Discussion Forgive and forget vs forgive, but don't forget

[TAW122]

Oftenly in society, I hear people talk about forgiving and forgetting what happened (whether someone wronged you or did you harm or anything). It's almost like a cliche statement that is echoed and bounced off frequently. I find that really incorrect and wrong because while it can be beneficial to forgive and move on (for one's own well being), forgetting that such a transgression ever occurred is foolish. This means that the person is able to hurt you over and over without consequence.

Therefore, I'm going with "forgive, but don't forget." to be an more accurate statement. Sure, we can forgive others who wronged us in order to keep tranquility and peace of mind, but forgetting the fact that wrong ever occurred is just dumb because it shows that whatever wrong the other person/group did was excusable (even if it isn't), not to mention the chance of getting hurt again.

On another note, as far as forgiveness, I don't believe that one should just forgive easily or just because society/peer pressure tells people they should 'forgive'. If one wishes to forgive someone out of their own kind heart and own volition, then that is that person's choice. However, nobody, not even society or any group should guilt/shame people into forgiveness, let alone forgetting (or both).

What are your thoughts on this?

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I hold a lot of resentment ... I don't tend to sort things out in the moment ( I avoid confrontation ) , so I have a lot of
issues with people .

I think forgiveness is liberating as it removes focus and energy from an energy sucking situation.

But ... as a form of self defence , you have to be aware of the processes that hurt / damaged .
Some times they really are glued to actual people .

I haven't sorted this out.
I think it means becoming more powerful inside so BS doesn't bother one.

I have been overtly bullied by people for their spiritual one upmanship and as a form of entertainment.
It always mystifies me .

I realized that my essential character was actually perpetually bullying them a lot of the time , and they were just
retaliating . ( They identified me with their past oppressors .)

The saddest thing is feeling sorry for ones oppressors ( because they are so f'n pathetic ) , but I think they even pick up on that and it makes it worse .

Personally ... this is one of my biggest issues.
I've always avoided the team , the march , the group , congregation .
If it has 'social' in the title I start to feel queezy.

Forgive to liberate yourself.
Adapt some kind of neutral mask that accepts as many social disfunctions as possible to reduce friction and
row ones own boat .

Work in progress ...

(I do think people rely on a few connections they can gaslight and scapegoat while being nice to your face .
I have sent these down the chute to the dumpster in recent years . Metaphorically . cough . )

 

[mattwitt]

I was actually just thinking about this a couple of days ago.

The problem I have with just forgiving and forgetting is how am I suppose to forgive and forget someone and a wrong they have done to me if that person won't even make an attempt to admit they did me wrong, won't apologize or make any kind of restitution to make it up to me ?

What I end up doing is living with the resentment and not going after revenge. And in the end I continue to suffer while the offender thinks nothing of it.

 

[TAW122]

I feel the same way at times as well @mattwitt. I cannot easily just forgive someone who has done me wrong, doesn't acknowledge it let alone apologize or make up for it somehow. Even in situations where I do forgive and move on, I don't forget. I remember that it happened. It's ironic and shitty that people oftenly tell others to forgive and forget and use guilt and shame to achieve that. Most likely those people who preach forgiveness and forgetting what happened, tend to keep tabs and scores. I had more than my fair share of those people and they are of no help, but rather a nuisance. They must want to flaunt their moral superiority over others...

 

[k75]

I've forgiven things I will never forget. It was a difficult thing to do.

If you forget, it lets the other person or whatever off the hook. It says whatever happened is ok. But forgiving just takes the stress off you.

So I say forgive but don't forget. You don't need to suffer the poison of holding the grudge, and they are still accountable.

 

[TAW122]

I agree @k75 and glad we are on the same page here. So in a sense, I don't hold grudges, resentment, anger, or bitterness, but I do remember their transgressions. I keep score/tally of it, thus if there was a second time then it would add to the already existing wrong, in which case, I would then not forgive them and/or just cut ties altogether.

On a macro scale, I do keep a running counter of all transgressions by everyone and the world itself. When it gets too much, then it would be a factor into CTB'ing.

 

[TAW122]

Bumping this thread so others can add their inputs towards it and I still stand by my stance of "forgive (if one wishes to), but don't forget" meaning that forgive the transgression (if one is willing to), but don't forget that the transgression happened.

I still believe that if one "forgives and forgets" then one is bound to get hurt again or become a doormat, because by 'forgetting' one is allowing such a transgression to recur and get hurt again. I just don't agree with forgiving and forgetting regardless of what religious or morally superior people say as it doesn't help the individual but rather put the individual in harms way again.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I want to forgive, but I'm finding it difficult. I certainly can't forget. Now I find it difficult to trust those who have hurt me, but I find I want to be able to because i miss those relationships.

 

[Jean4]

I'm easy. I very rarely forgive because it takes an awful lot to get me to a breaking point where forgiveness is necessary. However, when I do get to that point, I never forgive or forget.

 

[TAW122]

I'm easy. I very rarely forgive because it takes an awful lot to get me to a breaking point where forgiveness is necessary. However, when I do get to that point, I never forgive or forget.

That's an interesting stance and I know some people IRL who have huge levels of tolerance but when it comes to never forgiving, they mean it through and through. Those are the kinds of people that no one should ever take for granted because once they (the assholes) cross the line, it's too late for them. Anyways, I hope most people have better kinder to you than they are to me IRL.

 

[Jean4]

That's an interesting stance and I know some people IRL who have huge levels of tolerance but when it comes to never forgiving, they mean it through and through. Those are the kinds of people that no one should ever take for granted because once they (the assholes) cross the line, it's too late for them. Anyways, I hope most people have better kinder to you than they are to me IRL.

No. Which is why I never forgive and forget... and one of the reasons I am here. ;)

 

[Epsilon0]

I found myself unable to forgive someone who betrayed me in the most unexpected fashion.

I wanted to, my every instinct told me that I should, my friends and family insisted I would. Every experience I had had up to that point, and everything I had ever learned from books told me people deserve second chance... and yet, despite this overwhelming consensus, I could not bring myself to bestow forgivness upon the one who broke my heart.

So, I guess, I am not a forgiver. Damn it!

 

[Jean4]

I found myself unable to forgive someone who betrayed me in the most unexpected fashion.

I wanted to, my every instinct told me that I should, my friends and family insisted I would. Every experience I had had up to that point, and everything I had ever learned from books told me people deserve second chance... and yet, despite this overwhelming consensus, I could not bring myself to bestow forgivness upon the one who broke my heart.

So, I guess, I am not a forgiver. Damn it!

I forgive you for not being a forgiver.

 

[Rollo]

Well it's a very delicate question. Some people can harm you, then repent, realise they were wrong, and apologise to you. So if I somehow believe the repent is sincere, if they're fully willing to repair the harm like say return the money they stolen, then I can accept the apology and we're good. Other than that I don't forgive anything or anyone. Being treated nice by me is a luxury. One needs to be deserving of it. And there are people who don't deserve even a tiny bit. It's just I don't really give a fuck about them, as long as I'm not forced to deal with them. Still an asshole is an asshole, so whether I'm forced to deal with my old enemies or new ones - doesn't really matter. And I don't really give a fuck about them either, as long as they stay in their place. But if they disrespect me, then I disrespect them back and then it can go downhill faster than a drunken brit at the cheese rolling festival. If I feel threatened then I'm ready to go off on anyone to the fullest extent.

It's just generally people tend to feel hurt and resentful at those who harmed them. So some look to liberate themselves from this by forgiving. Besides society promotes forgiving for the same reason it promotes other forms of being nice.

 

[Tats31]

Just don't forgive!! The fact is as soon as you show a weakness like forgiveness then the people you forgive have a green light to stomp all over you again and again and again. Better to cut all ties and fuck them off! I have four sisters who all treated me like shot when we lost our father and all in the pursuit of money. So I washed my hands of them and never ever will know when I've gone

 

[TAW122]

@Rollo that's a good point, I do believe that there are some people who do turn a new leaf and those do deserve forgiveness, so they would be dealt with on a case-by-case basis. However, yes if they turn back to their old ways or so, then there is no third chance, it's pretty much they're done and I'm cutting them out of my life, permanently.

@Tats31 That's true too, there are some people who take advantage of kindness and forgiveness and then use it to their advantage. Definitely fuck those people off and never deal with them ever again. Also, I'm sorry to hear about your four sisters that treated you horribly. It seems like their greed for inheritance has gotten the better of them. I hope you are able to find peace nevertheless.

 

[netrezven]

I don't think that i forgive, i simply stop care. My brain erases everithing that has too much damage. Memories are very blury, i know something happened, but it takes time to look back at the first time, more time to find the correct spot, and emotions are completely blocked from this, like it does not matter as i have changed/adapted to this already.
And sometimes there are some very strong flashbacks, that hell as it is described looks quite attractive to me.