both? Didn't mention this before, but I happen to know that it was her last day there yesterday. I played along knowing she would not be able to follow up on anything. If all plays out well, my psychologist will be able to convince the head psychiatrist to take over my case and voilà, I get someone with three brain cells!

I'm prepared for the worst, though. I've only had one doctor that was actually good, and him only once because he was only there temporarily. Seems like most of the eggs are rotten.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Or a mix of both? Didn't mention this before, but I happen to know that it was her last day there yesterday. I played along knowing she would not be able to follow up on anything. If all plays out well, my psychologist will be able to convince the head psychiatrist to take over my case and voilà, I get someone with three brain cells!

I'm prepared for the worst, though. I've only had one doctor that was actually good, and him only once because he was only there temporarily. Seems like most of the eggs are rotten.

Hahaha well done. Low cunning will win out every time.
I too have only had one good doctor. He actually had empathy and listened. Unfortunately, those are not prerequisites for doctors. They are qualities I've seen more commonly in various care workers. Training to be a doctor is hard work and rising through the ranks often takes a belligerence and arrogance that is not always suited to dealing with patients. Conversely, having compassion and the ability to listen are often qualities that nurses and care workers need for their jobs and these people less commonly train to become doctors.

 

[sufferingalways]

I like that sly tactic too, well done @CuddleHug

 

[LittleJem]

The psychiatrist I last spoke to was so arrogant. He also disagreed with something I said (that Cannabis requires fat to work). He called it cod-biology. He was wrong. Unbelievably arrogant.

@CuddleHug Im sorry you reached out for help and you didn't get it.

Also, that doctor. Has no idea about mental illness. If a ten minute walk a day would fix it then none of us would be on this forum.