For those who are not currently actively suicidal, have you told loved ones about your previous plans or how close you were to ctb?

[thefoodispoison]

I think I'm starting to see a little bit of light in how I'm feeling. Maybe some treatments finally starting to kick in, more closure on painful situations.

I was thinking of whether I would want to tell close friends and my husband about just how close to the edge I have been recently -- researching, joining this forum, practicing methods, ordering SN. Part of me wants them to know so that they can be aware of signs for the future -- I tried so desperately to hide everything because over those months I wanted to ensure nobody would stop me. And I would think that since it's feelings that have passed, I wouldn't be hospitalized. I think it would also feel better to just be more honest with the people I care about.

But I also worry -- about them worrying, or it changing the way they see me, or getting too overprotective in the future.

Wondering what anyone's experiences on here might be with this?

 

[Mixo]

I have opened up to friends about wanting (i.e. needing) to die and the one time I did so and was actually quite serious about it, I lost most of my close friends. Actually, all of them. That was after years and years of stable friendship so it was kind of devastating, but it taught me the importance of not disclosing. That's a personal preference for me, of course. Too often people's brains just get scrambled out of fear and suddenly you go from a friend to a manipulator, problematic, or just an unwanted crisis (their perceived crisis, more like).

I think if you do want to disclose your serious consideration of self-deliverance, it would have to be with someone who truly loves you unconditionally. Someone who would have the rare ability to actually step outside of their own reactions and connect with your root cause / reasons for needing to make such a decision. I have definitely known people who were lucky enough to find that in a friend or a family member, but it is rare and you should be very cautious about establishing or assessing your level of trust with that person before you disclose. That's just my two cents.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Sort of, but no specifics.

 

[Hirokami]

I have told some people, but they either get frustrated with me or don't take me seriously. I did manage to tell one of them that I am currently unable to access my ideal methods, though, mainly due to finances. In other words, unless I attempt it, no one is really that concerned. I just shut up about it these days as I don't want to get on anyone's nerves.

 

[Toonloon]

No. But I really thought about it. I had one person I shared my feelings with and he dropped me out of his life. Called me crazy.

I just don't tell anyone my problems.

 

[DepressoEspresso]

Personally, no. I won't ever go into detail or mention how close I was/am... I don't feel like it is fair of me to drop something like this onto anyone who doesn't have the nessesary training.

I've had friends tell me their plans and how close they are/were and it was stressful. I hated knowing, and that I couldn't do anything to help. (I had my own demons to fight off as well)

Unless it's an actual crisis, I don't see it as being constructive. It comes across as "Hey, I was *this* close to doing something which would have caused you pain. It's fine though I didn't go through with it. You're welcome."

 

[gr1lledcheese]

I think I'm starting to see a little bit of light in how I'm feeling. Maybe some treatments finally starting to kick in, more closure on painful situations.

I was thinking of whether I would want to tell close friends and my husband about just how close to the edge I have been recently -- researching, joining this forum, practicing methods, ordering SN. Part of me wants them to know so that they can be aware of signs for the future -- I tried so desperately to hide everything because over those months I wanted to ensure nobody would stop me. And I would think that since it's feelings that have passed, I wouldn't be hospitalized. I think it would also feel better to just be more honest with the people I care about.

But I also worry -- about them worrying, or it changing the way they see me, or getting too overprotective in the future.

Wondering what anyone's experiences on here might be with this?

I'm not telling them anything. I can't see the point in doing that other than to make them worry, wonder, or try to stop me.
If I talk to them about it I might not do it. I also think it would be perceived as attention seeking, and I don't want them thinking that.
I have family members who think people who try to kill themselves are just being "selfish". I had a couple people tell me that the last time I tried (which was several years ago). My SIL actually scolded me. Ignorant woman.
So I'm not saying a word. I just hope I do it right this time.

 

[whywere]

For me at least. I have myself and that is all. I have a brother and sister that I have not seen in over 30 years, their choice, so except for law enforcement and my mental health providers, no one knows.

Walter

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I think I'm starting to see a little bit of light in how I'm feeling. Maybe some treatments finally starting to kick in, more closure on painful situations.

I was thinking of whether I would want to tell close friends and my husband about just how close to the edge I have been recently -- researching, joining this forum, practicing methods, ordering SN. Part of me wants them to know so that they can be aware of signs for the future -- I tried so desperately to hide everything because over those months I wanted to ensure nobody would stop me. And I would think that since it's feelings that have passed, I wouldn't be hospitalized. I think it would also feel better to just be more honest with the people I care about.

But I also worry -- about them worrying, or it changing the way they see me, or getting too overprotective in the future.

Wondering what anyone's experiences on here might be with this?

After my last attempt, and after my plans were foiled, I copped to my psychiatrist over the phone and made an agreement with him that I'd see him before I did anything else.

He and I had a great relationship and he knew that I would honor the agreement. When I went to his office and he saw what rough shape I was in - and how cold and clinical I was about the whole thing - he actually apologized for making me wait for an appointment. He is a great guy, and if I hadn't moved so far away, I would never have left his care.

I didn't tell my husband until we were on the way to the psychiatrist. I felt like he deserved to know that I wasn't coming home from the visit, and why.

He had absolutely no idea. I had hidden my plans and my means so well that he didn't have a clue.

I did wind up in the hospital for about 5-6 days (I came in at night, so it's hard to count accurately) but I found comfort in being safe from myself. I was also allowed to sign a voluntary admittance, so I still had lots of freedom about my admission and release.

While my hospital experience was not life-changing - or particularly life-affirming, for that matter - I did feel safe from myself and learned one thing from group that helped me, so I count it as a win. It would not have been a good time to CTB, looking back. I'm cool with how it turned out in the end.

 

[Chaestergram]

I implied it hours before trying but never was direct, which clearly I regretted it immediately and instead of doing things at my own pace I just ended up doing it right away since it made me felt even more miserable. Oh and btw it was coming from my partner.

 

[Bleak]

No, I haven't even told my psychiatrist. Just don't see any good that could come of it. Plus I am ashamed that I couldn't do it after I had tried to convince them beforehand that it was for the best.

 

[D&D]

Even if I can tell, there is no one to hear it ...

 

[whywere]

Even if I can tell, there is no one to hear it ...

HI! You are a good friend on SS, and we are a family on here and I care about you, and we are all in this aspect together. I have no family nor friends expect all the great folks here and I can relate so much.

I send you lots of hugs, the knowledge that we are hand in hand and sunny skies with a warm breeze.

Stay well my friend.

Walter

 

[D&D]

HI! You are a good friend on SS, and we are a family on here and I care about you, and we are all in this aspect together. I have no family nor friends expect all the great folks here and I can relate so much.

I send you lots of hugs, the knowledge that we are hand in hand and sunny skies with a warm breeze.

Stay well my friend.

Walter

Thank you so much Walter!

 

[nubbymon]

I think I'm starting to see a little bit of light in how I'm feeling. Maybe some treatments finally starting to kick in, more closure on painful situations.

I was thinking of whether I would want to tell close friends and my husband about just how close to the edge I have been recently -- researching, joining this forum, practicing methods, ordering SN. Part of me wants them to know so that they can be aware of signs for the future -- I tried so desperately to hide everything because over those months I wanted to ensure nobody would stop me. And I would think that since it's feelings that have passed, I wouldn't be hospitalized. I think it would also feel better to just be more honest with the people I care about.

But I also worry -- about them worrying, or it changing the way they see me, or getting too overprotective in the future.

Wondering what anyone's experiences on here might be with this?

I am single with no children, just an older close sister and a niece, also close. They know my depression is inherited and have watched me fight it alone for over 40 (diagnosed) years. I've never hidden my condition from them. I have tried to be a poster child for mental health, always seeking and trying new treatments while being a productive citizen. I'm 70 now, my sister is 77. I now have a progressive, chronic painful disease as well. I've explained to her that I'd rather leave my savings to her family than waste away in a nursing home or mental hospital. It's been gradual, but we've had the discussion - that when I've had enough of fighting my brain, I will leave of my own accord. I've always been independent, and I've been very careful to make sure she knows that my decision has nothing to do with her or with anyone but myself. She and her daughter understand. I want control of my own destiny if I can.

Not every family can have such a discussion. My sister's son would never accept my thinking, as he is extremely religious, but I've always assured my sister and niece of my love, and they see me fighting my DNA every day. (Most recently $2,350 for 6 ketamine treatments, and I just keep trying to find something that will work. Yes, 50+ years of therapy I paid for myself, and most every medication on the market. ECT may be next.)

Only you can assess how your family/friends will react to what you have to share. Everything I say and do, I try to do out of love for them. I don't want to waste my savings being hand-fed. I want my sister's family to have what I've worked for.

It's very hard for people who don't have depression to comprehend the torture that life can become. All I would advise is, try for understanding first. Make sure you give them as much insight as you possibly can. That has to be step #1. My sister, as a natural optimist, has tried very hard and read every publication I've offered, but it's taken years for her to really begin to get it. She supports me 100% and that means everything to me.

If I can help you in any way, feel free to contact me. I'm not leaving anytime soon.

 

[whywere]

I am single with no children, just an older close sister and a niece, also close. They know my depression is inherited and have watched me fight it alone for over 40 (diagnosed) years. I've never hidden my condition from them. I have tried to be a poster child for mental health, always seeking and trying new treatments while being a productive citizen. I'm 70 now, my sister is 77. I now have a progressive, chronic painful disease as well. I've explained to her that I'd rather leave my savings to her family than waste away in a nursing home or mental hospital. It's been gradual, but we've had the discussion - that when I've had enough of fighting my brain, I will leave of my own accord. I've always been independent, and I've been very careful to make sure she knows that my decision has nothing to do with her or with anyone but myself. She and her daughter understand. I want control of my own destiny if I can.

Not every family can have such a discussion. My sister's son would never accept my thinking, as he is extremely religious, but I've always assured my sister and niece of my love, and they see me fighting my DNA every day. (Most recently $2,350 for 6 ketamine treatments, and I just keep trying to find something that will work. Yes, 50+ years of therapy I paid for myself, and most every medication on the market. ECT may be next.)

Only you can assess how your family/friends will react to what you have to share. Everything I say and do, I try to do out of love for them. I don't want to waste my savings being hand-fed. I want my sister's family to have what I've worked for.

It's very hard for people who don't have depression to comprehend the torture that life can become. All I would advise is, try for understanding first. Make sure you give them as much insight as you possibly can. That has to be step #1. My sister, as a natural optimist, has tried very hard and read every publication I've offered, but it's taken years for her to really begin to get it. She supports me 100% and that means everything to me.

If I can help you in any way, feel free to contact me. I'm not leaving anytime soon.

You are truly awesome. I could not have said it better or the understanding any more eloquently than you did.

Have a great New Year's and all my best to you.

Walter

 

[dyingalone123]

I am single with no children, just an older close sister and a niece, also close. They know my depression is inherited and have watched me fight it alone for over 40 (diagnosed) years. I've never hidden my condition from them. I have tried to be a poster child for mental health, always seeking and trying new treatments while being a productive citizen. I'm 70 now, my sister is 77. I now have a progressive, chronic painful disease as well. I've explained to her that I'd rather leave my savings to her family than waste away in a nursing home or mental hospital. It's been gradual, but we've had the discussion - that when I've had enough of fighting my brain, I will leave of my own accord. I've always been independent, and I've been very careful to make sure she knows that my decision has nothing to do with her or with anyone but myself. She and her daughter understand. I want control of my own destiny if I can.

Not every family can have such a discussion. My sister's son would never accept my thinking, as he is extremely religious, but I've always assured my sister and niece of my love, and they see me fighting my DNA every day. (Most recently $2,350 for 6 ketamine treatments, and I just keep trying to find something that will work. Yes, 50+ years of therapy I paid for myself, and most every medication on the market. ECT may be next.)

Only you can assess how your family/friends will react to what you have to share. Everything I say and do, I try to do out of love for them. I don't want to waste my savings being hand-fed. I want my sister's family to have what I've worked for.

It's very hard for people who don't have depression to comprehend the torture that life can become. All I would advise is, try for understanding first. Make sure you give them as much insight as you possibly can. That has to be step #1. My sister, as a natural optimist, has tried very hard and read every publication I've offered, but it's taken years for her to really begin to get it. She supports me 100% and that means everything to me.

If I can help you in any way, feel free to contact me. I'm not leaving anytime soon.

Can I ask if you were born with depression? Was there something that triggered it?

 

[Jude]

I've only told my therapist because mental health in general is not something my family talks about, and I find it hard to discuss difficult subjects like this with others. I also worry that they'll change how they think of me but I think I'll need to be more open about my SI eventually.

 

[The_Dreamer]

No. Never have and I don't plan on it.

To be fair though, if I thought there was even the slimmest of slim chances that there could exist a series of events that would lead me to drastically rethink the inconsequential/futile purpose that is behind Life itself, as well as my own life, maybe I'd consider it. If there was a chance that I could live out a full and good life to the end of my natural days, maybe then I'd consider it. But not before discussing everything over with a professional first. To be honest I would hope to keep it all under wraps if at all possible, but that's just me personally.

My reason to CTB has nothing to do with those closest to me, which is why I feel no urge to mention it to them.

 

[verywellthen]

I have told a few close friends and possibly my mental health ppl over the years, but only bits and pieces and always after the major danger had passed (I've had many spikes in my chronic suicidality).

In the end i always wish i had not told them - i always felt that as the danger had already passed, i did not need their help, but only ended up upsetting them (very understandably). So now i try not to talk about it, and that's it. Even if it sometimes feels hard - it feels so lonely to be left alone with certain pieces of information, at least to me, right now.

But it is a personal preference and i think if some people need to remove certain objects/things from their possession once on the path of recovery, talking to someone might be very helpful, actually.

 

[MammothJack]

Over my lifetime, I have seriously considered suicide maybe three times. During the first bout, I made a multi-step plan that has effectively been a stop-gap requiring me to engage with my rational side during emotional turmoil. It has been an effective "brain hack" for myself.

I once disclosed that to a close friend. She freaked out because "having a plan" is a red-flag among psychologists, apparently. I explained why it has been effective in actually preventing me from doing anything on the few occasions when I felt despair. She still seemed shaken.

Moving forward, I have no intention of telling that to anyone without anonymity. Lesson learned and all that.

 

[Konjac]

I met my SO and also my best friend while inpatient so they've actually seen me at my worst. There's zero judgement and they've been through the exact same thing themselves so they're safe to talk to when I am in a dark place. Usually helps and they wouldn't call anyone unless they knew for certain I'd done something and that I wouldn't be getting help myself which is fair enough. My other friends are sympathetic but have no idea how to help and always end up calling the police or family members the moment suicide is even mentioned so I don't really trust them anymore.

 

[motel rooms]

Yes & now we're married.