Venting For a couple weeks I thought I might be dying and I was happy

[Bread]

Three or four weeks ago I found out that I have some kind of inherited neurodegenerative disease. A lot of the ones I could've had were fairly fast progressing and would either kill me or leave me extremely disabled and eligible for euthanasia over the course of a couple years. I was scared for about half an hour before I realized all the wonderful things that could come from this. If I was dying I could live my last few years with more happiness than I'd probably get to experience over the course of my entire life. My parents would happily give me the money they were going to spend on my college tuition. I wouldn't have to continue my education. I wouldn't have to get a job. I wouldn't have to worry about aging. Best of all, people wouldn't be able to fault me for enjoying myself. When you have a terminal illness they're not going to say you're lazy or slacking off. I would no longer be obligated to live up to other's expectations. I would no longer have to live up to my own. I could just exist, even if only for a very short time, in utter freedom.

During these last couple weeks I have been the happiest I have ever felt since I was probably 12 years old. I already felt free. The sky and the spring grass were beautiful. But as always I'm dumb so I guess I got ahead of myself. Yesterday I was diagnosed with an inherited neurodegenerative disease, but it didn't turn out to be how I wanted. It will be a lot longer before it disables me, and even after I've lost most function in my arms and legs it still won't have a big impact on my lifespan. It would also be years before I might have a chance at being eligible for euthanasia. I'm extremely angry. For once I thought I might be able to be happy, even for a very short time. Now that's all gone. I'm going to die anyway but now I'm back to having to do it myself in secret, and everyone will hate me for it. Since I can't tell my parents that I'm going to die they'll still force me to carry on with my normal boring life right up until I kill myself. Also I have no money of my own and I'm already sick so I can't really do anything fun for myself without their help.

I'm very disappointed. I know I shouldn't have allowed myself to dream in the first place, but for a while I thought I could have a happy death.

 

[brighter]

You must be so sad and disappointed because I can feel it through your words.

Life shouldn't be this hard and I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't, and I wish I could tell you if you were a bit patient you'll eventually get euthanasia, but sadly I know the pain is often too hard to bear for that amount of time for most people.

Considering your finance and freedom, what method do you feel you'll be able to pull off?

Also, just to make sure that you really have exhausted all other options, is there no treatment that can make functioning easier or counselling to help with your mental state?

 

[Help_Me]

I know that feeling... There was a time i was ready to ctb at any time. I was so happy, i just can't describe it with words

 

[dysfunctional]

I get it, I would be happy to contract a fatal disease as well. Especially if it kills quickly. It may be painful but I'd take it over a life of mental torture.

 

[Dead_Inside]

I am currently undergoing diagnostic for a suspected autoimmune disorder... so I can relate. I am trying to not think too much about it- I don't want to jinx myself. But secretly..... I am hoping it is actually an inoperable brain tumor- and I can let everything go. Like you said- I could just be for a second and not have to get looked at funny... and if I did kill myself? Well everyone would still say how much pain I must have endured.
Not like now.... where I am in pain but no one cares because there is no injury to look at.