Venting For what sins must I atone to?

[StellaSomnus]

One of the main factors that has lead to the decline of my mental health is the continuous amount of bad luck or circumstances that's straight up unfair and undeserving. It's as if I am destined to be tormented and my fate is to not have a good life (or rather, good circumstances) despite the resources I have and the effort I put into recovery.

I vent this to these mental health practitioners and they can't do anything to help me because they can't control my luck. My parents are willing to splash cash at me to help me with my needs but I fear that allowing that to happen just to keep me alive opens the door for my bad circumstances to seep into my parents.

I put a lot of effort into trying to improve myself. I try to stay positive, treat myself, and yet the times I do, things just go wrong. Finally got the dream car I've been lusting for months? Yeah the car has problems. Trying to get a full UK drivers license to get better jobs? Yeah sucks that they failed due to bad luck. Three times. And many more...

I am a person who stays out of trouble with people and maintain a neutral to good relationship with people I know. And yet, I was sabotaged by my own countrymen, and my reputation tarnished because of someone's jealousy and malice. I feel like getting into fights with other people is just not worth my time, and I stood by that principle.

I am not a malicious person and often I try to make a world a better place. Not to boast or paint a picture that I am a saint, but I do small things that would hopefully contribute to a better cause; such as reducing wastes, don't use my car when I don't need to and help others without expecting a return.

The worst or 'evil' thing I did the past few years is casting out freeloaders in a group assignments during my studies. They join my group, and I expect them to put effort into contributing. But they do nothing because they supposedly 'don't know' how to do it, but despite that I am happy to lend a hand to ensure that our group gets the most scores and my groupmates can learn and gain some skills. And yet, these freeloaders are happily skipping classes and group meetups to go on a vacation and do part time jobs, I had to cast them out as they had repeatedly avoid doing group work just to have a good time. Can you even call that evil or malicious?

To that I ask, for what sins must I atone to?

Maybe I did something in my past life? Or did my 'kind' actions lead to someone's life being ruined that I deserved getting these bad circumstances?

I want to ctb not only to end my misery, but also to spite the natural order. My fate is to be tormented with bad mental health in an anti-suicide country? Fuck off, I will ctb to inflict pain upon others. I suffer so others can have a great time, though I don't want to inflict pain on others, but I have to out of spite to my undeserving fate of darkness.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

This is the natural order. Deservedness is a human concept, not a natural one.


An excerpt on Order and Chaos.

Order, structure, planning, tidiness. These are celebrated and thought of as being worth emulating, embodying or practicing. But order and chaos exist in this false dynamic. This assignment of value is misappropriated. Order and structure are crutches. Chaos is the natural state of the world and the universe. Things learned are forgotten. Knowledge is found and lost. All things are not knowable in one lifetime. Our arrogance is such that knowing all things is our ambition.

Order is an equally vain attempt to manage the unknowable. To tame chaos. Those who thrive in chaos can survive order, but those who thrive in order will suffer in chaos. The ability to navigate chaos is superior to the crutch of structure. To navigate it without being infected by it, to maintain inner peace, to release the need to know or control all things: that is the pinnacle of aspiration. Chaos is worth emulating.

It is in the nature of Chaos to be chaotic. It is in our attempts to change all of Chaos into Order that we become overwhelmed by its resistance and retaliation. Like a headstrong child, it pushes back. What happens when we take it for what it is?

If there was a sin to atone for at all, it would be Pride. The one that came before The Fall. Your false expectations about what life was supposed to be left you vulnerable to the reality of what life is. And that disappointment with reality is what makes you so spiteful. I don't blame you. You were duped. I know the feeling. And there's no better place to vent those feelings than here.

Sorry life sucks.

 

[Yuri Yurovich]

One of the main factors that has lead to the decline of my mental health is the continuous amount of bad luck or circumstances that's straight up unfair and undeserving. It's as if I am destined to be tormented and my fate is to not have a good life (or rather, good circumstances) despite the resources I have and the effort I put into recovery.

I vent this to these mental health practitioners and they can't do anything to help me because they can't control my luck. My parents are willing to splash cash at me to help me with my needs but I fear that allowing that to happen just to keep me alive opens the door for my bad circumstances to seep into my parents.

I put a lot of effort into trying to improve myself. I try to stay positive, treat myself, and yet the times I do, things just go wrong. Finally got the dream car I've been lusting for months? Yeah the car has problems. Trying to get a full UK drivers license to get better jobs? Yeah sucks that they failed due to bad luck. Three times. And many more...

I am a person who stays out of trouble with people and maintain a neutral to good relationship with people I know. And yet, I was sabotaged by my own countrymen, and my reputation tarnished because of someone's jealousy and malice. I feel like getting into fights with other people is just not worth my time, and I stood by that principle.

I am not a malicious person and often I try to make a world a better place. Not to boast or paint a picture that I am a saint, but I do small things that would hopefully contribute to a better cause; such as reducing wastes, don't use my car when I don't need to and help others without expecting a return.

The worst or 'evil' thing I did the past few years is casting out freeloaders in a group assignments during my studies. They join my group, and I expect them to put effort into contributing. But they do nothing because they supposedly 'don't know' how to do it, but despite that I am happy to lend a hand to ensure that our group gets the most scores and my groupmates can learn and gain some skills. And yet, these freeloaders are happily skipping classes and group meetups to go on a vacation and do part time jobs, I had to cast them out as they had repeatedly avoid doing group work just to have a good time. Can you even call that evil or malicious?

To that I ask, for what sins must I atone to?

Maybe I did something in my past life? Or did my 'kind' actions lead to someone's life being ruined that I deserved getting these bad circumstances?

I want to ctb not only to end my misery, but also to spite the natural order. My fate is to be tormented with bad mental health in an anti-suicide country? Fuck off, I will ctb to inflict pain upon others. I suffer so others can have a great time, though I don't want to inflict pain on others, but I have to out of spite to my undeserving fate of darkness.

Hi Stella,

Do you actually believe in God? I ask, because sin is a religious concept. It is not just doing harm to others or wronging them by attacking their rights---offending or hurting god is necessary for sin, so if you don't believe in a god, then you don't (or shouldn't) believe in sin.

But you are worried about booting freeloaders out of your study/project group (sorry, don't really know your situation)? Hell love, that's justice! I mean, you could be nasty and mean about doing that---put them down, tell them they'll never succeed, etc. But so long as you don't do that but just plainly state the matter and ask them to work or leave, you are only doing what is fair. There's no reason you or other hardworking members of your group should sink with these people tied around your necks, nor any reason you should have to contribute to improving their grades. Group work is just that--if they are not working for the group, they've no right to benefit.

I am an old git now, but I have felt like you describe above in the past. It can be mind-bogglingly frustrating to have everything seeming to go against you. And it gives you the creepy feeling that it is personal, like the cosmos wants to shit on you specifically.

In retrospect, I guess I see more how my own attitude has contributed to how bad I felt about the shit that happened to me. I have been self-pitying, which is a pretty unappealing character trait. I still am, though I think I am a bit better now. And when anything went wrong, I would be angry and miserable well out of proportion with what went wrong. With some perspective, I think my attitude was kind of ridiculous---like there was something special about me that I shouldn't have to suffer the ordinary shit that happens. In a way, I think I was pretty narcissistic.

I'm not going to give you the old "you make your own luck" line--that's a pretty stupid claim, considering luck is just the term for shit happening that you don't have any control over. But what would be accurate there is that sometimes we don't act with due diligence--if I spill coffee into my computer because I set the cup on top of the case, well, there's some bad luck there, but I might have thought twice about using sensitive hardware for a drink stand.

I guess all I can tell you is that I have tried to give up any attitude that I should be exempt from shit happening, as well as giving up my tendency to make it worse by making it personal and blowing it out of proportion. Can't say I've been a great success at that, but things seem a bit better. When I felt so wronged that something happened to me, I had to look at myself and assess how I could have done things better or differently. I used to give myself the line that I was the innocent, good injured party, but I realize that there is a kind of superstition in there---as if the cosmos should have a moral structure and treat me better. But now I find that pretty silly and try to accept that shit happens all the time, and I am not any different from anyone else.

I don't know how much this might help you, but at least, I know how you feel, having been there myself. But definitely, don't bother trying to spite the natural order. I'm pretty sure it doesn't give a shit.