Discussion For those who almost ctb but chose not to at the last second.

[ManWithNoName]

For those who almost ctb'd but chose not to at the last second, what were your thoughts the previous few days? As well what were your thoughts in the final hours just as you reached the edge? Specifically what did you notice:

1. Physiological symptoms
2. Emotional

 

[Rachel74]

I couldn't stop crying for days. The slightest sound and movement made me jump like I was extra sensitive. I then was highly dosed up on diazepam so the sleep helped but the nightmares still came. That was a few months ago and I'm doing ok.
Just take each day as it's comes x

 

[MeltingHeart]

More in the last few minutes to seconds - it hurt too much & feeling of profound dread and fear that I could not control / overcome or think my way out of

 

[MaybeSoon]

Psychologically I was a suicidal cliche.. throwing things out, tidying computer etc.. writing notes and making sure everything was in order.. I was convinced it was the end.. I think it was my first ever 'crisis' even though I've thought about and wished for death for a long time. It was scary as hell and felt out of my control.

When it came to exit time I just had the words 'NO' in my head and visualised a positive future and pulled back. Since then I've stayed the same, less panic and 'crisis' but perpetually stuck between wanting to die and staying alive purely because of the chronic guilt I feel for the people I love and know. However, it just feels like a matter of time. Hoping for a recovery, as my depression and anxiety are usually situational even though without them I have a stack full of issues, and, without sounding too self pitying I've lived through some pretty horrific circumstances in my lifetime which no amount of therapy and medication can change. But I can't see a way out this time.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Psychologically I was a suicidal cliche.. throwing things out, tidying computer etc.. writing notes and making sure everything was in order.. I was convinced it was the end.. I think it was my first ever 'crisis' even though I've thought about and wished for death for a long time. It was scary as hell and felt out of my control.

When it came to exit time I just had the words 'NO' in my head and visualised a positive future and pulled back. Since then I've stayed the same, less panic and 'crisis' but perpetually stuck between wanting to die and staying alive purely because of the chronic guilt I feel for the people I love and know. However, it just feels like a matter of time. Hoping for a recovery, as my depression and anxiety are usually situational even though without them I have a stack full of issues, and, without sounding too self pitying I've lived through some pretty horrific circumstances in my lifetime which no amount of therapy and medication can change. But I can't see a way out this time.

I wouldnt worry about being self -pitying on here-its kinda the nature of the territory-if you know what i mean-thou i do feel bad for being in this state which is of course by its very nature 'self obsessing' -which creates a viscious circle whereby i hate myself even more- and the circle perpetuates

 

[ManWithNoName]

I couldn't stop crying for days. The slightest sound and movement made me jump like I was extra sensitive. I then was highly dosed up on diazepam so the sleep helped but the nightmares still came. That was a few months ago and I'm doing ok.
Just take each day as it's comes x

Thanks for sharing - I'm speculating that the body (both physiologically and emotionally) reacts differently as one nears ctb. It is good at least to hear you are ok - and I think the idea of taking it one day at a time is more than just a cliché—it's becoming more important way of dealing with one's condition.

More in the last few minutes to seconds - it hurt too much & feeling of profound dread and fear that I could not control / overcome or think my way out of

Thanks too for sharing.

When it came to exit time I just had the words 'NO' in my head and visualised a positive future and pulled back. Since then I've stayed the same, less panic and 'crisis' but perpetually stuck between wanting to die and staying alive purely because of the chronic guilt I feel for the people I love and know. However, it just feels like a matter of time.

Gotcha - part of it was essentially the guilt. Visualization does play a role - even for folks who simply want to achieve goals.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Profound dread and panic sweating like mad and thinking about my parents.

 

[ManWithNoName]

Profound dread and panic sweating like mad and thinking about my parents.

Was thinking of your parents the thing that Ultimately prevented you from carrying out ctb?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Was thinking of your parents the thing that Ultimately prevented you from carrying out ctb?

Yes. Fear and shame and guilt but ultimately that I couldn't believe that I could do this after everything theyd done for me. It was like being a child again and was a very unreal feeling.

 

[Rachel74]

Was thinking of your parents the thing that Ultimately prevented you from carrying out ctb?

Mine was my 82 year old dad. My moms death devastated him, I couldn't do that to him. Plus he's the only one that's truly been there.

 

[ManWithNoName]

Mine was my 82 year old dad. My moms death devastated him, I couldn't do that to him. Plus he's the only one that's truly been there.

I see your point.

Yes. Fear and shame and guilt but ultimately that I couldn't believe that I could do this after everything theyd done for me. It was like being a child again and was a very unreal feeling.

That is a dilema - both my mother and father had passed away years ago.

 

[junbug]

to tell you the truth i didn't think of anyone and didn't feel anything maybe because i was so focused on the act of pouring the acid or i lost my humanity or maybe i'm done.